Different kind of quiet time

I had a LONG DAY. You know the kind I mean? The kind where you get home super late and are still working in your head long after it's over? The kind where you call your husband and say let's meet for dinner somewhere because it's too late to make dinner?

So, shocker, it took me a while to wind down and I didn't get as much sleep as I wanted to. I've come to realize my weight issues are very hormonal. My stress levels and lack of sleep are sabotaging all of the efforts I'm making to eat right. So, I make a real effort to sleep 7 hours each night, or at least 6. This night I was only going to get 5.

So I decided to get up a little late and extend my sleep for an hour. It would mean my half hour of quiet time in the morning was gone, but I reasoned I needed the sleep.

When I woke up, I began getting ready and listened to bible app (end of 2 Corinthians and beginning of Galatians) while I did. I even had time to sit and pray for a few minutes.

My 30 minutes of quiet time in the morning are very importante to me. They make a huge difference in my day. However, today I feel like I made the right call. I feel more rested than had I pushed myself to cut out that extra hour of sleep.

I don’t like to cut corners and am covetous of this time but part of my problem is I am all or nothing, I compartmentalize and focus only on physical health or only on spiritual health. But that's not how it works. Today I made the choice to do the best I could, all things considered, and not give up altogether, despite not reaching the goals I set. I decided to seek God and some spiritual peace in the time I had, knowing my physical limitations. As I heard in Galatians today, if I could fulfill the law myself, then Christ died for nothing (Galatians 2:22)

The story behind the story

Let me tell you the story of how Luisauny puede came about. I'm not really even sure if I'm writing for you or for me, but here it is.

This isn't the story of how Luisauny and I met and she became part of our family. That is another story altogether. In fact, you can read some of it in the book (if you can read Spanish!).

I was already sort of working on another book set in Mexico but had tabled it with a crazy semester at school, Mt. Rushmore half marathon, my grandma passing, you get the idea. Anyway, about a week before Luisauny came to spend a week with us for Thanksgiving, a thought popped into my head. Why don't I write a book set in Dominican culture? Then, I thought oh my goodness - Luisauny! I can just tell her story!

Immediately when the idea came to me I had a slight panic. What if she says no? As the week went on and Lui's arrival got closer, I only felt stronger and stronger about telling her story. I knew it was intensely personal and wanted to make sure she was 100% comfortable about it or I wasn't going through with it. But I kept feeling such a push. This was bigger than both of us and meant to be!

When I talked to her about it, I was nervous. I didn't want to pressure her into it. Her reaction was excitement and she felt honored. Whew!

So how do you make someone's life, with all the complexities and moments, into a comprehensible reader? How do you make it a coherent story, having it all make sense and have a purpose? I thought about what Luisauny's personal goals are: to help people with their mental health and to bring God glory. Those were the two lenses I used when writing the book. 

Thanksgiving week, Lui put up with a constant stream of questions about her childhood, and filling in other gaps I didn't know about her life. I began to write. I showed her the first two chapters as I wrote them and she approved. As I got into some harder things to write, I didn't want to show her anymore. I had to include the pain. I wanted to be authentic and I couldn't gloss that over, but I just couldn't let her read it until I got back to the good parts. So she didn't see another word until I finished the manuscript.

The book focuses on her battle with mental health growing up, from age 5 until the present. I struggled with whether or not to include myself and my family in it at all because it's not about me, but about her. However, ultimately we made it in because it made it a nice transition to living in the U.S.

As in Caras vemos with Mexican culture and Cuernavaca, I tried to write it in such a way that you feel like you are being immersed in Dominican culture, that you can imagine what it is like there, what the people are like. I gathered as many relevant photos and video clips to make it even more real.

When I finally finished, I sent it to Luisauny at the worst of times - she was leaving in 2 hours for the Dominican Republic for Christmas break and had no time to even sleep. She would have a sketchy connection while traveling around and in Bobita, so I had no idea when she would finally read it.

I practically wept with joy when I got the text from her (I've translated it to English here. She is perfectly fluent in English, but we always communicate in Spanish :)

"It MADE ME CRY. Honestly it was difficult to read many parts. But it just put everything into perspective. I was nervous about the book because it meant reliving so much, but it's done. I made it. Thank you for telling my story. It is an honor. Truly."



It was exactly what I hoped for- not that she suffered, but that she felt that she was reading her story. I knew I wanted to use book sales to donate to a mental health charity in the Dominican Republic, but I literally couldn't find any. Lui didn't know of any either.

Wow.

