Never alone

I can't believe it's been 6 dang years since I've blogged here. I don't know if I'm starting back up, but I got something to say today.

This weekend is the Central States Conference and I've been having mixed feelings about my decision to sit this one out. I knew I had too much going on and needed a break, but more people are going who I really wanted to see, and I wanted to cheer on a good friend who is up for teacher of the year. However, now I am SO GLAD I'm not there. I wouldn't be able to be here for my sweetie if I were there, and he needs me. Big lessons for me in slowing down so I can be available for what God has in store. 

Jeff has had a tenderness and kind of hard spot for around 2 months now that he thought was a pulled muscle, no big deal. Finally, I encouraged him to see a doctor. Initially they thought it was an inguinal hernia, but it turns out it's a mass. Is it an infected lymph node? Or is it something more serious, like the C word? We don't know. More testing to come, and in the meanwhile Jeff's anxiety is a level 10. I've been pretty emotional lately and Kathy's death has really been hitting me hard. I just keep wanting to call her and for her to make it all better. I feel a second-hand loneliness for Jeff, wishing his mommy were here.

Tomorrow morning is his biopsy. That is a blessing in and of itself. The interventionalist surgeon they referred him to couldn't get him in until next Friday afternoon. Jeff had a meeting this afternoon online (he still works from home) and confided in two colleagues about his situation. They urged him to look around and he was able to get a biopsy set up with a specialist tomorrow morning within our insurance's network!

Didn't know if he'd be up to it, but we went to a fundraiser for his work tonight where he was recognized for his service. 

The keynote speaker, Aaron Davis, was amazing. He started out saying how we were all dressed up and having a great time, but some of us were going through some serious things. Some of us were struggling. He recently lost his dad and he said he just realized he would get no more of "these" and proceeded to play a voice message of his dad wishing him a happy birthday. I broke, sobbing. I could just hear Kathy's voice - she always called for our birthdays - and her typical sign off, "I'll talk to you."

After the event, Jeff had taken some things to the car and I was coming back from picking up a silent auction item and I ran into Aaron Davis. I told him thank you, that Jeff and I felt so seen with the message he shared and told him about what he is going through. He asked when the biopsy was - what time - and assured us he would be in prayer at that exact time. I asked if I could take a picture together and Jeff showed up so he got to experience his encouragement firsthand. He gave me his information and made me promise to let him know how everything goes. 

I HATE what Jeff is going through right now, but I just see God's fingerprints all over our lives these days. It reminds me a bit of one of my favorite poems growing up - Footprints in the Sand. 

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

‘You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?’

The Lord replied,

‘The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,

is when I carried you.’

-Mary Stevenson

I don't know what tomorrow will hold, but I do know one thing. God will carry us through it.