What makes the perfect husband?

The title is a bit misleading. I have no intention of defining what makes the perfect husband. In fact I'm pretty sure the "perfect husband" doesn't exist. Every woman's needs are unique and there is no one man who could meet every woman's needs. I can only say that mine is perfect for me.

I am just amazed every day that he continues to love me and how deeply he does. No woman deserves to feel this loved and treasured, yet I am.

PATIENCE
When we first met, I would not have thought of him as patient, but that defines him now. Early on we had our share of spats, like any couple, and I ended up in tears. Communication, saying what you mean and having that understood for how it was meant- every young couple's struggle! He began a new mantra "assume noble motives." When I said something that may have seemed accusatory or rubbed him the wrong way, he repeated his mantra. Him giving me the benefit of the doubt has ironed out nearly every misunderstanding and brought peace in our relationship. Not to mention the fact that Hannah benefits from seeing her parents handle conflict healthily and her father is more patient with her too!

MATURITY AND GROWTH
There is great debate as to whether people can actually change. I can testify that yes, people can and do. Jeff is a prime example! At some point he got frustrated with his own shortcomings and instead of finding someone to blame for them (family, society, etc.), he decided to take responsibility for them. What he was doing was not leading him to be the person he wanted to be, so he changed his behavior. He limited his exposure to negative influences that caused him to go down the same old paths, encouraged self pity or doubted his ability to change.

Independent of me, his path led him to Jesus. Jeff, who was burned out on religion, who was skeptical of any authority - corporate, governmental, religious, and didn't feel the presence of God at all. Did He exist? Jeff at least didn't declare with certainty that He didn't, but doubted it. However, he knew He was real to me and respected that. I learned early on I was not responsible for his salvation, that was his personal choice. I never pushed him or preached, just loved him. On and off he would show interest. One day, as he had been walking closer with Him, he heard a word "baptism." That led him down the path he is currently on, following Jesus. Hannah was only a toddler, but she remembers her daddy getting baptized. I pray one day soon she will make the same decision. She wants to be just like her daddy in everything, which is a good thing!

I am never more reminded of how far he has come than when interacting with his family. His dad seems to go out of his way to get a rise out of him, but he never bites. If his dad says something outlandish, selfish or crass, he concedes graciously, taking the wind out of his sails. Jeff doesn't react the same way anymore, he is a different person. I am far less patient with him than Jeff is! He is a new creation and has a whole new family dynamic. I'm so proud of Jeff!

GENEROSITY AND THOUGHTFULNESS
I giggle when I remember how much of a spendthrift Jeff used to be and how he is now! Back in our college days, he would give me constant grief about buying a cold Diet Coke in the student center because it was so much cheaper to buy in bulk at the grocery store. Our friends were unanimous in that it was my money and he was being ridiculous. Fast forward to now where if I even mention I'm thirsty he offers to drive to the Kum & Go and buy me cold DCs. He's ridiculous in the other direction. I always have to tell him not to buy me things, but he loves to pamper me.

The reason he was so cautious and hated to spend money was about one thing: security. Now that his faith rests not in this world, he is generous with his resources. He has trusted God with his resources and seen that He is faithful. He is generous and purposeful about giving at church and a number of other organizations. We still are very thrifty, but not out of fear. He has discovered that the proverb is true: He who refreshes others himself will be refreshed.

Jeff has not been to the Dominican Republic nor does he know any of the people there, yet he has supported me 100%. When I wanted to sponsor a child I had met there, he was on board. We have been cutting back even more in order to afford to do so, and I was dismayed that he had gotten me a Christmas gift, despite the fact we agreed not to. When I opened it up, it was a piece of paper. He had made a significant donation to the child we sponsor in the DR. I was so touched - the perfect gift! He loves to spoil me, but the reason his gifts are so perfect is that they are done out of a deep desire to please the recipient not the giver. He is one of the most selfless people I know - and he makes me feel like the most loved wife alive!

***
These are but a few of the qualities that make Jeff the perfect husband for me. I've been meaning to blog about him and how blessed I am for a while now, but time has gotten away from me. Now, the last day of 2013, it seems appropriate to spend it honoring my husband and the man he has become. I can't wait to see what 2014 holds for us!

Spanish teacher explodes and toxic waste comes out. Details at 10.

(...or 2 days later. This is from Thursday.)

