COVID-19

This too shall pass and someone wisely recommended journaling about it, so here I go.

I usually try to have a purpose or lesson to blogging, and I'm sure some will come out of this, but my main intention is just to desahogarme (I suppose the closest translation of this is to “get it off my chest” or “unburden myself.” It literally means to “undrown myself”) and to try to process what is going on inside.

Corona virus, or COVID-19, seemingly came out of no where. I mean, really January it bubbled up in China, but the average American cared not. Fast forward to Italy, the end of January, but really end of February when it started to hit the fan. Now Italy has more COVID-19 deaths that China (!).

When it became REAL for me was when my student, Danielle, was going to Spain with her family - parents and several little siblings. She is the sweetest kid, super motivated to learn and practice her Spanish. She deserved this trip. But as she was preparing to leave, the writing started to be on the wall. My gentle urges to not go - sharing advice from friends abroad, articles how Spain was a week behind Italy - were met with awareness I was not the first to voice my concern. Anyway, it was her parents' decision and I did not want to alarm her.

She left Wednesday in the heat of it. Wednesday night I read an article how Spain had 22 deaths and around 1000 cases. I planned on printing the article for my IB class the following morning. By the time I printed it in the morning, there were 64 deaths and 2000+ cases. 20 minutes later when I got back to my computer from the copy room, there were 84 deaths and 2700 cases.

That was our last day of school. Things were moving quick here in Omaha with our first cases of community spread (unknown source of COVID-19 infection) and authorities wisely wanted to nip it in the bud. That was 1 week ago yesterday. As of yesterday, Spain had 833 deaths at 18,077 cases. 10x the deaths in one week. Not only is everything closed, but people aren't allowed to leave their homes or hotels unless it's an emergency. I've been worried about my student and her family. I don't know where they are - are they back in the U.S.? Stuck in Spain?

Hannah came home because her classes are all online now. We didn't move her out because she was supposed to work Wednesday and then the weekend. I got sick though and passed it on to her, so she is not going back to work. We have sore throats, headaches, body aches, but are pretty sure it's just flu. I had a small fever once, but not since and she hasn't either. We are going to move her out tomorrow. It will be a while because she hasn't prepared at all. There was no time, as she worked the weekend right after the university closed.

The last I left the house was Monday for my haircut. I haven't gone to the store, but I hear there is no meat. Fortunately, we have plenty of toilet paper. That has been the big running joke. But seriously, there is a run on the toilet paper and it's a hot commodity. That is the first thing anyone associates with this crisis.

My initial thought when classes were suspended for online learning were of relief. I was glad they were making the right decision to protect the community. I also looked forward to a slower pace of life, necessarily since everything was cancelled - SHH service hours, such as teaching at 2 elementary schools, the National Spanish Exam next week (or postponed??), the South O field trip... who knows what else. However, I have had LESS peace than I can remember. True, I'm sick - being physically ill weakens your mental stamina and ability to rein in unhealthy thoughts - but the main reason is I haven't unplugged at all.

I follow the news. More deaths. More measures to stop the disease. More dire projections.
I am on social media. Helpful resources - amazing free deals to review and consider. Discussions of other teachers like me trying to figure out what this all means and how to proceed. Concerns of equity for students without access to technology or even to meals. Concerns of giving enough but not too much work. Concerns of preparing for exams - how to give them. Concerns of whether students will have IB/AP exams or get to graduate in a ceremony. Concerns of how to end the year for SHH.
I am comparing myself. Am I doing enough? Everyone else seems like they have these amazing plans, but I just feel paralyzed and my head is spinning.
I am frustrated at ignorance. I am frustrating at people making light of this, saying it's no big deal. People refusing to comply and just going out. Their assessment of the situation is influenced by their desensitization and irritation of hearing about it all the time, rather than tracking how it progresses. It seems just fine here with few deaths and cases (currently there are only 34 confirmed cases in Nebraska and 0 deaths), so they want business as usual. On a side note, testing is hard to get - it is limited and reserved for those with advanced symptoms and believed contact with individuals confirmed to have COVID-19. There are even small businesses in New York suing saying they have a right to assemble. It is like vaxing - if some refuse to do it, it puts the whole population at risk. This situation is unique in that we are being asked to modify our behavior significantly in order to protect those at risk - elderly, immunocompromised, those with breathing issues such as asthma. We will all probably get it but must "flatten the curve" - ie; not all get it at once so the healthcare system can handle it. On a sidenote, a 34 year old man whose only preexisting condition was asthma just died of it. How many healthy young people have asthma? I'm so sick of hearing "oh, it's just elderly and immunocompromised people, not me." But your actions affect them, and they deserve to live just as much as you do.
I'm checking school email. I even get texts every time I try to stay away that tell me to go read my school email for some new development. I wrap my head around the expectations - how will my plans meet my students' needs? How will I best conduct synchronous learning - live videoconferencing? When will we be back and how do I prepare for that?