So, I wondered - could we donate to the Children's Home right there in Bobita in a special fund designated for the mental health care of the children? I 100% trust Porfi and Carla who run it, as well as Paul and Barb here in the states who still have a hand in it.

You will never believe it, but they JUST started having a psychologist come to work with the children there once a week!! She has classes, like safe touching, etc. as well as meeting with them individually. Paul said the kids are really opening up to her too.

Psychologist working with children at the Children's Home in Bobita, DR

Sitting back, I am just so amazed to be a part of God's plan. (That is to say nothing of the amazing way He brought Luisauny and me together as family in the first place!) In a matter of less than 2 months He stuck an idea in my head, opened Lui's heart to it, led me through writing a book, brought a psychologist to the Children's Home, and I believe He will use the book to help support that. I've never prayed for success before of anything I've created, but I'm praying for this book. I'm praying that it helps fund the work in the DR and that God gets all the glory!

Identity

I've been struggling with doubting myself professionally lately. I don't want to get into details, but philosophically I differ with a very respected colleague and it's causing continuity issues with our students.

I just watched a great video by Justin Slocum Bailey: "You are not those things." It was so simple yet so profound. You are not what people say about you, what people do to you, your job performance, your relationships, you are not those things.

You are not those things

He ends with I cannot tell you what you ARE, but you are not those things. 

As I opened my bible for my morning quiet time with the words of that video from the night before still ringing in my head, I was in 2 Corinthians 5, which as God would have it, tells me what I AM.

I am a new creation (5:17)

I am sought after by God (5:18)

I am His ambassador (5:20)

I am the righteousness of God (5:21)

I am God's coworker (6:1)

I am the temple of the Living God (6:16)

These are not things I earned, given conditionally if I'm "good enough" or do enough. Paul makes that clear in 5:18:

All of this is a gift from our Creator God, who has pursued us and brought us into a restored and healthy relationship with Him through the Anointed.

All of those things that I AM are not erasable based on someone else's opinion or my own failings. They are my true identity.  As though Paul is responding to Justin's video, he also talks of public opinion and the world's view of us as so flippant, praising, criticizing, loathing, respecting, yet we have the power of God and His voice of truth in our ear (6:7-8).  Because we know what and who we are, whether we are dying, poor, sorrowful, mistreated, we live joyfully, bringing riches to others and have more than we need (6:10).

This was too beautiful of a lesson not to share - Justin's video, then the scripture to round it out. But it turns out God's lesson for me wasn't finished yet.

Despite all of this encouragement and peace that I received, in the car on the way to school, thoughts started to swirl in my mind. Worries. Doubts. Fears. Negative self talk. Wanting to nip it in the bud, I plugged my phone into the speaker and clicked on YouTube. I couldn't really see (I just got new contacts, which turns out were completely wrong!), so I just clicked on a random video. The following beautiful song, by a group I had never heard before began to play and fill my soul. It is called "My Worth is not in What I own."

My Worth is Not in What I Own

What a beautiful reminder of my true worth- not in my skill, name, wealth, fame, beauty, wisdom, but in Jesus. I knew then that God was not done reaching out to me yet, He was rounding out the perfect lesson He had just for me.

Sometimes I think my problems are insignificant, no big deal. But identity is CORE. So God didn't mess around on this one. He appealed to my mind with Justin's message, then my spirit with the verses in 2 Corinthians, then my heart with the song. He unmistakably and specifically provided everything I needed to know, be and feel, based on truth. And that is the way He works - incredibly specifically and individually, loving His children uniquely.

Though it is so clear now, I am fairly sure I will need this lesson again. And again. And again. But that is okay because He knows it and is gentle and loving to give it each time I need it.

Available

I have missed the past couple days of my morning quiet time. I have been oversleeping, having a tough time getting up. I haven't been going to be later, I just can't get enough rest! True, I get more sleep, but I lack the peace I have when I have quiet time in the morning to read, pray and reflect.

Today was super hard getting out of bed and as I was about to, 20 minutes late, I got message of an elearning day (aka snow day!). I proceeded with my quiet time and read the daily bible verse:

Just ask and it will be given to you; seek after it and you will find. Continue to knock and the door will be opened for you. All who ask receive. Those who seek, find what they seek. And he who knocks, will have the door opened.
Matthew 7:7-8

You want a rest day? You got it! Thank you, Jesus!

Yet already my mind fills with all the obligations I have and what should be doing. Yet I know that God gave this day to me. Not that it's a gift with strings attached, but He knows what is best for me. He knows I need rest. My mind will function better, my soul will be more at peace and I’ll be more equipped to handle life if I do.

