Here I am...

It's half an hour before I head in for the big test. I'm waiting in the student center at UNO, tempted to nap, uselessly trying to study more and get more crammed in my head, and praying. My studying has been interrupted by reading an amazing book I can't put down called The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. The author relates the changes in Holland during WWII and the Holocaust from inside a concentration camp. You would think it would be depressing and horrifying and it is. However, her intense faith and that of her sister especially bring such light into unthinkable misery. They are so brave, always thinking of others first, putting their safety above their own. Her sister's last words were something to the effect of "No hell is so deep that His love is not deeper. Tell them - they will listen to us because we have been there." Maybe it's knowing He is everywhere - in our every situation that gives me comfort. Maybe focusing on a terrifying situation like that and relying on God is getting my mind off my own troubles. Whatever the case, I trust He will give me strength and give me what I need.

Life is good

I have such a peace in my life right now, I just want to savor it. I feel the need to count my blessings right now - I mean there is so much I take for granted every day, like the love of my wonderful husband, daughter, parents, siblings, other family, church family, friends, a warm house, car, clothing, a job I love, great students, nature, not to mention a Savior who loves me so much I can't even comprehend and who is there for me every day when I fail or hurt. However, very recently, the following are great blessings to me I wish to thank God for and record so I don't forget.

1. I submitted my portfolio last Monday, so that's out of my hands. I only have my board exams to worry about, which I'll think about later. A year's worth of going crazy and working unimaginable hours, amazing lessons learned, the friendships forged, finding out who my real friends were, and now such a feeling of accomplishment and relief.

2. My daughter has gained a new joy from reading, which has transferred to me. She has always been a spectacular reader, but now she's discovered that she can travel to other places all by herself while reading. The other night, she and I sat together quietly each reading our own book. She finished a 100+ page book (no pictures) in a day! (she read after school some and at home) This has encouraged me to do the same - I'm usually working on school work or playing a game with her. I'm excited about the prospect of getting into reading again (I've read a novel in the past few days :)

3. During testing and after testing the past 2 days (no regular classes), I managed to plan until the end of the year for all my classes. I still have some worksheets, activities to create, but the plans are laid out. That is such a load off my mind - I always like to know where I'm going, to have a plan. Even though I am quite flexible, I feel like having goals in mind helps both me and my kids to achieve higher.

4. I feel physically better than I have in forever. I'm no longer tempted to overeat or by food my body is not calling for but that my emotions were. I have enjoyed exercising every day for the past 50 days (except once I just forced myself, when I was so tired but knew I wouldn't have time after school!). I have lost ~5 inches in my waist and as many in my hips, and 17 pounds. My clothes are getting very baggy and I'm getting into some I haven't worn for years. All of the exterior benefits are so exciting, but more importantly I no longer feel enslaved to my desires.

5. I have exerted my boundaries in several instances lately and didn't feel the guilt or temptation to change them or blame others for violating them. I'm learning to take responsibility FOR only what is mine and put my foot down when others try to unload on me. I haven't felt like a bad person or needed someone else to assure me I was right. I first read a Boundaries book for kids back when Hannah was born. I thought - wow! This is great for adults! - and got the regular Boundaries. I have read it a few times over the years and each time learn more. I don't know why it never occurred to me I could say no to people and still be loving and a Christian. I felt like sacrificing what I needed was the right thing to do, even though it left me less able to serve and sometimes feeling resentful and lacking in ability to be there for my family and in my spiritual life. I now realize it's not selfish, but what even Jesus needed - quiet time to be with His Father.

I list none of these wonderful things to brag - I feel so truly blessed right now. I serve such an amazing God who is with me through the good and the bad. There are a lot of sad things going on right now too quite close to me, such as those ill, hurting, grieving, struggling in other ways, stubborn and turning their faces from the Lord and those who love them, others overwhelmed by life's woes. But for now I just want to take the time to revel in all God has blessed me with and savor this moment.