I have done a couple fun things with Hannah - we baked a cake. We made cake balls. We've watched some Netflix. I've been reading a couple books. But mostly I'm unsettled.

I haven't let myself really think about my own fun upcoming plans, basically just counting on them being cancelled. The Juanes concert 4/28. The Grand Teton Half Marathon the beginning of June. Comprehensible Iowa conference and meeting AC Quintero and Jen Degenhardt. Jeff and my anniversary trip and my scholarship study in Spain and Italy for 1 month in June-July.

Right now, the president has said no more than 10 people shall gather. Omaha restaurants are take-out only and all non-essentials are closing - dance studios, etc. Grocery store hours are reduced. Yesterday we had the option to come up to school to get things but we had to sign up for a time slot so there were no more than 10 of us at once. I was sick, so thought I better not. My classroom is a hot mess, as even then I didn't imagine what I'm imagining now: I could never see my students face to face again. Currently, it's April 30th at the earliest.

I have been having trouble breathing. I am pretty sure it's anxiety. The future is uncertain and I'm a planner. If I'm honest, I'm feeling depressed and don't want to leave the house anyway.

Yet I am so blessed to be where I am. I have a job I love. Jeff is working from home now. My daughter is home. I was grieving not being able to see her with me being gone so much this summer and it her last summer at home (she plans to move out on her own and get a cat, so no coming home for the summers). So now I have time with her, which is awesome.

Last night I had "girls night out" via FaceTime with my dear friend Heidi. She is teaching her high school students, all while holding down the fort for her own 3 kids. She has to navigate helping them with homework, impressing upon them they must stay home for safety all while not alarming them. She is human too - when does she get to be human? I am so grateful not to be in her shoes, even as I admire and am inspired by her deeply.

Today I started cleaning, doing laundry and shut everything off. No news today - no social media - no work. It can wait. I need the mental break. I really feel much better.

I have so much to be grateful for. I found this list I made in a Ladies' Class at church a while back and it just hit me. I still have every last thing on the list right now.

That is all for now. Perhaps more later, perhaps not. This is more for me anyway. I know everyone has their own story they're living right now and there is nothing special or unique about mine.

Blessings to you.

Different kind of quiet time

I had a LONG DAY. You know the kind I mean? The kind where you get home super late and are still working in your head long after it's over? The kind where you call your husband and say let's meet for dinner somewhere because it's too late to make dinner?

So, shocker, it took me a while to wind down and I didn't get as much sleep as I wanted to. I've come to realize my weight issues are very hormonal. My stress levels and lack of sleep are sabotaging all of the efforts I'm making to eat right. So, I make a real effort to sleep 7 hours each night, or at least 6. This night I was only going to get 5.

So I decided to get up a little late and extend my sleep for an hour. It would mean my half hour of quiet time in the morning was gone, but I reasoned I needed the sleep.

When I woke up, I began getting ready and listened to bible app (end of 2 Corinthians and beginning of Galatians) while I did. I even had time to sit and pray for a few minutes.

My 30 minutes of quiet time in the morning are very importante to me. They make a huge difference in my day. However, today I feel like I made the right call. I feel more rested than had I pushed myself to cut out that extra hour of sleep.

I don’t like to cut corners and am covetous of this time but part of my problem is I am all or nothing, I compartmentalize and focus only on physical health or only on spiritual health. But that's not how it works. Today I made the choice to do the best I could, all things considered, and not give up altogether, despite not reaching the goals I set. I decided to seek God and some spiritual peace in the time I had, knowing my physical limitations. As I heard in Galatians today, if I could fulfill the law myself, then Christ died for nothing (Galatians 2:22)

The story behind the story

Let me tell you the story of how Luisauny puede came about. I'm not really even sure if I'm writing for you or for me, but here it is.

This isn't the story of how Luisauny and I met and she became part of our family. That is another story altogether. In fact, you can read some of it in the book (if you can read Spanish!).