Today just wore me out. I was just not expecting it to be so demanding, but worst of all was my last class. My IB high-stakes oral assessments were a disaster. Every group's discussion wasn't much of a discussion and all but one group was blatantly cheating. (Here it comes... this is going to get ugly, it's coming up...) Spanish fluency-wise, they are overall the weakest group of IB kids I've ever had and they don't care. I'm angry at them! I watch them joke around as they revel in mediocrity - actually that would be a step up from where they're at! (Don't say I didn't warn you!)

On a daily basis I have to hound them to speak Spanish in class - this is basically honors Spanish 5. I have fewer problems with my 3rd year kids being able to express themselves in Spanish and certainly with being on task. Their Spanish is so bad their discussions are shallow and inadequate, they revert to English, laugh, get off topic constantly, and do nothing at home to try to improve, nor come in for help or take advantage of Spanish Club activities such as Spanish lunch or trips to South Omaha. When I speak Spanish, and especially when we listen to videos/songs that are faster, they are lost. Even when I summarize, rephrase in Spanish and add visuals, they still don't get it. Ok, there are just a few for whom this level of incompetence is an accurate description, but the whole class is at varying levels of not measuring up to IB standards, even though I know they are bright in other IB subjects. They have the ability to dedicate themselves, but they just aren't. My frustration is NOT at their shortcomings, it is their lack of urgency, effort and their attitude that somehow by copying off of one another, whispering answers, it will be fine. It is not fine. This will be the first year in the 10 years of IB graduating classes that someone doesn't get their diploma because of Spanish. My nightmare, my shame.

Tonight I was inexplicably drawn to the book of Philippians. Chapter 4 spoke - no, screamed - at me.

GENTLENESS: Philippians 4:4-5

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

Gentleness. I'm ashamed when I realize that I'm called to be known for my gentleness, when I'm so disgusted at my students, so disappointed in them, my only instinct is to tear into them. And rejoice? Really, always? Yep.

As I step away, I must ask myself why I'm really upset they're failing. They are failing. In general, particularly with my IB kids, I feel a huge sense of responsibility for them. I even had many of these kids 2 years ago, so my connection is stronger. We always say that failure is not an option, but it is. Just like God gave us, students have a free will - even my precious IB kids - and if they ignore everything I say and put in zero effort, yes, they too have a right to fail. Instead of stewing and exploding at them, I can continue to inform, instruct, encourage and motivate as best I can, yet let the natural consequences happen if they disregard my instruction. And my gentleness will be evident to all. And I can rejoice in the Lord instead of grumbling about others' poor decisions.

BE SATISFIED: Philippians 4:11-13

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

I can be content in all circumstances. Somehow when I've read that before, I missed that. The famous verse about being able to do all things through Christ who gives me strength, so frequently quoted. Not what it says. I can't force students who are lazy to care. I can't force kids who want to take the easy way out to be more honorable, hard working and ethical. I can't do anything FOR them, they have to do it themselves.The verse says I can do all this through Christ who gives me strength. What is all this? It is being content in all circumstances, times of need and want, freedom and captivity, worldly success and failure.

How then am I to deal with my frustrations? My anger? My disappointment? I don't! I give it to Him!

GIVE THANKS: Philippians 4:6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

He is faithful to keep His promises. I must take it to Him in prayer, then there is no longer anything to be anxious about! He's got this!

So what about me though? I'm called to let Him empty me of my burdens and sorrows, but now what goes in their place? What fills me back up?

THINK ABOUT SUCH THINGS: Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

That is the key to the rejoicing we were just called to do. It is a joy that comes only from Jesus, that only He can give, but we are still called to focus our minds on excellent and praiseworthy things. We don't just sit back and expect God to take total control of our minds and fix everything for us. We must allow Him in. He won't bully His way into our minds, our hearts or our lives. He gave us this command for our own good as well. He knows what will fill us with joy (not fleeting happiness), what will shape our character.

Also, don't miss in the same verse about taking our anxieties to Him in prayer (verse 6), it says to give thanks. Focusing my mind on what I have to be thankful for fills me up! Thinking about all that is lovely, noble, pure, isn't living in La La Land, its an intentional focus on what helps me be more like Jesus.