Testing

Everything has been going pretty well - today was the 32nd day in a row I've worked out! I am still really watching what I eat too and have lost 10.5 lbs. Since I'm 1 month in, that leaves me 2 months for the other 20!

This is probably going to sound whiny, but I'm really frustrated right now and feel like I'm being tested. I figure when I have as far to go as I do right now, it shouldn't be so hard to lose weight! But, I've totally plateaued already - most of the weight was lost in the first 2 weeks or so. That being said, I have continued to lose inches in my waist and hips (the only 2 areas I measured). My clothes fit better. I just feel like when I am pushing myself as much as I am, it shouldn't be so hard to drop some pounds. This could be a good thing, though. I need to work out and eat what my body calls for (vs. what I emotionally want) NOT just to get results and be rewarded, but because it's what God calls me to do. He knows what's best for me. I'm going to stay away from the scale for a while and keep plugging!

n-lighten nebraska

Okay, so it's official. I've got a goal! Through work, Jeff and I as a team joined "n-lighten nebraska" which is an initiative to adopt a more healthy lifestyle. There are divisions for weight loss and increased activity - and we're doing both! It all just seemed to fall in my lap. I was more stressed out from National Boards and was just eating lots of junk, and someone at work brought it up to the group and I knew I was in.

So far (only 2 days in, I know) I've started exercising and really eating healthy and in moderation. My goal - lofty, I know - is to lose 30 lbs. The contest goes February 1st - May 1st, which isn't much time to lose so much, but I'm determined. This is a record of my commitment, mark my words!

Hard to write

When I was driving to school this morning, I had a moment of clarity. You know, one of those realizations of what makes you tick that you can't believe you didn't already know? I know as a child I always had self-esteem problems, always thought I was fat and really lacked confidence. I thought I had grown beyond that, that I had more self-confidence, but now I'm wondering how much that still affects me.

I am a workaholic, no denying it. I love my job, and enjoy taking pride in my work. However, I'm starting to feel like a slave, like it's partly out of a need to be the most hard-working and best at what I do or else I feel like a failure. The thought horrifies my of anyone thinking I'm lazy, so I almost never let myself rest. This morning I started to wonder what it would be like if I could only stop caring what other people think. Again with the boundaries issues - I don't know why it's so hard for me to just say no and realize it's okay to take care of myself sometimes.

This morning revelation came after the previous day I was talking with a student who wanted me to help him learn to salsa dance. I have had lessons (Spanish Club, Hispanic friends), and I can try to mimic the movements, but I don't have the confidence to pull it off - I just feel ridiculous. That's it, really. I'm ashamed to admit it because it's like I'm spitting on the gifts God has given me, but I just lack self-confidence. I trust people and am pretty open right away, yet on another level, if you make me feel like I'm putting you out or care too much, I'm gone. I find myself going out of my way to push and run the opposite direction. For example, when I was 20 (full-time college student), my mom suggested that the house was getting a little full (Jilli was a baby, Jamie was 7 and Matt was 18). Two weeks later, I had my own apartment!

I thought I was over that, but I'm realizing that those instincts are still buried in there, ready to pop out at any time. I just wonder what is the worst that could happen if I let myself go. I honestly try, but I just can't. I don't know how to overcome my own emotions. Well, I never made the connection about my workaholic tendencies before, so I hope this is a new development, a step in the right direction. I'm definitely a work in progress!

fortunate yet freaking

Today was such a lovely birthday! My students all insisted on singing "las mañanitas" (Mexican birthday song), my teacher friends had a special lunch for me, and my husband and daughter treated me like a queen. I'm so blessed!

That being said, every time I even think about the exam I have to take for National Board Certification, I get so nervous it makes me ill. Honestly, last spring when I started looking through the sections of the exam, my first impression was "no problem." I wish I felt that way now! I actually hyperventilate when I even think about it. I think deep down, I know I have it in me, but I have such test anxiety that I fear will overcome me and that affects how I do. "We have nothing to fear but fear itself" is not comforting at all to me, it's just the plain truth! I wish I could just be rid of this stupid anxiety. It makes me angry that it grips me so, despite my efforts to trust in God and just let it go.

