Rock bottom

This is not so much of a composed entry as it is just pouring out of what is in my heart. I will probably add more context later, but here is what just poured out of me this afternoon, tearful, shaky voice to text in my phone in the car. I was so discouraged, just felt really down, to the point of tears. Then as I was listening to "Nos levantaremos" by Kari Jobe, it just came over me like a rush. This is where I need to be... I just praise you Lord right now because I know how much I need you. Why is it in order to feel your presence I have to feel so broken down Lord? I praise you for the broken state I'm in right now, the utter wretchedness. I was so discouraged, and now I realize I just feel you so near me right now. I know what Paul meant when he said that his soul praises you for his weakness. Without falling apart I wouldn't know what your great comfort was like I do right now. Then I came across this on Facebook. Coincidence? I don't believe it.

What makes the perfect husband?

The title is a bit misleading. I have no intention of defining what makes the perfect husband. In fact I'm pretty sure the "perfect husband" doesn't exist. Every woman's needs are unique and there is no one man who could meet every woman's needs. I can only say that mine is perfect for me.

I am just amazed every day that he continues to love me and how deeply he does. No woman deserves to feel this loved and treasured, yet I am.

PATIENCE
When we first met, I would not have thought of him as patient, but that defines him now. Early on we had our share of spats, like any couple, and I ended up in tears. Communication, saying what you mean and having that understood for how it was meant- every young couple's struggle! He began a new mantra "assume noble motives." When I said something that may have seemed accusatory or rubbed him the wrong way, he repeated his mantra. Him giving me the benefit of the doubt has ironed out nearly every misunderstanding and brought peace in our relationship. Not to mention the fact that Hannah benefits from seeing her parents handle conflict healthily and her father is more patient with her too!

MATURITY AND GROWTH
There is great debate as to whether people can actually change. I can testify that yes, people can and do. Jeff is a prime example! At some point he got frustrated with his own shortcomings and instead of finding someone to blame for them (family, society, etc.), he decided to take responsibility for them. What he was doing was not leading him to be the person he wanted to be, so he changed his behavior. He limited his exposure to negative influences that caused him to go down the same old paths, encouraged self pity or doubted his ability to change.

Independent of me, his path led him to Jesus. Jeff, who was burned out on religion, who was skeptical of any authority - corporate, governmental, religious, and didn't feel the presence of God at all. Did He exist? Jeff at least didn't declare with certainty that He didn't, but doubted it. However, he knew He was real to me and respected that. I learned early on I was not responsible for his salvation, that was his personal choice. I never pushed him or preached, just loved him. On and off he would show interest. One day, as he had been walking closer with Him, he heard a word "baptism." That led him down the path he is currently on, following Jesus. Hannah was only a toddler, but she remembers her daddy getting baptized. I pray one day soon she will make the same decision. She wants to be just like her daddy in everything, which is a good thing!

I am never more reminded of how far he has come than when interacting with his family. His dad seems to go out of his way to get a rise out of him, but he never bites. If his dad says something outlandish, selfish or crass, he concedes graciously, taking the wind out of his sails. Jeff doesn't react the same way anymore, he is a different person. I am far less patient with him than Jeff is! He is a new creation and has a whole new family dynamic. I'm so proud of Jeff!

GENEROSITY AND THOUGHTFULNESS
I giggle when I remember how much of a spendthrift Jeff used to be and how he is now! Back in our college days, he would give me constant grief about buying a cold Diet Coke in the student center because it was so much cheaper to buy in bulk at the grocery store. Our friends were unanimous in that it was my money and he was being ridiculous. Fast forward to now where if I even mention I'm thirsty he offers to drive to the Kum & Go and buy me cold DCs. He's ridiculous in the other direction. I always have to tell him not to buy me things, but he loves to pamper me.

The reason he was so cautious and hated to spend money was about one thing: security. Now that his faith rests not in this world, he is generous with his resources. He has trusted God with his resources and seen that He is faithful. He is generous and purposeful about giving at church and a number of other organizations. We still are very thrifty, but not out of fear. He has discovered that the proverb is true: He who refreshes others himself will be refreshed.