I was already sort of working on another book set in Mexico but had tabled it with a crazy semester at school, Mt. Rushmore half marathon, my grandma passing, you get the idea. Anyway, about a week before Luisauny came to spend a week with us for Thanksgiving, a thought popped into my head. Why don't I write a book set in Dominican culture? Then, I thought oh my goodness - Luisauny! I can just tell her story!

Immediately when the idea came to me I had a slight panic. What if she says no? As the week went on and Lui's arrival got closer, I only felt stronger and stronger about telling her story. I knew it was intensely personal and wanted to make sure she was 100% comfortable about it or I wasn't going through with it. But I kept feeling such a push. This was bigger than both of us and meant to be!

When I talked to her about it, I was nervous. I didn't want to pressure her into it. Her reaction was excitement and she felt honored. Whew!

So how do you make someone's life, with all the complexities and moments, into a comprehensible reader? How do you make it a coherent story, having it all make sense and have a purpose? I thought about what Luisauny's personal goals are: to help people with their mental health and to bring God glory. Those were the two lenses I used when writing the book. 

Thanksgiving week, Lui put up with a constant stream of questions about her childhood, and filling in other gaps I didn't know about her life. I began to write. I showed her the first two chapters as I wrote them and she approved. As I got into some harder things to write, I didn't want to show her anymore. I had to include the pain. I wanted to be authentic and I couldn't gloss that over, but I just couldn't let her read it until I got back to the good parts. So she didn't see another word until I finished the manuscript.

The book focuses on her battle with mental health growing up, from age 5 until the present. I struggled with whether or not to include myself and my family in it at all because it's not about me, but about her. However, ultimately we made it in because it made it a nice transition to living in the U.S.

As in Caras vemos with Mexican culture and Cuernavaca, I tried to write it in such a way that you feel like you are being immersed in Dominican culture, that you can imagine what it is like there, what the people are like. I gathered as many relevant photos and video clips to make it even more real.

When I finally finished, I sent it to Luisauny at the worst of times - she was leaving in 2 hours for the Dominican Republic for Christmas break and had no time to even sleep. She would have a sketchy connection while traveling around and in Bobita, so I had no idea when she would finally read it.

I practically wept with joy when I got the text from her (I've translated it to English here. She is perfectly fluent in English, but we always communicate in Spanish :)

"It MADE ME CRY. Honestly it was difficult to read many parts. But it just put everything into perspective. I was nervous about the book because it meant reliving so much, but it's done. I made it. Thank you for telling my story. It is an honor. Truly."



It was exactly what I hoped for- not that she suffered, but that she felt that she was reading her story. I knew I wanted to use book sales to donate to a mental health charity in the Dominican Republic, but I literally couldn't find any. Lui didn't know of any either.

Wow.

So, I wondered - could we donate to the Children's Home right there in Bobita in a special fund designated for the mental health care of the children? I 100% trust Porfi and Carla who run it, as well as Paul and Barb here in the states who still have a hand in it.

You will never believe it, but they JUST started having a psychologist come to work with the children there once a week!! She has classes, like safe touching, etc. as well as meeting with them individually. Paul said the kids are really opening up to her too.

Psychologist working with children at the Children's Home in Bobita, DR

Sitting back, I am just so amazed to be a part of God's plan. (That is to say nothing of the amazing way He brought Luisauny and me together as family in the first place!) In a matter of less than 2 months He stuck an idea in my head, opened Lui's heart to it, led me through writing a book, brought a psychologist to the Children's Home, and I believe He will use the book to help support that. I've never prayed for success before of anything I've created, but I'm praying for this book. I'm praying that it helps fund the work in the DR and that God gets all the glory!

Identity

I've been struggling with doubting myself professionally lately. I don't want to get into details, but philosophically I differ with a very respected colleague and it's causing continuity issues with our students.

I just watched a great video by Justin Slocum Bailey: "You are not those things." It was so simple yet so profound. You are not what people say about you, what people do to you, your job performance, your relationships, you are not those things.

You are not those things

He ends with I cannot tell you what you ARE, but you are not those things. 

As I opened my bible for my morning quiet time with the words of that video from the night before still ringing in my head, I was in 2 Corinthians 5, which as God would have it, tells me what I AM.