I'm trying to decide when to schedule the rest of the exam right now and have no idea when would be best - some are doing theirs right after the portfolio is due (end of March) because everything will be fresh in mind, and others are waiting to have more time to study. I have to take section 1 on May 10th, but am just not sure when to do the other 5 sections (have to do them all at once). I have some serious praying to do for 1) God's guidance in making the right decision and 2) for me to be able to overcome my anxiety, giving my worries to God and trusting He will take care of them.

Pain and boundaries

It seemed like through my own personal reading, bible class and personal encounters in the past week, both boundaries and pain for a reason have popped up together. The lesson being that boundary-loving people welcome other people's boundaries - their right to say no and make their own decisions. Also, the idea of pain as pain, obviously, but a GOOD thing at times, meant to refine our character and produce growth. I seemed to be learning it well, and then it happened to me!

I pretty much thought the Mexico trip was off since only 4 were signed up, then my department head bent over backwards and took a loss to make it happen for the same price as originally promised if 10 kids went. I couldn't believe it and was so excited. All 4 kids said they'd go and I started planning for fundraising, getting trip packing lists and suggested reading materials ready. Then, the bomb dropped. 2 kids changed their mind, saying they didn't want to go because it "was too small and it wouldn't be any fun with so few kids." The trip is a homestay, so they'd only be rooming with 1 other kid anyway. Also, if I were their parent, I'd be like "too bad, you're going!" What an amazing learning experience and to not go just because there isn't a certain number of people going is ridiculous. I feel really bad for the 2 kids that REALLY want to go, as that ruins it for them. I had given up, then got hope back and was so looking forward to staying with the same family we stay with (haven't seen for almost 2 years) that has a daughter Hannah's age. I was so excited, then those 2 kids pulled the rug out from under me, for in my opinion, a very stupid reason. Why now? They were game before they knew the price might go up with a smaller group. I think they were planning on backing out, giving the price as an excuse, but when it stayed the same, they didn't have that to fall back on.

Anyway, I have to learn the hard way to accept their boundaries. It is their decision, and I can't force them to change their mind nor punish them for it. ALso, I wonder if through this God isn't setting some boundaries for myself that I am not. With National Board Certification, I am spazzed out working like crazy all year, which won't end until mid May. Then, the day after school gets out, I'm going to Kentucky to grade the AP exam. The Mexico trip would have been a few days after I returned from Kentucky. I'm going to keep praying for guidance, and I'm still angry (can you tell?), but not as much as before. I know this temporary pain is shaping my character, teaching me new things about boundaries that God knows I need.

P.S. I emailed this to myself this morning to post tonight (filters block it at school). Since I wrote this, one of the girls came just to make sure I knew she really wasn't going, as the first notice I got was by email. I surprisingly found myself being naturally pleasant and feeling no hostility whatsoever. Praying is changing my heart!

Prayer

The eating thing is going well. It sure feels better to be eating healthier and not as much. It's so like every other kind of sin - we're enticed into indulging, as the idol promises fulfillment, yet we're left empty and remorseful.

Anyway, I'm mostly feeling fortunate right now to have been a part of a prayer vigil at my church. There is just something special about being a part of a body that is seeking God's guidance first and foremost, laying all of its plans, hurts and cares at His feet, trusting that He is in control and has our best interests at heart. It was also so peaceful to just spend some quiet time in prayer in a different place without distraction. I believe God hears my prayers and that they benefit those I'm praying for and glorify God, however an added benefit is what prayer does to my own heart. When I am focused on prayer, it gives me such perspective. He helps me to know what to pray for and often times make a change in me instead of the person or situation I'm praying about!

I hope you find time in all the craziness of whatever is battling for your time to shut the world out and turn your heart to God in quiet prayer. I will do the same!