Jeff has not been to the Dominican Republic nor does he know any of the people there, yet he has supported me 100%. When I wanted to sponsor a child I had met there, he was on board. We have been cutting back even more in order to afford to do so, and I was dismayed that he had gotten me a Christmas gift, despite the fact we agreed not to. When I opened it up, it was a piece of paper. He had made a significant donation to the child we sponsor in the DR. I was so touched - the perfect gift! He loves to spoil me, but the reason his gifts are so perfect is that they are done out of a deep desire to please the recipient not the giver. He is one of the most selfless people I know - and he makes me feel like the most loved wife alive!

***
These are but a few of the qualities that make Jeff the perfect husband for me. I've been meaning to blog about him and how blessed I am for a while now, but time has gotten away from me. Now, the last day of 2013, it seems appropriate to spend it honoring my husband and the man he has become. I can't wait to see what 2014 holds for us!

Spanish teacher explodes and toxic waste comes out. Details at 10.

(...or 2 days later. This is from Thursday.)

Today just wore me out. I was just not expecting it to be so demanding, but worst of all was my last class. My IB high-stakes oral assessments were a disaster. Every group's discussion wasn't much of a discussion and all but one group was blatantly cheating. (Here it comes... this is going to get ugly, it's coming up...) Spanish fluency-wise, they are overall the weakest group of IB kids I've ever had and they don't care. I'm angry at them! I watch them joke around as they revel in mediocrity - actually that would be a step up from where they're at! (Don't say I didn't warn you!)

On a daily basis I have to hound them to speak Spanish in class - this is basically honors Spanish 5. I have fewer problems with my 3rd year kids being able to express themselves in Spanish and certainly with being on task. Their Spanish is so bad their discussions are shallow and inadequate, they revert to English, laugh, get off topic constantly, and do nothing at home to try to improve, nor come in for help or take advantage of Spanish Club activities such as Spanish lunch or trips to South Omaha. When I speak Spanish, and especially when we listen to videos/songs that are faster, they are lost. Even when I summarize, rephrase in Spanish and add visuals, they still don't get it. Ok, there are just a few for whom this level of incompetence is an accurate description, but the whole class is at varying levels of not measuring up to IB standards, even though I know they are bright in other IB subjects. They have the ability to dedicate themselves, but they just aren't. My frustration is NOT at their shortcomings, it is their lack of urgency, effort and their attitude that somehow by copying off of one another, whispering answers, it will be fine. It is not fine. This will be the first year in the 10 years of IB graduating classes that someone doesn't get their diploma because of Spanish. My nightmare, my shame.

Tonight I was inexplicably drawn to the book of Philippians. Chapter 4 spoke - no, screamed - at me.

GENTLENESS: Philippians 4:4-5

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

Gentleness. I'm ashamed when I realize that I'm called to be known for my gentleness, when I'm so disgusted at my students, so disappointed in them, my only instinct is to tear into them. And rejoice? Really, always? Yep.

As I step away, I must ask myself why I'm really upset they're failing. They are failing. In general, particularly with my IB kids, I feel a huge sense of responsibility for them. I even had many of these kids 2 years ago, so my connection is stronger. We always say that failure is not an option, but it is. Just like God gave us, students have a free will - even my precious IB kids - and if they ignore everything I say and put in zero effort, yes, they too have a right to fail. Instead of stewing and exploding at them, I can continue to inform, instruct, encourage and motivate as best I can, yet let the natural consequences happen if they disregard my instruction. And my gentleness will be evident to all. And I can rejoice in the Lord instead of grumbling about others' poor decisions.

BE SATISFIED: Philippians 4:11-13

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

I can be content in all circumstances. Somehow when I've read that before, I missed that. The famous verse about being able to do all things through Christ who gives me strength, so frequently quoted. Not what it says. I can't force students who are lazy to care. I can't force kids who want to take the easy way out to be more honorable, hard working and ethical. I can't do anything FOR them, they have to do it themselves.The verse says I can do all this through Christ who gives me strength. What is all this? It is being content in all circumstances, times of need and want, freedom and captivity, worldly success and failure.

How then am I to deal with my frustrations? My anger? My disappointment? I don't! I give it to Him!

GIVE THANKS: Philippians 4:6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

He is faithful to keep His promises. I must take it to Him in prayer, then there is no longer anything to be anxious about! He's got this!

