Taking it to the Lord (and leaving it there)

It seems so long ago even though it was only a week ago that I finished Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot. I got it mainly because Jamie was reading it and it sounded so good. Wow. It was with great joy and sadness all at once that I received the wisdom she imparts. If only I had read this when I was younger - how different would my life be? Yet, it is never too late, which inspires me.

Just to focus on one thing that I've learned and am experiencing now is that of taking it to the Lord first. I'm so guilty of saying a quick prayer (if that), then running my dilemmas, frustrations or sorrows with others in my life. For want of an IMMEDIATE response and affirmation, I miss out on the wisdom and perspective that only God can give.

Elliot also points out that "getting feelings out" by airing them out or even writing them down doesn't necessarily help- in fact, often the reverse is true. This goes against my instincts, yet when I read it, I immediately knew she was right. When my hurt feelings or misdirected passions get in the way of doing God's will, dwelling on them does me no good. In fact, it only magnifies them, further removing me from His will for my life. It is turning inward when what I need is to turn to Him.

Furthermore, when instead of being quiet and bringing my grievances with others to the Lord, I share my problem with others, I further complicate issues, often making reconciliation more difficult or impossible.

I did not know it would be so soon that I would be applying this lesson, but here I am. My feelings were hurt, as someone I considered to be a friend appears to value money over our friendship. Perhaps she is just angry at my flakiness (thought I lost a check, but found it) and will forgive, but I'm not sure it can be repaired with what was said. I will keep this entirely between her and me (except Jeff) and bring it to the Lord (I have already, will continue). My instinct is to ask others on our vball team who know her much better for more perspective, but to do that would a) bring them into what is our business, b) be gossip or at least seen as such c) likely ruin any chance of working this out with her directly - especially if she heard I mentioned it second hand, and finally d) put others in God's place, looking to them for affirmation that I am in the right, to heal my hurt feelings.

I feel so immature for not handling things this way in the past, but God is not done with me yet!

Lista para regresar a casa

Bueno, si no fue claro antes, estoy muy lista para ir a casa. Ya llevo basicamente 2 semanas sin estar en casa y extranno a todos. Eso fue exagerado por lo que ayer me paso- me puse bien enferma.

Tenia hemorragia nasal, dolor de cabeza y estaba muy cansada, pero no vi las sennas de la enfermedad de alturas. Pense que mi dolor de cabeza fue del no tomar cafeina (tome mas calificando los examenes de AP) y tome agua sin cesar. Conoci a Chris, que rento un coche, y decidimos hace una caminata - a Hermit Peak! Siendo el segundo dia, ya se que no fue tan buena idea, pero nos divertimos. Me fue mas dificil de lo normal, pero no pense mucho de esto. Luego, el dia siguiente todo se fue para abajo.

Tenia diarrhea y hasta vomite. Estaba super debil y me dolia el estomago todo el dia hasta dormirme y pase todo el dia en la cama. Esta mannana fui al taller, pero obviamente estaba debil todavia pero al menos no me dolia tanto el estomago. Hasta comi unas galletas saladas que mi amiga Susie me trajo. Para la cena, comi un pedacito de pollo al horno con un poquito de pan. Me sentia mucho mejor, pero no cien por ciento. Cuando empezaron a bailar, especialmente todas mis amigas del taller, queria bailar tambien, pero no pude. Mire un poquito y al final, fui a mi cuarto para ducharme- que tortura! Me habria encantado bailar con ellas! Pero despues de ducharme ya me siento muy debil nuevamente y se que tome la decision correcta. En fin, lo pase bien pero estoy bien lista regresar a casa!

Enfermita

Ay, que verguenza. Me senti tan mal despues de almuerzo hoy, cosas del intestino. No me di cuenta de lo rapido que progresaron (o NO progresaron) las cosas tras unos 2-3 dias nomas sin el regimen normal de monton de fibra que ingiero. Bueno, en vez de hacer tal caminata con "la familia" fui a mi cuarto y descanse. Tras unas horas pude expulsar el culpable (bueno, no estaba esforzando por horas- me eche una siesta, ja ja!). Senti mucho mejor y pase por la farmacia a recoger unas pastillitas para ayudar el asunto (simethicone).