As I use the time to take a breath, I find myself reflecting. A great deal of my time (I hate this about myself!), I’m self centered. Oh sure, I try really hard to do acts of kindness, create programs and projects to benefit others. I love to give gifts and make things for others, but I’m so over committed and planned that I’m not AVAILABLE.
I’m not available for what God wants, or what others want, to listen to or notice others, to pause. In fact, I feel burdened and annoyed when others ask me to do what I had not already planned to do. "Isn't what I'm doing enough?" I think. "What more do you want from me?"

How can someone be so giving and selfish at the same time?

If I’m honest, I don’t like being available. I hate not having something to do. I'm one of those creative types. Tack on the classic type A overachiever mentality and it's a recipe for burnout. I like to control what I’m doing, to have a plan. When I have been on mission trips to the DR, they were such times of growth for me because I was 1. completely out of control of my schedule and my environment, and 2. I wasn’t necessarily using my personal talents, ie; doing what I felt comfortable doing.

I was just there. I was available. And that was enough.

Now to figure out how to translate this to my daily life. How do I learn to sit still and be available?

The God code

Frustrated with my body over the past number of years, I train and try about every diet you can imagine- low carb, WW, Noom, whole 30, calorie counting, high fiber, etc. with at best temporary and minimal results. The types of food I eat and amount of exercise seem to make no difference. I know it’s at least partially menopause related, I’ve come to realize it’s so much more.

Reading The Obesity Code and becoming aware of 2 biblical principles I have neglected to observe that can really help me achieve better health:

1. Fasting

2. Resting (both sleeping and reducing stress)

Both require discipline and surrendering control.

I find the science behind fasting and rest amazing: insulin’s effects that can only be broken by fasting, cortisol that increases exponentially when I continue to get far less sleep than I should, despite healthy diet and exercise. Exercise has a different role than I thought- not so much directly on the weight loss front, but stress relief. I need to look at it differently. My body will find a way to replace the calories I burn, but sitting on my butt when I’m in exhausted at the end of the day will not relieve my stress nor help me sleep better like exercise will.

My friend Scott Kirchmann just died. He was so strong, such a faithful Christian, always living fully. He was physically strong and trained. Even as his body broke down, he continued to speak words of strength over himself. He constantly offered to pray for others, all while he battled metastatic lung cancer for two years. He was 48.  

I will be 48 in a few days. How much time do I have left? Will I be strong? Will I train myself physically and be #mulestrong as he always said? Will I discipline myself mentally, and more importantly spiritually, to be strong? I spend too much effort trying to do things that seem worthwhile, making an impact on others, while I neglect to obey what God asks me to do for myself. This isn’t some false humility. I’m not talking about being selfless; there is plenty of self involved here, that’s the problem. I serve others in the way I believe I should. I refuse to or don’t get enough sleep because I’m not resting in and trusting God that I can be enough in the physical limits of this body, one that needs sleep. I do not treat it as a temple. I would rather make things and be creative and neglect the rest and physical exercise that I “don’t have time for.” 

I think I’m ready. I’m listening, God. You were right all along. 

Living, part 3

I wrote the last 2 blog posts and this one all at once, scheduling them to post one a day because it was going to be too long. I could never have written any of them until what happens next.

I have struggled doing reflection of this year. I couldn’t do Christmas cards. No year end posts. I couldn’t do it. I just didn’t want to think about it. I've had a great year in many ways. There are things to be celebrated. But I just couldn't reflect or reach out to anyone.

Now it’s 2020 and all I want to do is think about it. All I want to do is live in the year my grandma was alive again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went to make dinner last night and turned on the TV as always. I always watch Little House on the Prairie while I make dinner. It was my favorite show growing up. My grandma used to watch it every day, and it was a connection I had with her. I would think about her watching it at the same time and it seemed like we were together. After she died, it brought me comfort to watch it and think of her in heaven maybe watching it too.

Tonight Roseanne was on instead. Is this replacing Little House? I experienced a full on panic attack. Seriously. My stomach felt sick, my head clouded and I couldn’t breathe. I started crying, sobbing actually. I haven’t done that, even when she died. I’ve been sad. Somber sad. Retreating, muted me, but never sobbing and just feeling so much. They say grief surprises you, and they are right. Out of nowhere.

I think it just hit me: this year is a year without my grandma. I feel like the disciples must have felt. She was my guide, my role model, the one who always knew what to do and did it, who loved me and always saw the best in me, my sweet grandma. I feel lost without her here.