So what about me though? I'm called to let Him empty me of my burdens and sorrows, but now what goes in their place? What fills me back up?

THINK ABOUT SUCH THINGS: Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

That is the key to the rejoicing we were just called to do. It is a joy that comes only from Jesus, that only He can give, but we are still called to focus our minds on excellent and praiseworthy things. We don't just sit back and expect God to take total control of our minds and fix everything for us. We must allow Him in. He won't bully His way into our minds, our hearts or our lives. He gave us this command for our own good as well. He knows what will fill us with joy (not fleeting happiness), what will shape our character.

Also, don't miss in the same verse about taking our anxieties to Him in prayer (verse 6), it says to give thanks. Focusing my mind on what I have to be thankful for fills me up! Thinking about all that is lovely, noble, pure, isn't living in La La Land, its an intentional focus on what helps me be more like Jesus.

TRUE LOVE: John 13

In the past few weeks, I've been marveling over Jesus' response to His disciples' shortcomings in John 13. They were concerned about their own glory, their place of honor in the kingdom. If I'm Jesus, I'm thinking, "You have got to be kidding me! What have I done this whole time I've been with you? Serve! Who have I spent my time with? With the religious leaders, rich, or those concerned about their own glory? No! Have you learned nothing? I mean, you've been here with me every day, where did I go wrong? You, my disciples, my closest friends! If anyone should understand, it should be you! And I've clearly told you I'm about to die, to go through something really difficult, and this is the petty crap you are bickering about?!" But then, I've got a ways to go to be Jesus. What did He do? Let it go and say to Himself, "ah they just don't get it," being patient with them? No, He responded in love. Deep, unmistakable love. What but love not only ignores an offense but blesses? He humbled Himself once again not to teach them a lesson and shame them, but to cleanse their hearts and show them pure love, what He was all about.

So my only response can only be one of love. Not controlling, punishing, trying to make them (fill in the blank). I will give them one more chance and graciously explain, not criticize, making the expectations clear. And if they fail again, if they don't follow my direction and disregard everything I say, then I will be grieved for them, I will say extra prayers for them, but I will let them. I will be gentle, and I will rejoice in the Lord. At least that is my prayer! I'm still a work in progress ;)



Praying specifically

I've been so busy I can't believe it's been a month since I've blogged last! It actually seems longer ago than that! I'm "breaking the silence" briefly to emphasize something important I learned today.

Keep a prayer journal. Even when you're busy. Especially when you're busy!

A week ago, I felt so unbelievably overwhelmed by just everything - family and friends having surgery, stressed out, going through troubled times, multitudes of commitments, no time for anything, you get the idea. I decided instead of just praying for it all to write it down as a prayer list. I was shocked at the length of the list, but I did it and then prayed slowly down the list.

And you know what? I felt such PEACE when I was done. I gave it to the Lord and left it there with Him to worry about for me. It was as simple as that!

When we pray, it's easy to get overwhelmed with the enormity of the task at hand. This world is broken, lost, hurting - where do we start? It is tempting to just say generic prayers for everything - "we pray for all those hurting, sick, lost, Lord, you know who they are". Yes, He does. But WE need to pray specifically for one another.

WHY? It connects us with one another. How can we be His hands and feet if we are up against a nameless, faceless problem to pray for? I am more compassionate and less judgmental when I am praying for you by name. Perhaps more importantly, which is where the prayer journal comes in, we see how He answers our prayers when we pray specifically.

I had honestly forgotten that on my prayer list a week ago I had prayed for Hannah to be more responsible, until I re-read it this morning. There was no particular reason I had prayed that prayer now, I just felt that was a good step as she is growing older and becoming more independent, and that's something she's always struggled with. My jaw hit the floor as I saw that on my list today. Let me tell you why.

Out of the blue yesterday in the car, Hannah said, "Mom? I'm making an All Hallow's Eve resolution."
Me- "What??"
Hannah- "Well, I didn't want to wait until New Year's Eve and Halloween doesn't have the same ring to it"
Me- "Ok, what is it"
Hannah- "Mom, I want to be more responsible."
Me- "What brought this on?"
Hannah- "Nothing, I just want to be more responsible."