Perdi una noche muy linda de cruzar el puente para Kentucky y comer en Brillo. Judith saco unas fotos fabulosas que quisiera que me mandara.

Hay que recordar esto... mas fibra. El cuerpo no adapta asi de facil como en annos anteriores!

Cinci con calma

No se pero este anno soy distinta. Ya no corro por todas partes ansiosamente sacando fotos y buscando experiencias nuevas con todos mis amigos. Tranquila, tranquilita paso el dia y si los veo, los veo. No se por que me preocupaba tanto antes - no vale la pena. Lo he pasado muy bien con mis amigos este anno, pero vivo mas en el momento. Me ha alegrado mucho conocer a una nueva amiga, Judith y de conectar nuevamente con "la familia".

No se si por la menopausa arrepentina o si por la voluntad de Dios - o las dos! - pero tomo las cosas mas con calma. Me cansa demasiado "querer" tantas cosas. Es decir, no hay la intensidad de querer, no el panico de perder algo, el impulso de controlar las cosas que me empuja hasta volverme loca. Si pasa, pasa, y si no, no.

Tambien noto este anno que abandono las cosas sin preocuparme casi nada. Al final del anno escolar perdi un monton de fiestas de graduacion por primera vez y estaba muy lista para terminar el anno. Creo que no es tan solo la falta de energia, sino tambien la falta de paciencia por las cosas que no importan tanto. Con los recursos limitados digamos, reservo lo que hay para lo que mas importa.

Tambien quiza porque ya no hay ningun hueco adentro. Me siento satisfecha espiritualmente. Quiero mucho a mi marido, a mi familia y Dios me cuida. Ya no trato de controlar todo, sino que acepto la voluntad de Dios. No voy a perder mi tiempo ni mi tranquilidad buscando lo que no puede ser.

Gracias a Dios, tengo una paz que el mundo no puede tocar. Todavia hay que encontrar el equilibrio, que trabajo demasiado, y a veces me pregunto si hago bien o si hago lo suficiente. Pero se que con su ayuda, llegare a alcanzar un balance y se me iran las dudas.

Excitement/hesitance

Live in the present.

I don't worry about things as much as some, but sometimes I'm so busy with life's details that when the day is over, I sometimes feel like I forgot to "live" it.

I've been enjoying my time with Hannah, but to some extent have been so busy preparing for my absence that I miss her. Or maybe it's just thinking about how, other than the trip to camp, I won't see her for 3 weeks. I have spent even less time with Jeff.

I look forward to seeing my dear AP friends and enjoying Cincinnati. I also look forward to learning about the new IB exam and spending time in Montezuma- hiking, the hot springs, the castle...

Yet, no matter how enjoyable the future may be, all I have is this moment. If I cannot enjoy this moment, I won't be able to enjoy the future either. Furthermore, I can't be who God has called me to be unless I live in the moment, open to connect unexpectedly with whom God puts in my path.

Good thing I have this all figured out, ha ha! They say knowing is half the battle, but I think it's more like 20%...

Off the wagon, school's out, preparing for distance

As the title indicates, this is an unfocused entry. It's no surprise, my life as of late doesn't fit in a nice little box.

Reading the previous entry reminds me of what I already know: my life has gotten a bit off track. I have done some exercise, but the eating has not been as disciplined. I am not gorging myself, but I am not following my plan anymore either. The euphoria of healthy eating and no facebook has worn off and I seek it again. I know I'm going out of town soon and it will all be off, but maybe that's why I really want to get back on that again.

It's really hard to believe this school year's over. I will miss a few kids, will desperately miss a colleague who's leaving, Heidi, but other than that, I'm soooo glad it's done. By the way, Heidi has been such a breath of fresh air in our department. She's endearing and sweet, and is always buzzing with fresh, new ideas. Her loss will be deeply felt.

