When I was driving to school this morning, I had a moment of clarity. You know, one of those realizations of what makes you tick that you can't believe you didn't already know? I know as a child I always had self-esteem problems, always thought I was fat and really lacked confidence. I thought I had grown beyond that, that I had more self-confidence, but now I'm wondering how much that still affects me.
I am a workaholic, no denying it. I love my job, and enjoy taking pride in my work. However, I'm starting to feel like a slave, like it's partly out of a need to be the most hard-working and best at what I do or else I feel like a failure. The thought horrifies my of anyone thinking I'm lazy, so I almost never let myself rest. This morning I started to wonder what it would be like if I could only stop caring what other people think. Again with the boundaries issues - I don't know why it's so hard for me to just say no and realize it's okay to take care of myself sometimes.
This morning revelation came after the previous day I was talking with a student who wanted me to help him learn to salsa dance. I have had lessons (Spanish Club, Hispanic friends), and I can try to mimic the movements, but I don't have the confidence to pull it off - I just feel ridiculous. That's it, really. I'm ashamed to admit it because it's like I'm spitting on the gifts God has given me, but I just lack self-confidence. I trust people and am pretty open right away, yet on another level, if you make me feel like I'm putting you out or care too much, I'm gone. I find myself going out of my way to push and run the opposite direction. For example, when I was 20 (full-time college student), my mom suggested that the house was getting a little full (Jilli was a baby, Jamie was 7 and Matt was 18). Two weeks later, I had my own apartment!
I thought I was over that, but I'm realizing that those instincts are still buried in there, ready to pop out at any time. I just wonder what is the worst that could happen if I let myself go. I honestly try, but I just can't. I don't know how to overcome my own emotions. Well, I never made the connection about my workaholic tendencies before, so I hope this is a new development, a step in the right direction. I'm definitely a work in progress!
Friday, January 25, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
fortunate yet freaking
Today was such a lovely birthday! My students all insisted on singing "las mañanitas" (Mexican birthday song), my teacher friends had a special lunch for me, and my husband and daughter treated me like a queen. I'm so blessed!
That being said, every time I even think about the exam I have to take for National Board Certification, I get so nervous it makes me ill. Honestly, last spring when I started looking through the sections of the exam, my first impression was "no problem." I wish I felt that way now! I actually hyperventilate when I even think about it. I think deep down, I know I have it in me, but I have such test anxiety that I fear will overcome me and that affects how I do. "We have nothing to fear but fear itself" is not comforting at all to me, it's just the plain truth! I wish I could just be rid of this stupid anxiety. It makes me angry that it grips me so, despite my efforts to trust in God and just let it go.
I'm trying to decide when to schedule the rest of the exam right now and have no idea when would be best - some are doing theirs right after the portfolio is due (end of March) because everything will be fresh in mind, and others are waiting to have more time to study. I have to take section 1 on May 10th, but am just not sure when to do the other 5 sections (have to do them all at once). I have some serious praying to do for 1) God's guidance in making the right decision and 2) for me to be able to overcome my anxiety, giving my worries to God and trusting He will take care of them.
That being said, every time I even think about the exam I have to take for National Board Certification, I get so nervous it makes me ill. Honestly, last spring when I started looking through the sections of the exam, my first impression was "no problem." I wish I felt that way now! I actually hyperventilate when I even think about it. I think deep down, I know I have it in me, but I have such test anxiety that I fear will overcome me and that affects how I do. "We have nothing to fear but fear itself" is not comforting at all to me, it's just the plain truth! I wish I could just be rid of this stupid anxiety. It makes me angry that it grips me so, despite my efforts to trust in God and just let it go.
I'm trying to decide when to schedule the rest of the exam right now and have no idea when would be best - some are doing theirs right after the portfolio is due (end of March) because everything will be fresh in mind, and others are waiting to have more time to study. I have to take section 1 on May 10th, but am just not sure when to do the other 5 sections (have to do them all at once). I have some serious praying to do for 1) God's guidance in making the right decision and 2) for me to be able to overcome my anxiety, giving my worries to God and trusting He will take care of them.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Pain and boundaries
It seemed like through my own personal reading, bible class and personal encounters in the past week, both boundaries and pain for a reason have popped up together. The lesson being that boundary-loving people welcome other people's boundaries - their right to say no and make their own decisions. Also, the idea of pain as pain, obviously, but a GOOD thing at times, meant to refine our character and produce growth. I seemed to be learning it well, and then it happened to me!
