When I was driving to school this morning, I had a moment of clarity. You know, one of those realizations of what makes you tick that you can't believe you didn't already know? I know as a child I always had self-esteem problems, always thought I was fat and really lacked confidence. I thought I had grown beyond that, that I had more self-confidence, but now I'm wondering how much that still affects me.
I am a workaholic, no denying it. I love my job, and enjoy taking pride in my work. However, I'm starting to feel like a slave, like it's partly out of a need to be the most hard-working and best at what I do or else I feel like a failure. The thought horrifies my of anyone thinking I'm lazy, so I almost never let myself rest. This morning I started to wonder what it would be like if I could only stop caring what other people think. Again with the boundaries issues - I don't know why it's so hard for me to just say no and realize it's okay to take care of myself sometimes.
This morning revelation came after the previous day I was talking with a student who wanted me to help him learn to salsa dance. I have had lessons (Spanish Club, Hispanic friends), and I can try to mimic the movements, but I don't have the confidence to pull it off - I just feel ridiculous. That's it, really. I'm ashamed to admit it because it's like I'm spitting on the gifts God has given me, but I just lack self-confidence. I trust people and am pretty open right away, yet on another level, if you make me feel like I'm putting you out or care too much, I'm gone. I find myself going out of my way to push and run the opposite direction. For example, when I was 20 (full-time college student), my mom suggested that the house was getting a little full (Jilli was a baby, Jamie was 7 and Matt was 18). Two weeks later, I had my own apartment!
I thought I was over that, but I'm realizing that those instincts are still buried in there, ready to pop out at any time. I just wonder what is the worst that could happen if I let myself go. I honestly try, but I just can't. I don't know how to overcome my own emotions. Well, I never made the connection about my workaholic tendencies before, so I hope this is a new development, a step in the right direction. I'm definitely a work in progress!
Friday, January 25, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
fortunate yet freaking
Today was such a lovely birthday! My students all insisted on singing "las mañanitas" (Mexican birthday song), my teacher friends had a special lunch for me, and my husband and daughter treated me like a queen. I'm so blessed!
That being said, every time I even think about the exam I have to take for National Board Certification, I get so nervous it makes me ill. Honestly, last spring when I started looking through the sections of the exam, my first impression was "no problem." I wish I felt that way now! I actually hyperventilate when I even think about it. I think deep down, I know I have it in me, but I have such test anxiety that I fear will overcome me and that affects how I do. "We have nothing to fear but fear itself" is not comforting at all to me, it's just the plain truth! I wish I could just be rid of this stupid anxiety. It makes me angry that it grips me so, despite my efforts to trust in God and just let it go.
I'm trying to decide when to schedule the rest of the exam right now and have no idea when would be best - some are doing theirs right after the portfolio is due (end of March) because everything will be fresh in mind, and others are waiting to have more time to study. I have to take section 1 on May 10th, but am just not sure when to do the other 5 sections (have to do them all at once). I have some serious praying to do for 1) God's guidance in making the right decision and 2) for me to be able to overcome my anxiety, giving my worries to God and trusting He will take care of them.
That being said, every time I even think about the exam I have to take for National Board Certification, I get so nervous it makes me ill. Honestly, last spring when I started looking through the sections of the exam, my first impression was "no problem." I wish I felt that way now! I actually hyperventilate when I even think about it. I think deep down, I know I have it in me, but I have such test anxiety that I fear will overcome me and that affects how I do. "We have nothing to fear but fear itself" is not comforting at all to me, it's just the plain truth! I wish I could just be rid of this stupid anxiety. It makes me angry that it grips me so, despite my efforts to trust in God and just let it go.
I'm trying to decide when to schedule the rest of the exam right now and have no idea when would be best - some are doing theirs right after the portfolio is due (end of March) because everything will be fresh in mind, and others are waiting to have more time to study. I have to take section 1 on May 10th, but am just not sure when to do the other 5 sections (have to do them all at once). I have some serious praying to do for 1) God's guidance in making the right decision and 2) for me to be able to overcome my anxiety, giving my worries to God and trusting He will take care of them.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Pain and boundaries
It seemed like through my own personal reading, bible class and personal encounters in the past week, both boundaries and pain for a reason have popped up together. The lesson being that boundary-loving people welcome other people's boundaries - their right to say no and make their own decisions. Also, the idea of pain as pain, obviously, but a GOOD thing at times, meant to refine our character and produce growth. I seemed to be learning it well, and then it happened to me!
I pretty much thought the Mexico trip was off since only 4 were signed up, then my department head bent over backwards and took a loss to make it happen for the same price as originally promised if 10 kids went. I couldn't believe it and was so excited. All 4 kids said they'd go and I started planning for fundraising, getting trip packing lists and suggested reading materials ready. Then, the bomb dropped. 2 kids changed their mind, saying they didn't want to go because it "was too small and it wouldn't be any fun with so few kids." The trip is a homestay, so they'd only be rooming with 1 other kid anyway. Also, if I were their parent, I'd be like "too bad, you're going!" What an amazing learning experience and to not go just because there isn't a certain number of people going is ridiculous. I feel really bad for the 2 kids that REALLY want to go, as that ruins it for them. I had given up, then got hope back and was so looking forward to staying with the same family we stay with (haven't seen for almost 2 years) that has a daughter Hannah's age. I was so excited, then those 2 kids pulled the rug out from under me, for in my opinion, a very stupid reason. Why now? They were game before they knew the price might go up with a smaller group. I think they were planning on backing out, giving the price as an excuse, but when it stayed the same, they didn't have that to fall back on.