Finally, I'm preparing for leaving town for awhile. I'm headed to Cincinnati to grade the AP Spanish exam and see all my friends. That will be so wonderful! Also, the money will help, as our basement refinish budget is out of control. The window needs to be replaced and we need a built-in bench to meet code, not something we planned. Oh- back to travels :) The day Jeff and Hannah pick me up from the airport we literally will not get out of the car, driving her to NYC (camp). She is so excited about it and will be there for 2 weeks- even on her birthday! My flight for Albuquerque leaves 6am the next day and I'll be back Friday, 6/24. Jeff and I will have a week of couple time before Hannah gets back. We even booked the Lied Lodge in Nebraska City for a little getaway in the middle of the week, so that should be nice. There is an indoor pool, perfect for Jeff's allergies and burning tendencies, but also it's such a beautiful treed area.

My head is really spinning from everything. I'm glad to have a little time right now to sit and just relax, doing nothing a day or two. I soon will get to see Louis for the first time since he was just born and hopefully little Hadley, Tara Tapp's sweet newborn girl!

Making a difference

I think everyone makes a difference, some more than others. Some brighten everyone's day, finding hidden beauty in everyone. Others suck the life out of everyone the minute they enter the room. The rest of us are in the middle somewhere.

I feel God working in my life these days. I long to be in His word, to take comfort in Him. I listen to music that sings His praises in the car and during free time at school. I seem to be saying what I'm doing, but I really mean to show what He's doing in me.

When, without any premeditation, I gave up Facebook for Lent and said I'd pray or read my bible instead of hopping on Facebook all the time. I also lightly resolved to try not to swear, knowing I'd slip up on that one. However, maybe a few words slipped at first, but now I don't even have to fight, it doesn't occur to me or tempt me to swear.

Two weeks ago, I decided to go back to the basics, so to speak, "detoxing" and getting rid of my food addictions, as well as caffeine. I've had 2 caffeinated beverages so far, as well as only a few sweets. Before, it was honestly several sweets per day, and never a day went by without one. I also love exercising again- I have more energy.

It's just funny they always say you shouldn't embark on more than one big change or try to break more than one habit at once. Here's the thing: when you let God take more control of your life and let Him meet your needs, you start letting go of the world naturally. Trying to give up vices by sheer will power is either temporary at best or quickly replaced with another, leaving us feeling like a failure and even more empty than before. We have this need deep down that only God can fill. When we try to fill the void with anything else, we feel unfulfilled and out of control.

So, I feel like God just grabbed my attention with the Facebook thing and from there, my life has just gotten richer because of it. So, am I making a difference in this world? I don't have to worry about that. What a relief! I just have to let go and give Him the reins, and He will do it, using me as much as I yield and allow.

Progress report

Well, I'm enjoying every second of spring break, even if part of it has meant spending time at the dealership, getting my brakes fixed at my dad's shop in Springfield, being without a vehicle and missing a few things I wanted to do. Hannah and I planted her mint plant, and seeds for cilantro, basil and oregano.

Afterwards, we walked up to Border's and bought Tangled and some books. I splurged and had a decaf coffee black and it was so yummy. Hannah had a strawberry smoothie. The book Hannah got was a cookbook because she's enchanted with the idea of being able to cook dinner for the family :) She picked out a few recipes and we stopped at Target on the way back to pick up some sunscreen (oops!- forgot that and it was quite sunny!) and a few ingredients for her dinner plans.

In keeping with her mommy, several adjustments were made to the recipes. She chose cheddar cornbread which used creamed corn. The cookbook is supposed to be economical and quick, which unfortunately means it calls for cans/boxes of everything. Quick, good food can be fresh, too! I taught her how to make regular cornbread, which we did instead of adding the mixes it called for. The stew didn't even call for vegetables except for canned tomatoes, which she hates. So, we used tomato sauce instead and she cut up potatoes (I quartered them first), celery and carrots with the mandoline. She also added frozen peas and corn. Dinner was simply delicious! Jeff and I were both so proud of her and I wonder why I never made corn bread that way before!

While dinner was cooking, we went out and jumped rope (she with her ball-and-chain thing around the ankle). I blazed through mine, after which I promptly plopped on the grass. But, I found a few more jumps in me to jump with hers too.