I pretty much thought the Mexico trip was off since only 4 were signed up, then my department head bent over backwards and took a loss to make it happen for the same price as originally promised if 10 kids went. I couldn't believe it and was so excited. All 4 kids said they'd go and I started planning for fundraising, getting trip packing lists and suggested reading materials ready. Then, the bomb dropped. 2 kids changed their mind, saying they didn't want to go because it "was too small and it wouldn't be any fun with so few kids." The trip is a homestay, so they'd only be rooming with 1 other kid anyway. Also, if I were their parent, I'd be like "too bad, you're going!" What an amazing learning experience and to not go just because there isn't a certain number of people going is ridiculous. I feel really bad for the 2 kids that REALLY want to go, as that ruins it for them. I had given up, then got hope back and was so looking forward to staying with the same family we stay with (haven't seen for almost 2 years) that has a daughter Hannah's age. I was so excited, then those 2 kids pulled the rug out from under me, for in my opinion, a very stupid reason. Why now? They were game before they knew the price might go up with a smaller group. I think they were planning on backing out, giving the price as an excuse, but when it stayed the same, they didn't have that to fall back on.
Anyway, I have to learn the hard way to accept their boundaries. It is their decision, and I can't force them to change their mind nor punish them for it. ALso, I wonder if through this God isn't setting some boundaries for myself that I am not. With National Board Certification, I am spazzed out working like crazy all year, which won't end until mid May. Then, the day after school gets out, I'm going to Kentucky to grade the AP exam. The Mexico trip would have been a few days after I returned from Kentucky. I'm going to keep praying for guidance, and I'm still angry (can you tell?), but not as much as before. I know this temporary pain is shaping my character, teaching me new things about boundaries that God knows I need.
P.S. I emailed this to myself this morning to post tonight (filters block it at school). Since I wrote this, one of the girls came just to make sure I knew she really wasn't going, as the first notice I got was by email. I surprisingly found myself being naturally pleasant and feeling no hostility whatsoever. Praying is changing my heart!
I pretty much thought the Mexico trip was off since only 4 were signed up, then my department head bent over backwards and took a loss to make it happen for the same price as originally promised if 10 kids went. I couldn't believe it and was so excited. All 4 kids said they'd go and I started planning for fundraising, getting trip packing lists and suggested reading materials ready. Then, the bomb dropped. 2 kids changed their mind, saying they didn't want to go because it "was too small and it wouldn't be any fun with so few kids." The trip is a homestay, so they'd only be rooming with 1 other kid anyway. Also, if I were their parent, I'd be like "too bad, you're going!" What an amazing learning experience and to not go just because there isn't a certain number of people going is ridiculous. I feel really bad for the 2 kids that REALLY want to go, as that ruins it for them. I had given up, then got hope back and was so looking forward to staying with the same family we stay with (haven't seen for almost 2 years) that has a daughter Hannah's age. I was so excited, then those 2 kids pulled the rug out from under me, for in my opinion, a very stupid reason. Why now? They were game before they knew the price might go up with a smaller group. I think they were planning on backing out, giving the price as an excuse, but when it stayed the same, they didn't have that to fall back on.
Anyway, I have to learn the hard way to accept their boundaries. It is their decision, and I can't force them to change their mind nor punish them for it. ALso, I wonder if through this God isn't setting some boundaries for myself that I am not. With National Board Certification, I am spazzed out working like crazy all year, which won't end until mid May. Then, the day after school gets out, I'm going to Kentucky to grade the AP exam. The Mexico trip would have been a few days after I returned from Kentucky. I'm going to keep praying for guidance, and I'm still angry (can you tell?), but not as much as before. I know this temporary pain is shaping my character, teaching me new things about boundaries that God knows I need.
P.S. I emailed this to myself this morning to post tonight (filters block it at school). Since I wrote this, one of the girls came just to make sure I knew she really wasn't going, as the first notice I got was by email. I surprisingly found myself being naturally pleasant and feeling no hostility whatsoever. Praying is changing my heart!