I am a new creation (5:17)

I am sought after by God (5:18)

I am His ambassador (5:20)

I am the righteousness of God (5:21)

I am God's coworker (6:1)

I am the temple of the Living God (6:16)

These are not things I earned, given conditionally if I'm "good enough" or do enough. Paul makes that clear in 5:18:

All of this is a gift from our Creator God, who has pursued us and brought us into a restored and healthy relationship with Him through the Anointed.

All of those things that I AM are not erasable based on someone else's opinion or my own failings. They are my true identity.  As though Paul is responding to Justin's video, he also talks of public opinion and the world's view of us as so flippant, praising, criticizing, loathing, respecting, yet we have the power of God and His voice of truth in our ear (6:7-8).  Because we know what and who we are, whether we are dying, poor, sorrowful, mistreated, we live joyfully, bringing riches to others and have more than we need (6:10).

This was too beautiful of a lesson not to share - Justin's video, then the scripture to round it out. But it turns out God's lesson for me wasn't finished yet.

Despite all of this encouragement and peace that I received, in the car on the way to school, thoughts started to swirl in my mind. Worries. Doubts. Fears. Negative self talk. Wanting to nip it in the bud, I plugged my phone into the speaker and clicked on YouTube. I couldn't really see (I just got new contacts, which turns out were completely wrong!), so I just clicked on a random video. The following beautiful song, by a group I had never heard before began to play and fill my soul. It is called "My Worth is not in What I own."

My Worth is Not in What I Own

What a beautiful reminder of my true worth- not in my skill, name, wealth, fame, beauty, wisdom, but in Jesus. I knew then that God was not done reaching out to me yet, He was rounding out the perfect lesson He had just for me.

Sometimes I think my problems are insignificant, no big deal. But identity is CORE. So God didn't mess around on this one. He appealed to my mind with Justin's message, then my spirit with the verses in 2 Corinthians, then my heart with the song. He unmistakably and specifically provided everything I needed to know, be and feel, based on truth. And that is the way He works - incredibly specifically and individually, loving His children uniquely.

Though it is so clear now, I am fairly sure I will need this lesson again. And again. And again. But that is okay because He knows it and is gentle and loving to give it each time I need it.

Available

I have missed the past couple days of my morning quiet time. I have been oversleeping, having a tough time getting up. I haven't been going to be later, I just can't get enough rest! True, I get more sleep, but I lack the peace I have when I have quiet time in the morning to read, pray and reflect.

Today was super hard getting out of bed and as I was about to, 20 minutes late, I got message of an elearning day (aka snow day!). I proceeded with my quiet time and read the daily bible verse:

Just ask and it will be given to you; seek after it and you will find. Continue to knock and the door will be opened for you. All who ask receive. Those who seek, find what they seek. And he who knocks, will have the door opened.
Matthew 7:7-8

You want a rest day? You got it! Thank you, Jesus!

Yet already my mind fills with all the obligations I have and what should be doing. Yet I know that God gave this day to me. Not that it's a gift with strings attached, but He knows what is best for me. He knows I need rest. My mind will function better, my soul will be more at peace and I’ll be more equipped to handle life if I do.

As I use the time to take a breath, I find myself reflecting. A great deal of my time (I hate this about myself!), I’m self centered. Oh sure, I try really hard to do acts of kindness, create programs and projects to benefit others. I love to give gifts and make things for others, but I’m so over committed and planned that I’m not AVAILABLE.
I’m not available for what God wants, or what others want, to listen to or notice others, to pause. In fact, I feel burdened and annoyed when others ask me to do what I had not already planned to do. "Isn't what I'm doing enough?" I think. "What more do you want from me?"

How can someone be so giving and selfish at the same time?

If I’m honest, I don’t like being available. I hate not having something to do. I'm one of those creative types. Tack on the classic type A overachiever mentality and it's a recipe for burnout. I like to control what I’m doing, to have a plan. When I have been on mission trips to the DR, they were such times of growth for me because I was 1. completely out of control of my schedule and my environment, and 2. I wasn’t necessarily using my personal talents, ie; doing what I felt comfortable doing.

I was just there. I was available. And that was enough.

Now to figure out how to translate this to my daily life. How do I learn to sit still and be available?

The God code

Frustrated with my body over the past number of years, I train and try about every diet you can imagine- low carb, WW, Noom, whole 30, calorie counting, high fiber, etc. with at best temporary and minimal results. The types of food I eat and amount of exercise seem to make no difference. I know it’s at least partially menopause related, I’ve come to realize it’s so much more.