Overall, oddly enough, the eating has been the easiest part. I feel so much better about myself! The hardest part is definitely the not drinking coffee or Diet Coke/pop. I wasn't going to even do decaf, but today at Border's it was so nice, and I figured - it's decaf, right? I think this has shown me I'm more than a little addicted to caffeine, so I'm going to buy decaf for school. I just enjoy my morning coffee too much and it's nice to be able to have a DC in the afternoon/evening too. The headaches are still present, but much less of an issue, so I think I'm in the home stretch!

So excited to get new tires on the Sienna LE finally and especially to see Heidi and Louis! We're stopping by the in-laws then picking up pupusas for lunch. Later, the plan is to walk with mum. Another full day- feels like summer!

Detox

Well, it's barely been two full days, and I feel pretty good. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't tempted- and a lot!- by a cup of coffee or a Diet Coke. Oddly enough, the food part has been easy. I haven't been hungry or craving junk- it actually feels good to eat better. I also like how I feel drinking more water. I have had such a headache, though! I didn't think I was so addicted to caffeine, but this headache has persisted since yesterday evening! Ibuprofen helps, but exercising works better :)

Overall, I'm so glad to be freed from this pull, from my compulsion to munch on junk I find lying around. I'm looking forward to completely "detoxing" and feeling the pull less and less of these idols. God is good!

Turning point

Ok, so this is it. I'm tired of empty resolutions. I repent, I'm turning around. Little background...

On February 1, 2008, I decided to do EnLighten Nebraska, exercising and eating healthy. I lost 40 lbs., got in shape and broke the chains of food addiction, I felt so amazing. It wasn't just the way I looked, although obviously that was a part of it. I kept picking out clothes that were too big, would see myself in the mirror and not recognize myself. I exercised every day and barely ate junk or drank anything but water. I felt so incredibly free of the pull I once felt.

Now the pounds are creeping back, as they have been for some time now, and my exercise habits are barely there. Worst of all, my eating is terrible. I don't gorge myself, but I eat junk and drink lots of coffee and DC. I don't lose control like I used to, eating almost to punish myself. I just don't say "no" enough. It's kind of like how we tell the kids they have to have a plan of how they will respond to temptation (drugs, sex, etc.) or they'll fall. I have no plan, I just give in to every food temptation that comes my way.

I know I'd feel better if I ate better and resisted, yet in it all goes - donuts, chocolate, caffeine, you name it. I will go for a walk, a bike ride, even Zumba, but a few times a week at best. Worst of all, every time I do something rigorous that's just fun, especially Zumba, I have bladder issues. It's the same as it was at first - right after the surgery, even though it's been over a year. Also, I still struggle with not having the energy I used to in the pre-menopause days. On the bright side, I don't have near the hot flashes anymore!

I have waivered back and forth between getting on some sort of "plan" or "routine," thinking that I would start to trust in that and become obsessed with diet, etc. instead of having a lasting balance. I want to focus on worshipping God instead of my body. I know spiritual health is so closely tied to physical health too, yet I can't seem to tame my physically unhealthy habits and treat my body as His temple instead of a dumping grounds. I feel now sure that for me (and maybe everyone), some structure or at least a specific committment is exactly what I need. I need a plan to resist temptation, to help motivate me when I'm feeling too tired to exercise.

God created my body as it is, perfect. I don't hate it. I hate what I do to it and how it looks as a result of my disobedience to Him. I am ready to again find the balance I knew before. I feel spiritually so much closer to Him than I was before, which is maybe why this is so hard to admit and overcome. I must admit the disappointment I have been in this area in order to move forward in the right direction.

I have been reluctant to set up a rules system/schedule, because once I realized my eating is a spiritual problem, I felt like the diets were just another way to get me obsessed with food and to create a new idol. I am growing and reconciling these two seemingly conflicting perspectives - getting help from Him or help from earthly solutions. I want to let Him meet my needs so I don't even feel the pull of food or anything else, and replacing it with a diet or plan is just substituting. However, that's not exactly what I'm doing. I will look to Him to meet my needs, but also have an immediate plan to help me avoid temptation of falling into my old ways. Maybe this is just like how we are to obey even when we don't "feel" it, but often when we obey He provides the will, the feeling afterwards.

Ok, so "the plan"...