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Prayer
The eating thing is going well. It sure feels better to be eating healthier and not as much. It's so like every other kind of sin - we're enticed into indulging, as the idol promises fulfillment, yet we're left empty and remorseful.
Anyway, I'm mostly feeling fortunate right now to have been a part of a prayer vigil at my church. There is just something special about being a part of a body that is seeking God's guidance first and foremost, laying all of its plans, hurts and cares at His feet, trusting that He is in control and has our best interests at heart. It was also so peaceful to just spend some quiet time in prayer in a different place without distraction. I believe God hears my prayers and that they benefit those I'm praying for and glorify God, however an added benefit is what prayer does to my own heart. When I am focused on prayer, it gives me such perspective. He helps me to know what to pray for and often times make a change in me instead of the person or situation I'm praying about!
I hope you find time in all the craziness of whatever is battling for your time to shut the world out and turn your heart to God in quiet prayer. I will do the same!
Anyway, I'm mostly feeling fortunate right now to have been a part of a prayer vigil at my church. There is just something special about being a part of a body that is seeking God's guidance first and foremost, laying all of its plans, hurts and cares at His feet, trusting that He is in control and has our best interests at heart. It was also so peaceful to just spend some quiet time in prayer in a different place without distraction. I believe God hears my prayers and that they benefit those I'm praying for and glorify God, however an added benefit is what prayer does to my own heart. When I am focused on prayer, it gives me such perspective. He helps me to know what to pray for and often times make a change in me instead of the person or situation I'm praying about!
I hope you find time in all the craziness of whatever is battling for your time to shut the world out and turn your heart to God in quiet prayer. I will do the same!
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Resolutions...
I know, I know, not original at all, but Jeff and I are both hopping back on the wagon! We are in pretty bad shape and need to get eating healthy and exercising again. I am basically in the same shape as this summer, which stinks because I was doing so well with exercising and eating well until about mid October. My clothes were all loose, and I felt GREAT. Now the weight has all crept back and I am addicted to sweets. I hate that! We're trying to clear the house of junk, but some of it is Hannah's!
Anyway, yesterday and today I've felt better and have been eating for the right reasons. I just have to be real careful not to focus too much on my failures because I get depressed and turn to food. I've been so hard at work on Board Cert. stuff, I think food has become my stress-reliever, which is so ironic because it only causes more stress. I make food my idol and defile my body with it. Like in 1 Corinthians 6:12-13:
12"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything. 13"Food for the stomach and the stomach for food"—but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.
I realize it's not sexual immorality, but food is meant to nourish my body, not for me to long for it and eat more than my body calls for. This will no doubt not be the last such entry, but I'm resolved to keep focusing on the prize, on Jesus and His love for me, not my temporary body. The true damage I do when I give my heart to food is not physical, but spiritual. I will ask His help to focus on those rewards, of losing the desire to turn to food and finding my fill in Him instead of losing weight. That is my resolution for 2008!
Anyway, yesterday and today I've felt better and have been eating for the right reasons. I just have to be real careful not to focus too much on my failures because I get depressed and turn to food. I've been so hard at work on Board Cert. stuff, I think food has become my stress-reliever, which is so ironic because it only causes more stress. I make food my idol and defile my body with it. Like in 1 Corinthians 6:12-13:
12"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything. 13"Food for the stomach and the stomach for food"—but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.
I realize it's not sexual immorality, but food is meant to nourish my body, not for me to long for it and eat more than my body calls for. This will no doubt not be the last such entry, but I'm resolved to keep focusing on the prize, on Jesus and His love for me, not my temporary body. The true damage I do when I give my heart to food is not physical, but spiritual. I will ask His help to focus on those rewards, of losing the desire to turn to food and finding my fill in Him instead of losing weight. That is my resolution for 2008!
NBPTS
NBPTS (National Board for Professional Teaching Standards). I'm going for certification in EAYA-WLOE (Early Adolescent to Young Adulthood - World Languages Other Than English) - Whew! How's that for some acronyms?
