I usually try to have a purpose or lesson to blogging, and I'm sure some will come out of this, but my main intention is just to desahogarme (I suppose the closest translation of this is to “get it off my chest” or “unburden myself.” It literally means to “undrown myself”) and to try to process what is going on inside.
Corona virus, or COVID-19, seemingly came out of no where. I mean, really January it bubbled up in China, but the average American cared not. Fast forward to Italy, the end of January, but really end of February when it started to hit the fan. Now Italy has more COVID-19 deaths that China (!).
When it became REAL for me was when my student, Danielle, was going to Spain with her family - parents and several little siblings. She is the sweetest kid, super motivated to learn and practice her Spanish. She deserved this trip. But as she was preparing to leave, the writing started to be on the wall. My gentle urges to not go - sharing advice from friends abroad, articles how Spain was a week behind Italy - were met with awareness I was not the first to voice my concern. Anyway, it was her parents' decision and I did not want to alarm her.
She left Wednesday in the heat of it. Wednesday night I read an article how Spain had 22 deaths and around 1000 cases. I planned on printing the article for my IB class the following morning. By the time I printed it in the morning, there were 64 deaths and 2000+ cases. 20 minutes later when I got back to my computer from the copy room, there were 84 deaths and 2700 cases.
That was our last day of school. Things were moving quick here in Omaha with our first cases of community spread (unknown source of COVID-19 infection) and authorities wisely wanted to nip it in the bud. That was 1 week ago yesterday. As of yesterday, Spain had 833 deaths at 18,077 cases. 10x the deaths in one week. Not only is everything closed, but people aren't allowed to leave their homes or hotels unless it's an emergency. I've been worried about my student and her family. I don't know where they are - are they back in the U.S.? Stuck in Spain?
Hannah came home because her classes are all online now. We didn't move her out because she was supposed to work Wednesday and then the weekend. I got sick though and passed it on to her, so she is not going back to work. We have sore throats, headaches, body aches, but are pretty sure it's just flu. I had a small fever once, but not since and she hasn't either. We are going to move her out tomorrow. It will be a while because she hasn't prepared at all. There was no time, as she worked the weekend right after the university closed.
The last I left the house was Monday for my haircut. I haven't gone to the store, but I hear there is no meat. Fortunately, we have plenty of toilet paper. That has been the big running joke. But seriously, there is a run on the toilet paper and it's a hot commodity. That is the first thing anyone associates with this crisis.
My initial thought when classes were suspended for online learning were of relief. I was glad they were making the right decision to protect the community. I also looked forward to a slower pace of life, necessarily since everything was cancelled - SHH service hours, such as teaching at 2 elementary schools, the National Spanish Exam next week (or postponed??), the South O field trip... who knows what else. However, I have had LESS peace than I can remember. True, I'm sick - being physically ill weakens your mental stamina and ability to rein in unhealthy thoughts - but the main reason is I haven't unplugged at all.
I follow the news. More deaths. More measures to stop the disease. More dire projections.
I am on social media. Helpful resources - amazing free deals to review and consider. Discussions of other teachers like me trying to figure out what this all means and how to proceed. Concerns of equity for students without access to technology or even to meals. Concerns of giving enough but not too much work. Concerns of preparing for exams - how to give them. Concerns of whether students will have IB/AP exams or get to graduate in a ceremony. Concerns of how to end the year for SHH.
I am comparing myself. Am I doing enough? Everyone else seems like they have these amazing plans, but I just feel paralyzed and my head is spinning.
I am frustrated at ignorance. I am frustrating at people making light of this, saying it's no big deal. People refusing to comply and just going out. Their assessment of the situation is influenced by their desensitization and irritation of hearing about it all the time, rather than tracking how it progresses. It seems just fine here with few deaths and cases (currently there are only 34 confirmed cases in Nebraska and 0 deaths), so they want business as usual. On a side note, testing is hard to get - it is limited and reserved for those with advanced symptoms and believed contact with individuals confirmed to have COVID-19. There are even small businesses in New York suing saying they have a right to assemble. It is like vaxing - if some refuse to do it, it puts the whole population at risk. This situation is unique in that we are being asked to modify our behavior significantly in order to protect those at risk - elderly, immunocompromised, those with breathing issues such as asthma. We will all probably get it but must "flatten the curve" - ie; not all get it at once so the healthcare system can handle it. On a sidenote, a 34 year old man whose only preexisting condition was asthma just died of it. How many healthy young people have asthma? I'm so sick of hearing "oh, it's just elderly and immunocompromised people, not me." But your actions affect them, and they deserve to live just as much as you do.
I'm checking school email. I even get texts every time I try to stay away that tell me to go read my school email for some new development. I wrap my head around the expectations - how will my plans meet my students' needs? How will I best conduct synchronous learning - live videoconferencing? When will we be back and how do I prepare for that?
I have done a couple fun things with Hannah - we baked a cake. We made cake balls. We've watched some Netflix. I've been reading a couple books. But mostly I'm unsettled.
I haven't let myself really think about my own fun upcoming plans, basically just counting on them being cancelled. The Juanes concert 4/28. The Grand Teton Half Marathon the beginning of June. Comprehensible Iowa conference and meeting AC Quintero and Jen Degenhardt. Jeff and my anniversary trip and my scholarship study in Spain and Italy for 1 month in June-July.
Right now, the president has said no more than 10 people shall gather. Omaha restaurants are take-out only and all non-essentials are closing - dance studios, etc. Grocery store hours are reduced. Yesterday we had the option to come up to school to get things but we had to sign up for a time slot so there were no more than 10 of us at once. I was sick, so thought I better not. My classroom is a hot mess, as even then I didn't imagine what I'm imagining now: I could never see my students face to face again. Currently, it's April 30th at the earliest.
I have been having trouble breathing. I am pretty sure it's anxiety. The future is uncertain and I'm a planner. If I'm honest, I'm feeling depressed and don't want to leave the house anyway.
Yet I am so blessed to be where I am. I have a job I love. Jeff is working from home now. My daughter is home. I was grieving not being able to see her with me being gone so much this summer and it her last summer at home (she plans to move out on her own and get a cat, so no coming home for the summers). So now I have time with her, which is awesome.
Last night I had "girls night out" via FaceTime with my dear friend Heidi. She is teaching her high school students, all while holding down the fort for her own 3 kids. She has to navigate helping them with homework, impressing upon them they must stay home for safety all while not alarming them. She is human too - when does she get to be human? I am so grateful not to be in her shoes, even as I admire and am inspired by her deeply.
Today I started cleaning, doing laundry and shut everything off. No news today - no social media - no work. It can wait. I need the mental break. I really feel much better.
I have so much to be grateful for. I found this list I made in a Ladies' Class at church a while back and it just hit me. I still have every last thing on the list right now.
That is all for now. Perhaps more later, perhaps not. This is more for me anyway. I know everyone has their own story they're living right now and there is nothing special or unique about mine.
Blessings to you.
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