Reading The Obesity Code and becoming aware of 2 biblical principles I have neglected to observe that can really help me achieve better health:

1. Fasting

2. Resting (both sleeping and reducing stress)

Both require discipline and surrendering control.

I find the science behind fasting and rest amazing: insulin’s effects that can only be broken by fasting, cortisol that increases exponentially when I continue to get far less sleep than I should, despite healthy diet and exercise. Exercise has a different role than I thought- not so much directly on the weight loss front, but stress relief. I need to look at it differently. My body will find a way to replace the calories I burn, but sitting on my butt when I’m in exhausted at the end of the day will not relieve my stress nor help me sleep better like exercise will.

My friend Scott Kirchmann just died. He was so strong, such a faithful Christian, always living fully. He was physically strong and trained. Even as his body broke down, he continued to speak words of strength over himself. He constantly offered to pray for others, all while he battled metastatic lung cancer for two years. He was 48.  

I will be 48 in a few days. How much time do I have left? Will I be strong? Will I train myself physically and be #mulestrong as he always said? Will I discipline myself mentally, and more importantly spiritually, to be strong? I spend too much effort trying to do things that seem worthwhile, making an impact on others, while I neglect to obey what God asks me to do for myself. This isn’t some false humility. I’m not talking about being selfless; there is plenty of self involved here, that’s the problem. I serve others in the way I believe I should. I refuse to or don’t get enough sleep because I’m not resting in and trusting God that I can be enough in the physical limits of this body, one that needs sleep. I do not treat it as a temple. I would rather make things and be creative and neglect the rest and physical exercise that I “don’t have time for.” 

I think I’m ready. I’m listening, God. You were right all along. 

Living, part 3

I wrote the last 2 blog posts and this one all at once, scheduling them to post one a day because it was going to be too long. I could never have written any of them until what happens next.

I have struggled doing reflection of this year. I couldn’t do Christmas cards. No year end posts. I couldn’t do it. I just didn’t want to think about it. I've had a great year in many ways. There are things to be celebrated. But I just couldn't reflect or reach out to anyone.

Now it’s 2020 and all I want to do is think about it. All I want to do is live in the year my grandma was alive again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went to make dinner last night and turned on the TV as always. I always watch Little House on the Prairie while I make dinner. It was my favorite show growing up. My grandma used to watch it every day, and it was a connection I had with her. I would think about her watching it at the same time and it seemed like we were together. After she died, it brought me comfort to watch it and think of her in heaven maybe watching it too.

Tonight Roseanne was on instead. Is this replacing Little House? I experienced a full on panic attack. Seriously. My stomach felt sick, my head clouded and I couldn’t breathe. I started crying, sobbing actually. I haven’t done that, even when she died. I’ve been sad. Somber sad. Retreating, muted me, but never sobbing and just feeling so much. They say grief surprises you, and they are right. Out of nowhere.

I think it just hit me: this year is a year without my grandma. I feel like the disciples must have felt. She was my guide, my role model, the one who always knew what to do and did it, who loved me and always saw the best in me, my sweet grandma. I feel lost without her here.

I prayed. I grabbed my bible and read Psalm 23. That comforted me some. The thought popped into my head: maybe she had a bible she wrote in. I texted my mom, who she said she didn't really write in it, but here is the page she last marked:

I love what she wrote on the front page: We'll never be happy unless we're holy. 

By the way, later I saw Little House is still on, it was just a New Year's Day thing. But someday the programming will change, and I need to be okay with that. I need a new connection to keep her ever present to me. Maybe that is reading my bible more and serving others more, just like she did. Maybe me living my life more like she did is how I can best maintain my connection with her and honor her memory.

With little Hannah :)

Grandma and Luisauny loved each other so much!

This year promises to be one filled with adventure. This summer we are doing the Grand Teton Half Marathon. I get to meet 2 of my favorite authors of Spanish novellas, who have supported me with my writing, and I'm over the moon about that. I will be in Europe, to which I have never traveled, for over a month. I will likely be teaching Spanish 1 in the fall, something I have never done and classroom management is my weak spot.

As I begin my day with quiet time, of reading my bible, of prayer and reflection, I will go not where I'm comfortable or where I want to go. I will rest in my Lord, just as my grandma did. I will remember what He did for me, just as my grandma did. One day, I long to hear "Well done, good and faithful servant," just as I know my grandma did.

Gram is with Gramps and Timothy now