I prayed. I grabbed my bible and read Psalm 23. That comforted me some. The thought popped into my head: maybe she had a bible she wrote in. I texted my mom, who she said she didn't really write in it, but here is the page she last marked:

I love what she wrote on the front page: We'll never be happy unless we're holy. 

By the way, later I saw Little House is still on, it was just a New Year's Day thing. But someday the programming will change, and I need to be okay with that. I need a new connection to keep her ever present to me. Maybe that is reading my bible more and serving others more, just like she did. Maybe me living my life more like she did is how I can best maintain my connection with her and honor her memory.

With little Hannah :)

Grandma and Luisauny loved each other so much!

This year promises to be one filled with adventure. This summer we are doing the Grand Teton Half Marathon. I get to meet 2 of my favorite authors of Spanish novellas, who have supported me with my writing, and I'm over the moon about that. I will be in Europe, to which I have never traveled, for over a month. I will likely be teaching Spanish 1 in the fall, something I have never done and classroom management is my weak spot.

As I begin my day with quiet time, of reading my bible, of prayer and reflection, I will go not where I'm comfortable or where I want to go. I will rest in my Lord, just as my grandma did. I will remember what He did for me, just as my grandma did. One day, I long to hear "Well done, good and faithful servant," just as I know my grandma did.

Gram is with Gramps and Timothy now

Living, part 2

Just 1 week after Grandma's funeral, I had a huge event: Nebraska's state language conference (NILA) which was 3 hours away. I had to prepare a vendor table: both for Sociedad Honoraria Hispanica (SHH) to inform and recruit new sponsors, as well as to sell my book, Caras vemos. I was also presenting a session.

I missed 2 days of school the previous week, which made this week tougher. After school I had multiple SHH events, including teaching at 2 elementary schools, in addition to the preparations for NILA.

I had no time to mourn.

At the conference, technology was a disaster, but my session was good otherwise. I enjoyed the sessions I attended, but was quite busy at my table, selling books and chatting with people interested in SHH, as well as meeting sponsors I only knew online. I kept busy!

At the urging of friends, I went ahead and left my table to do the "bingo card," where you go to other vendor tables and have them sign your sheet so you are entered in a drawing. You win things like books, candy, mugs and such.

At the end of the day as they were calling the names of the winners they drew, they called my name. I didn't hear what it was for, but went up happily to accept. You can imagine my complete and utter shock when they told me it was for a 2 week study in Salamanca, Spain!!! I have never heard of anyone winning anything like that at all the conferences I've attended.

Here is my response via Facebook on October 13th:
"Yesterday I was shocked to win a scholarship to study for 2 weeks in Salamanca, Spain at NILA, thanks to the Spanish Embassy.

As it is starting to sink in, I’m realizing it wasn’t so random and I know it will be an experience I’ll never forget. My grandma had such an adventurous spirit, I know she would approve of me using the money she left me to pay for the flight and would be so excited for me. My mom Mary said “Theresa, Gram had a hand in this!” and I know in my heart she’s right.

Extra blessing: my husband Jeff and I will celebrate 25 years of marriage next summer and so we’re planning on him flying out at the end of my program and then having an amazing adventure in Europe, just he and I.

Thank you, Jesus (also the name of the man pictured who presented me the scholarship!) and thank you, Grandma! I will try to live out the rest of my days in wonder, excitement and to never be complacent, clinging only to the Lord for security and comfort.

Jesus, a kind man who works at the Spanish Embassy and presented me with this award

My young grandma whose adventurous heart never said no, but who always, always unselfishly was there for her family.

My grandpa was older than grandma by 12 years and he also was quite a homebody. After he passed, she well into her 70s went camping and hiking with us, never afraid to try new things! 

Black Hills, South Dakota in a chair lift up Terry Peak with my mom

Hiking like a pro - never too late to start!

Look at her go up the snowfield! Nothing stopping this lady!

Since she died, I have been anything but adventurous. I have retreated completely. I quit feeling things so much because I haven't had time. I don't have the emotional energy to really be present. I have shut the world out to try to find some quiet, but I have also pushed her to the back burner without realizing it. I haven't let myself think about it.

Jesus has called me to more, and my grandma would have wanted that too. More tomorrow.

Living, part 1

Part 1 of 3 

Dying is nothing to be afraid of. Come hear the story of how Grandma Lois gracefully showed us how to live, even as she died.

Saturday morning, September 28th, I can't remember if I called her or she called me, but mom said Gram wasn't doing well and they were going up there (to the nursing home she lived in the last few weeks of her life).
She was sure she was going to die. Mom and Jo Ann were there, but not Gene.