Yeah, I should really be working on my entries right now, but I'm just going to take a moment to post. Most of my waking hours it seems go into working on National Board Certification. I love that Hannah, being 6, doesn't just let me work. I mean, sometimes she does, but I need someone who will kick me out of workaholic mode. I love my job so much it's actually my hobby! At least that's the way I think of it - I'm always coming up with a new idea for a lesson or doing something with technology for school. However, the Board Certification stuff is actually work. You have to be so mentally "in the zone" to do it. It's so worth it, though. I really have analyzed my teaching on such a different level. It's not about creating some fluffy lesson plans; you videotape yourself, analyze and reflect based on worthy standards in 4 entries (~16 pages each, and you are cutting out everything possible to get it all to fit!). Oh, and there's a hideous 4-hour exam too. Only 1/3 of people pass the first time, and I intend to be one of them - I, or more like my husband, needs this to be over in June. My sacrifices are their sacrifices, and so onward I go.
Yeah, I should really be working on my entries right now, but I'm just going to take a moment to post. Most of my waking hours it seems go into working on National Board Certification. I love that Hannah, being 6, doesn't just let me work. I mean, sometimes she does, but I need someone who will kick me out of workaholic mode. I love my job so much it's actually my hobby! At least that's the way I think of it - I'm always coming up with a new idea for a lesson or doing something with technology for school. However, the Board Certification stuff is actually work. You have to be so mentally "in the zone" to do it. It's so worth it, though. I really have analyzed my teaching on such a different level. It's not about creating some fluffy lesson plans; you videotape yourself, analyze and reflect based on worthy standards in 4 entries (~16 pages each, and you are cutting out everything possible to get it all to fit!). Oh, and there's a hideous 4-hour exam too. Only 1/3 of people pass the first time, and I intend to be one of them - I, or more like my husband, needs this to be over in June. My sacrifices are their sacrifices, and so onward I go.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Panic attack!
Wow, so busy I've barely blogged at all. Anyway, what brings me back is that I'm currently trying to overcome performance anxiety. I don't know why, but I just get terrified speaking in front of other people. This year for the variety show, I wanted to do a tribute to a Colombian musician, Soraya, who died of breast cancer last year. It really is appropriate because it's called "Casi" which means "almost" and is about someone who almost gave up if it weren't for the person they're singing to. I feel like I just want to give up, but I want to give a little something back to her for what she's meant to me. Her music is so inspirational. She helped me deal with my cousin's death of breast cancer and also with my dad's cancer diagnosis last summer. However, it also is a chance for me to overcome my anxiety.
I don't know why, but I feel like I'm depending on God and seeking only His approval, yet my body is freaking out on me. I have trouble breathing and my gut starts knotting up. I can't stand still and my voice doesn't work. What it gets down to is I don't believe in myself. I feel ridiculous thinking that anyone would want to hear me sing or hear what I have to say. I think mentally I realize that if I could only let go and quit worrying so much, I'd be so much better off. God has put a song in my heart and given me so much to say, but I doubt myself so much. I was practicing by recording the song in an office with the door locked, lights off even, and Jeff commented that my voice just sounded weak and not free like when I'm just singing around the house or in the car. I felt my heart racing and my voice going out just thinking that any random people outside possibly hearing me. I know it's not logical, and I'll think I've mentally gotten past it, but then the stress is physically manifested in my breathing, gut, etc.
I'm going to try to pray constantly for God to bring me thr0ugh this.
I don't know why, but I feel like I'm depending on God and seeking only His approval, yet my body is freaking out on me. I have trouble breathing and my gut starts knotting up. I can't stand still and my voice doesn't work. What it gets down to is I don't believe in myself. I feel ridiculous thinking that anyone would want to hear me sing or hear what I have to say. I think mentally I realize that if I could only let go and quit worrying so much, I'd be so much better off. God has put a song in my heart and given me so much to say, but I doubt myself so much. I was practicing by recording the song in an office with the door locked, lights off even, and Jeff commented that my voice just sounded weak and not free like when I'm just singing around the house or in the car. I felt my heart racing and my voice going out just thinking that any random people outside possibly hearing me. I know it's not logical, and I'll think I've mentally gotten past it, but then the stress is physically manifested in my breathing, gut, etc.
I'm going to try to pray constantly for God to bring me thr0ugh this.
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