TRUE LOVE: John 13

In the past few weeks, I've been marveling over Jesus' response to His disciples' shortcomings in John 13. They were concerned about their own glory, their place of honor in the kingdom. If I'm Jesus, I'm thinking, "You have got to be kidding me! What have I done this whole time I've been with you? Serve! Who have I spent my time with? With the religious leaders, rich, or those concerned about their own glory? No! Have you learned nothing? I mean, you've been here with me every day, where did I go wrong? You, my disciples, my closest friends! If anyone should understand, it should be you! And I've clearly told you I'm about to die, to go through something really difficult, and this is the petty crap you are bickering about?!" But then, I've got a ways to go to be Jesus. What did He do? Let it go and say to Himself, "ah they just don't get it," being patient with them? No, He responded in love. Deep, unmistakable love. What but love not only ignores an offense but blesses? He humbled Himself once again not to teach them a lesson and shame them, but to cleanse their hearts and show them pure love, what He was all about.

So my only response can only be one of love. Not controlling, punishing, trying to make them (fill in the blank). I will give them one more chance and graciously explain, not criticize, making the expectations clear. And if they fail again, if they don't follow my direction and disregard everything I say, then I will be grieved for them, I will say extra prayers for them, but I will let them. I will be gentle, and I will rejoice in the Lord. At least that is my prayer! I'm still a work in progress ;)



Praying specifically

I've been so busy I can't believe it's been a month since I've blogged last! It actually seems longer ago than that! I'm "breaking the silence" briefly to emphasize something important I learned today.

Keep a prayer journal. Even when you're busy. Especially when you're busy!

A week ago, I felt so unbelievably overwhelmed by just everything - family and friends having surgery, stressed out, going through troubled times, multitudes of commitments, no time for anything, you get the idea. I decided instead of just praying for it all to write it down as a prayer list. I was shocked at the length of the list, but I did it and then prayed slowly down the list.

And you know what? I felt such PEACE when I was done. I gave it to the Lord and left it there with Him to worry about for me. It was as simple as that!

When we pray, it's easy to get overwhelmed with the enormity of the task at hand. This world is broken, lost, hurting - where do we start? It is tempting to just say generic prayers for everything - "we pray for all those hurting, sick, lost, Lord, you know who they are". Yes, He does. But WE need to pray specifically for one another.

WHY? It connects us with one another. How can we be His hands and feet if we are up against a nameless, faceless problem to pray for? I am more compassionate and less judgmental when I am praying for you by name. Perhaps more importantly, which is where the prayer journal comes in, we see how He answers our prayers when we pray specifically.

I had honestly forgotten that on my prayer list a week ago I had prayed for Hannah to be more responsible, until I re-read it this morning. There was no particular reason I had prayed that prayer now, I just felt that was a good step as she is growing older and becoming more independent, and that's something she's always struggled with. My jaw hit the floor as I saw that on my list today. Let me tell you why.

Out of the blue yesterday in the car, Hannah said, "Mom? I'm making an All Hallow's Eve resolution."
Me- "What??"
Hannah- "Well, I didn't want to wait until New Year's Eve and Halloween doesn't have the same ring to it"
Me- "Ok, what is it"
Hannah- "Mom, I want to be more responsible."
Me- "What brought this on?"
Hannah- "Nothing, I just want to be more responsible."

I'll tell you what brought it on- my prayer! I would never have remembered that if I hadn't written it down. Yes, God is at work whether I'm writing it down (or praying, quite frankly) or not. However, by praying, I'm part of it! I have a front row seat!

I would encourage you to try it. It's amazing how much we realize He actually does if we open our eyes, which for this forgetful mind means writing it down!

"Back on the wagon" update

So, 2 weeks ago I took the plunge and got back on Weight Watchers and almost immediately I felt relief. No more guilt or wondering whether I was eating too much, too little (ha!), out of control... I had structure and was freed.

This time, since it hasn't been that long that I was on Weight Watchers, I actually have been less obsessive about perfection. I have been eye-balling it for measurements, sharing things I had measured/counted out if someone else wanted some, you know, like a NORMAL PERSON instead of how I usually am in such situations.

Instead of making me more obsessed and focused on food, WW has helped free me from it and I've been focusing on living life- being with my family, running, church, school. And I feel so much better already, even though it's only been 2 weeks.

Oh, and I've already lost 6 lbs. I know that is a bit ridiculous, especially since that's only 8 lbs. from the absolute thinnest I ever got running 20-30 miles a week and living on watermelon lol. But, I'll take the gift and not focus on the scale. In fact, unlike the last time, I've ONLY weighed myself on my weigh-in dates (once a week). It is one small tool to keep me in check and make sure I'm not deluding myself if my other habits slack.