Grandma was distressed because Gene working at an event (sells silver polish at fairs) and she couldn't reach him (he doesn't have a cell phone). Thanks to the internet, I was able to talk to someone running the event who got a message to him. Unfortunately he couldn't just leave, as all the cars blocked him in.

I threw together some sandwiches and a cooler of drinks, as no one thinks of these things when you're in a rush. That was my role when my father-in-law died 3 years ago, but that is a story for another day. We made the 1 1/2 hour drive and prepared ourselves to see Grandma, as mom distressedly described her, not doing well.

As I sat with her, we talked of old times and she even laughed. Mom said she just came back to life. And that is how she was that weekend, as everyone she loved came to see her. The cousins came: Daniel and kids, Michael, Malissa and Emily, her sweet friend Mary Tremel who took care of her, Jilli, Jamie and their husbands and kids. 

She was so worried Gene wouldn't get there before she died, but he made it. She seemed to relax even more after that. Then she heard Tom was driving up from Texas, along with his wife Cheryl and daughter Elaina. She said:
Well, I guess I'll have to wait for Tom.
Then Tom got there Sunday morning and she heard Matt was coming later.
Well, I guess I'll have to wait for Matt.
Matt and Carson came and chatted with her. Then she heard David was coming.
Well, I guess I'll have to wait for David.
David came and went to dinner with us. Grandma went to the dining room, but didn't eat anything. She fell asleep. So, we went back to her room. She was ready.

That weekend, she got to see her inner circle, the ones left on this planet she wanted to see. She told each of us what we meant to her - that we were wonderful kids, grandkids, and that she loved us. At one point, she lifted her arms and just said it is all about Jesus, that she wanted each of us to know Him and accept His love. Her impromptu sermon was exactly what you would expect someone who lived the life she lived to say. She walked with Him, loved Him, served Him.

Anyone who spent any time with her knew a couple of things. She could barely see and even with her hearing aid in her good ear (she was deaf in the other), you had to shout and if there was a crowd of people or background noise, forget it. However, on and off, she got her senses back those last couple days. She clearly saw things across the room. A couple times my mom swore she heard perfectly without her hearing aid. My brother Matt spoke in a very low voice to my Grandma in the middle of a crowded room of people and she understood him completely.

Monday was quieter. Mom, Jo Ann, Gene were with her during the day and I arrived as quickly as I could after school. She was less lucid than normal, I believe one foot was in this world, one in the next. She talked a lot about pies. She loved to bake pies, and a lot of her life was spent doing just that. She would go on and on about pies, then snap out of it when a nurse came to check on her or if you asked her a question.

Mom and Jo Ann went home, as it had been a long day. Gene was around, visiting with some other residents he knew. I sat quietly with her, talking a little bit, but mostly just quiet. She seemed very peaceful. It was past dark. She turned to me:
"You go home. I believe I can rest now."
During the night, she died in her sleep, just as she hoped she would.

On Tuesday, October 1st during my plan period right after I found out Grandma died, I posted on Facebook:
"I’ve felt God’s presence strong and real my whole life, sometimes stronger than others because my faith is weak, and I just want someone physically there with me. I’ve often wondered what it must have been like for the disciples to actually be in the presence of Jesus. A human with frailties and limitations yet with unlimited ability to love. People flocked to Him not just because of what He did for them but because He was different. He embodied generosity, kindness, genuineness, humility and truth. 

Well, truthfully I feel just as lucky getting to spend the first 47 years of my life with a lady who is heaven’s true ambassador to this world. Everyone she met mattered to her and they knew it. At age 100, she remembered names, birthdays, people. I used to think it was because she had an uncanny ability, but truth is, she just chose to spend all her mental energy on others. She knew that focusing on and remembering people was more important than anything else. 

Now the world seems a darker place because there is no one like her, no one to take her place. I praise Jesus she went as she wished. She said goodbye to us all, she told us she loved us and blessed us. Last night when I was sitting with her she told me “you can go now. I believe I’m ready to rest now.” She’s finally with Gramps and Timothy now. She’s with Jesus. I’m so happy for her.

I truly meant every word and was (am) so happy for her to no longer suffer the hip pain she had, to no longer have trouble hearing or seeing, to no longer be separated from my grandpa who died 25 years before, just pure joy for her.

But living on this planet is just hard without her. 

We will never forget you, Grandma Lois Koesters

This is what your room looks like when you’re dying when you spent your whole life loving people

#homenow #iwannalivelikethat

Some more pix from that weekend:

The bedspread she made me when I was a kid