Anyway, I have to learn the hard way to accept their boundaries. It is their decision, and I can't force them to change their mind nor punish them for it. ALso, I wonder if through this God isn't setting some boundaries for myself that I am not. With National Board Certification, I am spazzed out working like crazy all year, which won't end until mid May. Then, the day after school gets out, I'm going to Kentucky to grade the AP exam. The Mexico trip would have been a few days after I returned from Kentucky. I'm going to keep praying for guidance, and I'm still angry (can you tell?), but not as much as before. I know this temporary pain is shaping my character, teaching me new things about boundaries that God knows I need.
P.S. I emailed this to myself this morning to post tonight (filters block it at school). Since I wrote this, one of the girls came just to make sure I knew she really wasn't going, as the first notice I got was by email. I surprisingly found myself being naturally pleasant and feeling no hostility whatsoever. Praying is changing my heart!
I pretty much thought the Mexico trip was off since only 4 were signed up, then my department head bent over backwards and took a loss to make it happen for the same price as originally promised if 10 kids went. I couldn't believe it and was so excited. All 4 kids said they'd go and I started planning for fundraising, getting trip packing lists and suggested reading materials ready. Then, the bomb dropped. 2 kids changed their mind, saying they didn't want to go because it "was too small and it wouldn't be any fun with so few kids." The trip is a homestay, so they'd only be rooming with 1 other kid anyway. Also, if I were their parent, I'd be like "too bad, you're going!" What an amazing learning experience and to not go just because there isn't a certain number of people going is ridiculous. I feel really bad for the 2 kids that REALLY want to go, as that ruins it for them. I had given up, then got hope back and was so looking forward to staying with the same family we stay with (haven't seen for almost 2 years) that has a daughter Hannah's age. I was so excited, then those 2 kids pulled the rug out from under me, for in my opinion, a very stupid reason. Why now? They were game before they knew the price might go up with a smaller group. I think they were planning on backing out, giving the price as an excuse, but when it stayed the same, they didn't have that to fall back on.
Anyway, I have to learn the hard way to accept their boundaries. It is their decision, and I can't force them to change their mind nor punish them for it. ALso, I wonder if through this God isn't setting some boundaries for myself that I am not. With National Board Certification, I am spazzed out working like crazy all year, which won't end until mid May. Then, the day after school gets out, I'm going to Kentucky to grade the AP exam. The Mexico trip would have been a few days after I returned from Kentucky. I'm going to keep praying for guidance, and I'm still angry (can you tell?), but not as much as before. I know this temporary pain is shaping my character, teaching me new things about boundaries that God knows I need.
P.S. I emailed this to myself this morning to post tonight (filters block it at school). Since I wrote this, one of the girls came just to make sure I knew she really wasn't going, as the first notice I got was by email. I surprisingly found myself being naturally pleasant and feeling no hostility whatsoever. Praying is changing my heart!
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Prayer
The eating thing is going well. It sure feels better to be eating healthier and not as much. It's so like every other kind of sin - we're enticed into indulging, as the idol promises fulfillment, yet we're left empty and remorseful.
Anyway, I'm mostly feeling fortunate right now to have been a part of a prayer vigil at my church. There is just something special about being a part of a body that is seeking God's guidance first and foremost, laying all of its plans, hurts and cares at His feet, trusting that He is in control and has our best interests at heart. It was also so peaceful to just spend some quiet time in prayer in a different place without distraction. I believe God hears my prayers and that they benefit those I'm praying for and glorify God, however an added benefit is what prayer does to my own heart. When I am focused on prayer, it gives me such perspective. He helps me to know what to pray for and often times make a change in me instead of the person or situation I'm praying about!
I hope you find time in all the craziness of whatever is battling for your time to shut the world out and turn your heart to God in quiet prayer. I will do the same!
Anyway, I'm mostly feeling fortunate right now to have been a part of a prayer vigil at my church. There is just something special about being a part of a body that is seeking God's guidance first and foremost, laying all of its plans, hurts and cares at His feet, trusting that He is in control and has our best interests at heart. It was also so peaceful to just spend some quiet time in prayer in a different place without distraction. I believe God hears my prayers and that they benefit those I'm praying for and glorify God, however an added benefit is what prayer does to my own heart. When I am focused on prayer, it gives me such perspective. He helps me to know what to pray for and often times make a change in me instead of the person or situation I'm praying about!
I hope you find time in all the craziness of whatever is battling for your time to shut the world out and turn your heart to God in quiet prayer. I will do the same!
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