Living, part 3

I wrote the last 2 blog posts and this one all at once, scheduling them to post one a day because it was going to be too long. I could never have written any of them until what happens next.

I have struggled doing reflection of this year. I couldn’t do Christmas cards. No year end posts. I couldn’t do it. I just didn’t want to think about it. I've had a great year in many ways. There are things to be celebrated. But I just couldn't reflect or reach out to anyone.

Now it’s 2020 and all I want to do is think about it. All I want to do is live in the year my grandma was alive again.

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I went to make dinner last night and turned on the TV as always. I always watch Little House on the Prairie while I make dinner. It was my favorite show growing up. My grandma used to watch it every day, and it was a connection I had with her. I would think about her watching it at the same time and it seemed like we were together. After she died, it brought me comfort to watch it and think of her in heaven maybe watching it too.

Tonight Roseanne was on instead. Is this replacing Little House? I experienced a full on panic attack. Seriously. My stomach felt sick, my head clouded and I couldn’t breathe. I started crying, sobbing actually. I haven’t done that, even when she died. I’ve been sad. Somber sad. Retreating, muted me, but never sobbing and just feeling so much. They say grief surprises you, and they are right. Out of nowhere.

I think it just hit me: this year is a year without my grandma. I feel like the disciples must have felt. She was my guide, my role model, the one who always knew what to do and did it, who loved me and always saw the best in me, my sweet grandma. I feel lost without her here.

I prayed. I grabbed my bible and read Psalm 23. That comforted me some. The thought popped into my head: maybe she had a bible she wrote in. I texted my mom, who she said she didn't really write in it, but here is the page she last marked:

I love what she wrote on the front page: We'll never be happy unless we're holy. 

By the way, later I saw Little House is still on, it was just a New Year's Day thing. But someday the programming will change, and I need to be okay with that. I need a new connection to keep her ever present to me. Maybe that is reading my bible more and serving others more, just like she did. Maybe me living my life more like she did is how I can best maintain my connection with her and honor her memory.

With little Hannah :)

Grandma and Luisauny loved each other so much!

This year promises to be one filled with adventure. This summer we are doing the Grand Teton Half Marathon. I get to meet 2 of my favorite authors of Spanish novellas, who have supported me with my writing, and I'm over the moon about that. I will be in Europe, to which I have never traveled, for over a month. I will likely be teaching Spanish 1 in the fall, something I have never done and classroom management is my weak spot.

As I begin my day with quiet time, of reading my bible, of prayer and reflection, I will go not where I'm comfortable or where I want to go. I will rest in my Lord, just as my grandma did. I will remember what He did for me, just as my grandma did. One day, I long to hear "Well done, good and faithful servant," just as I know my grandma did.

Gram is with Gramps and Timothy now