1. I will exercise regularly, which for now, will be: jumping rope 200 times 3x/wk, walking 2-3x/wk and Zumba 1-2x/wk
2. I will drink water and nothing but for the next week; after that, I will have 1 cup of coffee OR a DC per day
3. I will follow what I did when I first lost the weight- eat all the foods I should before eating junk- 5 veggies, 2-3 fruits, 2 dairy, protein, fiber-rich carbs

There it is. I'm already wondering if I'm going to be sorry. When I walk with my mom on Monday, I'm going to want a DC afterwards. But, if it were easy, I wouldn't be in the predicament I'm in right now. The pleasure I get from these "creature comforts" is less than my desire to please Him and free myself of the enslavement my body has to these things. Praise Him for giving me this resolve and for helping me to rise above!

Turning into my parents

It seems odd because they're so much older than me (they're my parents!), but I feel so connected to my parents that I feel like I'm going through so many things together with them. For example:

*My mom and I went through/are going through menopause together (mind you, mine was surgically induced)

*Recently my right eye gets very bloodshot when I don't get enough sleep. It never used to do that, and mom's does the same thing (never used to).

*I feel my dad and I are on the same spiritual plane. He recently told me he felt ready to go "home" just like I felt yesterday (still feel). I remember thinking - I might feel like that some day. Well, some day is here sooner than I thought!

Here is the kicker: I got a mailing from...*drum roll, please*... AARP. Seriously. I just turned 39, for heaven's sake!

All in all, I could do a lot worse than turning out to be my parents. However, I just thought it would be several more years!

My home

Well, it's been a little while since I've been on Facebook and I don't feel like I've missed a lot. I do miss connecting so easily with my friends who I don't see every day, those who live out of town especially, and I'll bet my friends with newborns are posting pictures that I'm missing! That aside, this has been a good thing for me.

I feel like the Lord really has my heart these days. I look forward to reading my daily bible devotionals that I get via email, especially Girlfriends in God. I hope this doesn't sound morbid, but I just want to go home. I know I'm young and have so much to live for, but I'm tired. I'm not giving up, I'm not depressed, I just know that heaven is such a better place. Honestly for the first time, I don't feel like I have so much left to do that I don't want to leave. I mean, of course I do, but there will always be more. I just feel like my heart is moving "home" and not in worldly things anymore. Nothing here is really such a big deal that it competes with being in Jesus' presence constantly, in His perfect peace.

Times of uncertainty- where God shines

It has been such a long time since I've blogged! I was never very regular about it, but I'm going to try. It certainly isn't as though I need one more thing, ha ha! I'm hoping this will be the start of a deeper dependence on God.

Finishing this year and looking forward to next school year is very stressful right now. I feel worn out and even heartbroken about the loss of a dear colleague (yet happy for her!) and the mistreatment of another. I have some difficult decisions to make for next year. I am not sure how I will be able to handle teaching 6 classes, especially with 36 IB kids when this year, having 24 is killing me off. I have help with Spanish Club and Sociedad Honoraria Hispanica (SHH) this year, but next year I will not. I currently get to school around 6am every day and almost never leave before 5 or 5:30, not to mention all the time on the weekend I spend working. What will next year be like? I'm starting to think my lack of energy since all this menopause business has less to do with hormones and more to do with my working myself to death. I feel like I owe it to my family to drop Spanish Club and SHH, but no one else will do them and the kids will pay the price. Yet the administration must know that even the most devoted teachers are capable of only so much and something has got to give.

Even as I write this, I feel petty and selfish in the wake of the terrible earthquake and tsunami in Japan, absolutely devastating. They are even expecting another, though the damages and losses are, well, devastating.

The passage that has been my mantra all day Friday and this weekend is Isaiah 40, especially verses 28-31, which I include here:

28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

What an encouragement! He is so awesome, no one compares - yet He cares for us and lifts us up. Thank you, Father!

For lent (even though I'm not Catholic!), I gave up Facebook in an attempt to depend more on Jesus to fulfill me instead of other more superficial things.

To end on a lovely note, I was so encouraged to hear that Danielle has been dating a Christian who has brought her to Christ! I get all choked up just thinking about it. Praise God!