Thanks for all your encouragement!

Back on the wagon!

Well, it's been since really May of 2012 that I've been on Weight Watchers, but I just joined again. It was time. I have gained 13 lbs. from my smallest, which I don't think sounds terrible, but I've just been on a downhill slide since the beginning of the year. And I'm sick of it.

With my dad's heart surgery in January, my grandma's tumor and last year's school year, plus the preparations for the DR, I began to gain weight. I kept thinking once summer hit it would be like the year before where I just lost weight without trying. Didn't happen. In fact, I kept gaining.

My pants are all too tight. In fact, tonight I tried on one pair of jeans that I had from before I lost all the weight that were really too loose on me. Everyone I was close to said get rid of them, they were just way too loose and even unflattering, but I loved how they felt and kept them for lounging around. Well, they fit perfectly now, ugh. But it's not all about the clothes. I'm tired of always feeling bloated- I miss not feeling self-conscious about my love handles and tummy, not to mention thighs.

But these are all just outward signs of my lack of self-control. But really, my idol worship- food. I have never been able to just "watch it" to get back on track when it comes to eating/weight. I have to get extreme and do a sort of de-tox, to break the pull - stronghold is a better word.

I have felt closer to God than ever in my life, more in tune with His will, serving Him more than ever before. However, I am NOT immune to sin's pull, and it has snuck in stealthily to distract me and steal my joy. So even though it is money I keep telling myself is not wasted, I joined WW again. I will be accountable! I will discipline my eating, turning to God and God alone for my comfort, not food. Say a little prayer for me if you would!

How to make yourself miserable

Some of the following sound simply ridiculous, but I'm pretty sure I've done every single one of them at one point or another...

How to make yourself miserable:

1. Make a list of your problems. Be sure to do so first thing in the morning so you can get started focusing on them right away.

2. Be sure to worry about something every day. Even if nothing is quite pressing right now, you wouldn't want to get out of practice.

3. Feel sorry for yourself. It's you against the world, and if you don't, who will?

4. Find a way to serve both God and money. Serving God is the "Sunday school answer," but we all know money makes the world go round.


5. Compare yourself to others. How else will you measure your own success? Keep your eyes open and don't become complacent or satisfied with what you have or who you are. Someone out there has more and is better, never forget that.

6. Avoid absolutes, morality is all relative. The only real truth is inside of you, and what's right for you is all that matters.

7. Stand up for yourself, first and foremost.  Never mind other people- they'll take care of themselves.

8. Don't be such a bleeding heart. People just walk all over you anyway. If you waste too much time getting involved in other people's troubles, you many neglect your own.

9. Be sure to keep up on the news, TV and social media. You need to stay in touch and be current. If you have time afterwards, then read your bible. You can always do that later because it stays the same and you aren't missing anything.


Paraphrased from "Several Ways to Make Yourself Miserable" from Keep a Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliott

Tiny update

It had been a while since my student "Patrick" had been by. He has 7th period free and for a while would come chat with me before class about minutiae then hang out in the back of the room on the bean bags doing homework (I have a small class 7th hour).

I have been praying for him and was wondering about him, as I hadn't seen him. Well, actually, the other day, I saw him with a big group of boys down the hall. He didn't see me, but I figured hollering at him and waving would be ill-advised (I'll save that for my daughter when she gets to high school).

Then, he came by today between classes, stuck his head in, smiled and waved, then left. It was just sweet.

Then he came by 7th hour and chatted a bit before. I noted I hadn't seen him for a while and he said, yeah, he's been busy. He did homework a brief while and then left.

One of the things that he was really upset about when we talked before was not only all he's going through, but that he had no one to talk to.  He said he didn't have any real friends and everyone was too busy for him.

Well, it seems he has gotten busy himself, likely having made a few new friends, and he seems happier. He's such a great kid, and it's good to see him building new relationships, reaching out.

I'll continue to pray for him and that maybe one of those friends will break through his walls and earn his trust. Maybe one will tell him he doesn't have to always be "ok". Maybe one will help him feel he is truly worth loving. And maybe even one will lead him to Jesus.

Lessons learned...again, and again, and again, and again...

I've learned that when a message pops up in casual conversation, then in a daily bible verse, then in another reading or conversation, maybe God's trying to tell me something?

When this happens, it tells me one of two things: 1) either I'm not listening or 2) if I thought I was listening, it's so important that I need to hear it loud and clear!

The message God sent me this time was not a new lesson. In fact, few of the things He's ever taught me are actually new to me at all. However, these lessons are not meant to be understood, but LIVED. And here's the lesson He reminded me of yet again: once you learn to trust me and depend on Me, you aren't done. You have to do it again tomorrow. And the next day. And every day after that until I call you home.

I just get so frustrated with myself, thinking what an idiot I am. I mean come on, I KNOW how amazing my life is, how full, at peace when I'm depending on God and living fully in His will. Yet, I lack passion in my daily quiet time. I continue to seek comfort in food, tv and work instead of the only source of true comfort and fulfillment. I'm not saying any of these things is bad, it's how I look to them, to fill that empty space inside me only God can fill.

Quoting from today's Jesus Calling by Sarah Young (paraphrases/mixes verses as though Jesus were talking directly to you):

Living in dependence on Me is a glorious adventure... life is meant to be living and working in collaboration with Me...You accept weakness as a gift from Me, knowing that My Power plugs in most readily to consecrated weakness. You keep your plans tentative, knowing that My plans are far superior. You consciously live, move, and have your being in Me, desiring that I live in you. I in you, and you in Me. This is the intimate adventure I offer you.

I have learned these lessons again and again, yet I still try to live under my own strength. I know that life is so beautiful when I surrender and rely on Him. It is not a for once and all, it is a constant focus on Him in the face of the distractions of the world and my own will.

If any of you want to walk My path, you're going to have to deny yourself. You'll have to take up your cross every day and follow Me.
Luke 9:23, The Voice Bible

Just when I think "Okay, I've finally got this!" is when Satan, the world, my own flesh come in and pull me away. I must cling to Him daily, letting Him fill me up.

Let's do this, God! I can make no promises for tomorrow, but today I'm going to follow You.

Little friends give a little perspective

I found this post I meant to make back in July but never finished... I just now updated it a bit and voila!

Olivia is my new little bestie as of the beginning of July at a family reunion. All because I just took a minute to chat with her. I really don't know what she saw in me, but she wouldn't leave my side! I chatted with her, shot a few hoops and just loved on her. By the way, she is my cousin Brenda's 10 (almost 11?) year old daughter.

We decided to skype to keep in touch, and I hope we really do. Busy summer with her on vacation, then us.

We got to hang out a bit more at my cousin Abbie's bridal shower 2 weeks ago and wedding last night. My blue shoes matched her dress perfectly! She is such a goofy, precious little thing. I wish we lived closer. She lives in Winterset, about 2 1/2 or 3 hours from us.

I really love Jamie's beau, Derek's boys, Ryan and Collin. They are rambunctious yet sweet. They were crawling under the table and running around with all the other kids and as Ryan was passing behind my chair, I teased, "Do you know what happens to little boys who sneak behind my chair? They get TICKLED!" and I tickled him until he giggled senselessly. Shortly after, I was talking and did not notice that he was behind my chair again. He interrupted, "I'm sneaking!" Of course, I obliged! Since I hate being tickled so much, I would periodically stop and ask if he wanted me to stop, and he always replied "no!" Finally, since I kept asking and perhaps he was growing impatient or just wanted it clear, he shouted "never!" It was nothing profound or deep, but just some special moments with the little guy.

I wonder how many other little precious friends I would have if I only took a minute to notice. Just to encourage them, show them a little love. I was so amazed in the Dominican Republic how the kids just seemed to warm up to us so quickly, but I don't really know that they are as unique as I first thought. All kids just want to be loved. Just a little attention, to make them feel special.

Back at the family reunion in July just before we left, Hannah, Olivia and I were chatting. One of the girls mentioned how one guy had read the bible several times over and someone else asked him why. He responded that it was different every time, that there was always something new- a new perspective due to him being at a different point in his life or simply the Spirit helping him to understand something new. The girls spoke so knowingly about how God's word is "living" and it's always new, that it pierces your heart. It just warmed my heart so to hear them talk like that - such spiritual wisdom out of the mouths of babes! Truly, that is what Jesus meant when He said that unless we accept the kingdom of heaven like a little child we will never enter it.

I guess I needed a few little friends to get a little perspective :)

The "F" word

A few days ago I mentioned that the Spirit was speaking through me when I was talking with my student "Patrick."

He was telling me about his relationship (or lack of one) with his mother. His last birthday, he went to McDonald's with his sister and watched a dumb movie while his mom went over to her bf's house because he was going out of town the next day. It was hard enough for Patrick to ask her to be there for him, but imagine how it felt when she turned him down, only so she could be with the man she was having an affair with. Ignoring her son on his birthday so she could be unfaithful to his father. That hurts, putting it mildly. The worst part about it is it's not even an isolated incident. Mom doesn't show affection, doesn't praise him for anything, only criticizes. He returns the favor by being negative, ignoring her on her birthday and pretending not to care.

I asked him if he tried telling her how he felt, but that didn't end well. I noted that regardless of whether she reciprocates or not, he should to at least try to reach out to her, because he obviously does care, whether he wants to or not.

And then out of my mouth came the "F" word. Forgiveness.

It was the farthest thing from my mind, feeling so angry and frustrated at his sad excuse for a mother, seeing this great kid torn apart, feeling unloved, like no one could ever love him because of her. Forgive her? Seriously? Where did that come from?

And I went on... telling him that he needed to forgive her, regardless of whether it resulted in an improvement in their relationship or made a difference to her. He needed to forgive her for himself because otherwise the pain and burden will always be on him. It is only by letting go and forgiving that he will be freed and be able to move on, grow, love.

He seemed skeptical yet intrigued. He may not be ready to forgive her, but I believe the idea is bouncing around in his head. I know he does not believe in God, but the concept of forgiveness, regardless of one's faith, is so powerful. Someone may have deeply hurt us, but unless we forgive them, they retain power over us. There is no way to focus on revenge or "justice" without harboring bitterness in our heart. Life is unfair, people will hurt us and others, but unless we forgive, they keep doing it, over and over, even after their actions have ceased and, chances are, they have long forgotten about it.

Why do we continue to find forgiveness so hard to do? Even as Christians, we often hold grudges and refuse to forgive. Why? We mistakenly believe that somehow we're saying what they did is ok if we forgive, or that we have forgotten and are "over" what they did to us, or that we are necessarily admitting fault. We also see forgiveness as something for the weak. None of these misconceptions could be farther from the truth.

When we forgive someone, we are saying, "I'm letting this go. I'm not going to carry this burden around with me anymore. This is yours to deal with now. What you did is on you, it no longer concerns me, I'm LETTING GO."

As Christians, we cannot just play the martyr and say, "I'm supposed to just forgive those who hurt me?" as though we were innocent. We have a sin problem. Each and every one of us. If that weren't the case, Jesus would not have needed to be mocked, beaten and murdered like He was, all to make us right with God - to SAVE us!

When He was beaten, mocked, scorned by the Romans and Jews, what did He do? What did He say? "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Luke 23:34. The thing is, I think they DID know what they were doing. At least they knew that they were murdering an innocent man. I believe He only meant they didn't realize they SCALE of what they were doing. They were crucifying the Son of God, God himself. The same could probably be said of those who hurt us the deepest. Do they know they are hurting us? But do they realize how deeply? Of course, it doesn't matter. We are to forgive them all the same.

As Christians, we have no other choice but to forgive. Here are just a few of the many bible verses that tell us to forgive.

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Matthew 18:21-22

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. Mark 11:25

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-16

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Luke 6:37

Knowing we must do so doesn't make it any easier, unfortunately. However, what God asks us to do, He Himself will give us the strength to do. We don't have to "feel" forgiveness, we must simply obey and do it.

I leave you with the most powerful story of forgiveness that I know (after that of our Savior). It is that of Corrie Ten Boom, a Christian whose entire family was murdered by the Nazis because of their giving aid to Jews. It was a few years after WWII and she had just given a talk about Jesus' forgiveness, when she was approached by a man who was the meanest Nazi soldier in the camp where she and her sister were sent. He personally tortured her and her sister, who died there. How could she forgive him?? The story still brings tears to my eyes, no matter how many times I read it. Read and let it penetrate your heart: Corrie Ten Boom's story of forgiveness

God, this is it

Ever since the trip to the DR, I have just been looking for that sense of being "in" His will, just depending on Him and serving Him daily. It was such a fulfilling time - I knew I was exactly where I needed to be, and He filled me up, not food, TV, work or any other vice. I was overflowing with a sense of purpose and just feeling so incredibly blessed to connect with others who love him too, and being able to bless them too.

Telling the story of Joseph in Rio San Juan, Dominican Republic

When I got back, I applied to volunteer, sought every opportunity to serve, continued my daily devotional time and vowed to continue in His will, never going back. Reading Kisses from Katie and her blog, it is just so inspiring the amazing, beautiful things the Lord does through her every day in Uganda. However, no matter how intense the spiritual growth is that occurs in "mountain top living," the depth of it is really proved when you come down. I seem to be losing the intensity I had, the deep need to spend quietly with Him.

Today, my former student "Patrick" came back and we had another intense conversation. He did go and talk to his counselor, but he feels worse because now his feelings are really starting to emerge. Instead of appearing to have it all together and overachieving in school, yet being depressed, filled with anger and dead on the inside, he's starting to fall apart, lose control and actually feel something. I assured him it is a necessary step and mainly listened. There were even times where I just felt words coming out of my mouth, saying things I would never have thought to bring up myself, but perhaps just what he needed. I felt God working through me, right where I was.


The sky tonight on my way home

And then it hit me. God, this is it. I've been looking for just anything to bring back that purpose I felt, just to find the new me that came back from the DR. And I suddenly was just overcome with joy and felt a rush of love - the Spirit. This is it! I'm exactly where He wants me to be. I feel like God has put me right here for a reason. The students at my school may not be materially destitute, but they are hurting, so many of them are just spiritually bankrupt, desperately broken. They need Jesus and I can show them His love. Funny I had to go thousands of miles from home all to find that I was already where I needed to be all along.

 

Slaves or free?

In our country, we have a strong desire to be free. Actually, I believe it goes much beyond our country, our culture- I'm not sure anyone is born with a profound desire to be a slave. But in our country, we take great pride in being the "land of the free."

Yet we are enslaved. How can that be?

We are slaves to our desires, to feeling inadequate if we don't measure up to our peers in income, material possessions, physique, achievements, so much so that we can never stop and enjoy the blessings we have; we can only see how it's not enough. We are slaves to our desires to "fix" that inner ache/emptiness we all have- some by using alcohol, sex, drugs, porn, food - even world-approved fixes like exercise, service to others and taking time for ourselves because "we deserve it."

But none of those things address the real issue. We have a longing for our Father in heaven, to know Him and be loved by Him, to belong and have purpose only He can give.

I was just reading Romans 6 and was just struck with the irony of it all. If we are obedient to our desires, we are slaves to sin, which leads to death. Aren't we taught to listen to our "inner voice"? That the answer is inside of us?

No, that's what got us into this fix in the first place. As Jeremiah 17:9 says, the heart is deceitful above all things - we can talk ourselves into whatever our sinful nature desires- we are very good at justifying what we want! But, when we follow our own desires, that leads us down the path of sin, enslaving us.

But how do we break free? What amazing feat of liberation must we perform to gain our freedom?
And therein lies the irony.We must submit.

What? Submission is the opposite of freedom, isn't it? I mean, what do slaves do? Submit, right?

But it's very clear, Romans 6 does not give us another option. Actually, it's more like recognizing that we are incapable of NOT submitting to something. We will either be slaves to our out of control appetites (flesh, sinful desires) or we will be slaves to obedience which leads to righteousness.

Even as Christians, our desire is to be free. We feel we should be beyond the pull of sin. I mean, we died to that, right? We've been set free, right? But we cannot do it alone. We must BE SLAVES to righteousness, to obey God.

We are slaves either way, but death is what we get if we offer ourselves to sin. Eternal life is our gift if we offer ourselves to Christ (Romans 6:23) and as Jesus said in John 8:36, when He sets us free, it is for REAL, we are truly free. God doesn't see us as a bunch of slaves - we are His children- we belong to Him and have a place in His kingdom forever!

So ironic or not, I choose freedom - real freedom. That is, submission to the Lord and obedience to Him. How about you?

 

So you want to climb Longs Peak? (part 2)

We left off on the Ledges of Longs Peak, the farthest Jeff had ever gotten on this climb. Mike was nervous and moving really slow. Jeff went first, Mike followed and I stayed behind to encourage and make sure he was alright.

I didn't have a chance to worry about Jeff, nor did Jeff have a chance to worry about Jeff - he was moving slowly and talking Mike through it too. Part of it was also that Mike was on day 4 of antibiotics for a sinus infection, which affected his balance somewhat- he felt slightly dizzy from time to time. I believe God sent us to help him and him to us to help Jeff. Funny how that works. It makes me think of my favorite proverb- "He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed." Proverbs 11:25

Despite his fears, onward we trudged across the Ledges, which about halfway through actually descend quite a bit.