I'll tell you what brought it on- my prayer! I would never have remembered that if I hadn't written it down. Yes, God is at work whether I'm writing it down (or praying, quite frankly) or not. However, by praying, I'm part of it! I have a front row seat!

I would encourage you to try it. It's amazing how much we realize He actually does if we open our eyes, which for this forgetful mind means writing it down!

"Back on the wagon" update

So, 2 weeks ago I took the plunge and got back on Weight Watchers and almost immediately I felt relief. No more guilt or wondering whether I was eating too much, too little (ha!), out of control... I had structure and was freed.

This time, since it hasn't been that long that I was on Weight Watchers, I actually have been less obsessive about perfection. I have been eye-balling it for measurements, sharing things I had measured/counted out if someone else wanted some, you know, like a NORMAL PERSON instead of how I usually am in such situations.

Instead of making me more obsessed and focused on food, WW has helped free me from it and I've been focusing on living life- being with my family, running, church, school. And I feel so much better already, even though it's only been 2 weeks.

Oh, and I've already lost 6 lbs. I know that is a bit ridiculous, especially since that's only 8 lbs. from the absolute thinnest I ever got running 20-30 miles a week and living on watermelon lol. But, I'll take the gift and not focus on the scale. In fact, unlike the last time, I've ONLY weighed myself on my weigh-in dates (once a week). It is one small tool to keep me in check and make sure I'm not deluding myself if my other habits slack.

Thanks for all your encouragement!

Back on the wagon!

Well, it's been since really May of 2012 that I've been on Weight Watchers, but I just joined again. It was time. I have gained 13 lbs. from my smallest, which I don't think sounds terrible, but I've just been on a downhill slide since the beginning of the year. And I'm sick of it.

With my dad's heart surgery in January, my grandma's tumor and last year's school year, plus the preparations for the DR, I began to gain weight. I kept thinking once summer hit it would be like the year before where I just lost weight without trying. Didn't happen. In fact, I kept gaining.

My pants are all too tight. In fact, tonight I tried on one pair of jeans that I had from before I lost all the weight that were really too loose on me. Everyone I was close to said get rid of them, they were just way too loose and even unflattering, but I loved how they felt and kept them for lounging around. Well, they fit perfectly now, ugh. But it's not all about the clothes. I'm tired of always feeling bloated- I miss not feeling self-conscious about my love handles and tummy, not to mention thighs.

But these are all just outward signs of my lack of self-control. But really, my idol worship- food. I have never been able to just "watch it" to get back on track when it comes to eating/weight. I have to get extreme and do a sort of de-tox, to break the pull - stronghold is a better word.

I have felt closer to God than ever in my life, more in tune with His will, serving Him more than ever before. However, I am NOT immune to sin's pull, and it has snuck in stealthily to distract me and steal my joy. So even though it is money I keep telling myself is not wasted, I joined WW again. I will be accountable! I will discipline my eating, turning to God and God alone for my comfort, not food. Say a little prayer for me if you would!

How to make yourself miserable

Some of the following sound simply ridiculous, but I'm pretty sure I've done every single one of them at one point or another...

How to make yourself miserable:

1. Make a list of your problems. Be sure to do so first thing in the morning so you can get started focusing on them right away.

2. Be sure to worry about something every day. Even if nothing is quite pressing right now, you wouldn't want to get out of practice.

3. Feel sorry for yourself. It's you against the world, and if you don't, who will?

4. Find a way to serve both God and money. Serving God is the "Sunday school answer," but we all know money makes the world go round.


5. Compare yourself to others. How else will you measure your own success? Keep your eyes open and don't become complacent or satisfied with what you have or who you are. Someone out there has more and is better, never forget that.

6. Avoid absolutes, morality is all relative. The only real truth is inside of you, and what's right for you is all that matters.

7. Stand up for yourself, first and foremost.  Never mind other people- they'll take care of themselves.

8. Don't be such a bleeding heart. People just walk all over you anyway. If you waste too much time getting involved in other people's troubles, you many neglect your own.

9. Be sure to keep up on the news, TV and social media. You need to stay in touch and be current. If you have time afterwards, then read your bible. You can always do that later because it stays the same and you aren't missing anything.


Paraphrased from "Several Ways to Make Yourself Miserable" from Keep a Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliott