Wow, so busy I've barely blogged at all. Anyway, what brings me back is that I'm currently trying to overcome performance anxiety. I don't know why, but I just get terrified speaking in front of other people. This year for the variety show, I wanted to do a tribute to a Colombian musician, Soraya, who died of breast cancer last year. It really is appropriate because it's called "Casi" which means "almost" and is about someone who almost gave up if it weren't for the person they're singing to. I feel like I just want to give up, but I want to give a little something back to her for what she's meant to me. Her music is so inspirational. She helped me deal with my cousin's death of breast cancer and also with my dad's cancer diagnosis last summer. However, it also is a chance for me to overcome my anxiety.
I don't know why, but I feel like I'm depending on God and seeking only His approval, yet my body is freaking out on me. I have trouble breathing and my gut starts knotting up. I can't stand still and my voice doesn't work. What it gets down to is I don't believe in myself. I feel ridiculous thinking that anyone would want to hear me sing or hear what I have to say. I think mentally I realize that if I could only let go and quit worrying so much, I'd be so much better off. God has put a song in my heart and given me so much to say, but I doubt myself so much. I was practicing by recording the song in an office with the door locked, lights off even, and Jeff commented that my voice just sounded weak and not free like when I'm just singing around the house or in the car. I felt my heart racing and my voice going out just thinking that any random people outside possibly hearing me. I know it's not logical, and I'll think I've mentally gotten past it, but then the stress is physically manifested in my breathing, gut, etc.
I'm going to try to pray constantly for God to bring me thr0ugh this.