Next comes the Trough, a coulouir - basically a steep gravelly mess. There is little solid ground there- every rock large or small is likely to slide beneath your feet. It goes on for about 2000 feet and is quite steep.

At the top of the Trough is a 10 foot chock stone that leaves you in a conundrum. How do you get up? There are a few ways - you can rely completely on your feet on a slight protrusion from the sheer rock wall to the right or you can go the the left and climb a series of large rock formations, the first being the worst and hardest. Both seem impossible at a cursory glance, and even at several glances, but it's amazing what you'll do when you've climbed 7 1/2 miles and are almost to your goal.

Let me say that Jeff, the cautious one of the two of us went up the right side, the crazy way that even I refuse to take. I couldn't believe it! He was like Spiderman! Where was my husband? This new guy was fearless!

I took Mike's backpack (I actually take my backpack off to climb this section too) and helped him up the left side. He was becoming more fearful, wondering how he would get down. I thought that once he got past that and made it to the Narrows, surely he'd be home free.

I was wrong.

He got a few steps out onto the Narrows and was terrified. He told us in broken sentences that he was stopping here and not moving for at least half an hour until he calmed down. I had to yell at Jeff, who was boogeying quickly across the Narrows to tell him. We insisted on helping him down, but he said no, he'd be fine.

 Sitting at the top of the Trough

entering the Narrows

the beginning of the Narrows (Jeff is in the black head sock/Green Bay sweatshirt)

looking to the right (and down) from the Narrows

We were very disappointed that Mike was turning around, but at the same time were excited to be getting closer to the top. It was so amazing to see Jeff feeling the same way I was. We were both handling the altitude very well and were full of energy. The Narrows are actually quite short, much shorter than the Ledges and the Trough and require almost no altitude gain. 

Soon, we reached the end of the Narrows and turned left and straight up the Homestretch. 

end of the Narrows

 

It is a little intimidating, as there isn't always a good foothold and it is very steep. The rock is sheer with some cracks in it and always has some water running down it for good measure - ha!

 Yes, the Homestretch is no joke!

nearing the summit!!

Jeff was moving a bit slowly, as was everyone else. The air is a bit less oxygenated at 14,000 feet, for sure. I was so cold from moving so slowly in the shadows ever since the Keyhole and was elated to be on the Homestretch. Jeff later told me I said I felt like dancing, and I was actually singing as I was climbing. It was unreal how good I felt.

I still can't get over how fearless Jeff was. It is just so out of his character to be so carefree in such a situation, much less to do the climb we did in the first place. My daring dad did it back in 2002 and was so anxious about the trip down, I don't think he enjoyed the summit very much. 

 

I asked Jeff about it later and he said that night before, he read the book I gave him by Mike Donohue about climbing Longs Peak. If you've ever read his book, you know it is the most encouraging, reassuring book you can find, otherwise I'd have never given it to him to read, knowing his anxieties. However, reading it, he began to panic and all his anxieties began to kick in. Instead of letting them get away from him, he prayed for God to take them from him. He prayed for Him to take control and take his anxieties away, that whatever happened may God be glorified. And look how He answered his prayer! What a humble, beautiful prayer and look how God answered it!

 on the true Summit

 with Mt. Lady Washington in the background- to the left- which he climbed last year

okay, no one was as fearless as this guy!

As Jeff was snacking, I was running around the summit videotaping, taking pictures and just enjoying the experience.

Mt. Meeker in the background

 identifying geographic features for a German lady

 Chasm Lake and Peacock Pool

We enjoyed the summit fully and reluctantly began heading down. I had hoped to exchange email with Mike since I had taken so many pictures of him along the way, however we were sure that he was long gone and that we had seen the last of him. Or had we?

We had a brief snack and relaxed to get through the Keyhole again, into the sun and out of the exposed areas. 

forget the beach, this is MY idea of relaxing :)

Imagine our surprise when hours later we found Mike waiting for us at the bottom of the Boulderfield! We couldn't believe it! We told him so and he replied, "I said I would wait for you." But hours? For complete strangers? What a man of honor! We exchanged email and headed down. 

We felt so blessed to have such an amazing day. As Jeff noted, clouds eventually began forming around every other mountain in the area except Longs. That is just unreal, as Longs, being the highest peak around, is a magnet for every cloud and storm. We felt the hand of God the whole day.

If you would like to see a video montage of all our Longs pictures, including video, click HERE