The God code

Frustrated with my body over the past number of years, I train and try about every diet you can imagine- low carb, WW, Noom, whole 30, calorie counting, high fiber, etc. with at best temporary and minimal results. The types of food I eat and amount of exercise seem to make no difference. I know it’s at least partially menopause related, I’ve come to realize it’s so much more.

Reading The Obesity Code and becoming aware of 2 biblical principles I have neglected to observe that can really help me achieve better health:

1. Fasting

2. Resting (both sleeping and reducing stress)

Both require discipline and surrendering control.

I find the science behind fasting and rest amazing: insulin’s effects that can only be broken by fasting, cortisol that increases exponentially when I continue to get far less sleep than I should, despite healthy diet and exercise. Exercise has a different role than I thought- not so much directly on the weight loss front, but stress relief. I need to look at it differently. My body will find a way to replace the calories I burn, but sitting on my butt when I’m in exhausted at the end of the day will not relieve my stress nor help me sleep better like exercise will.

My friend Scott Kirchmann just died. He was so strong, such a faithful Christian, always living fully. He was physically strong and trained. Even as his body broke down, he continued to speak words of strength over himself. He constantly offered to pray for others, all while he battled metastatic lung cancer for two years. He was 48.  

I will be 48 in a few days. How much time do I have left? Will I be strong? Will I train myself physically and be #mulestrong as he always said? Will I discipline myself mentally, and more importantly spiritually, to be strong? I spend too much effort trying to do things that seem worthwhile, making an impact on others, while I neglect to obey what God asks me to do for myself. This isn’t some false humility. I’m not talking about being selfless; there is plenty of self involved here, that’s the problem. I serve others in the way I believe I should. I refuse to or don’t get enough sleep because I’m not resting in and trusting God that I can be enough in the physical limits of this body, one that needs sleep. I do not treat it as a temple. I would rather make things and be creative and neglect the rest and physical exercise that I “don’t have time for.” 

I think I’m ready. I’m listening, God. You were right all along. 

Living, part 3

I wrote the last 2 blog posts and this one all at once, scheduling them to post one a day because it was going to be too long. I could never have written any of them until what happens next.

I have struggled doing reflection of this year. I couldn’t do Christmas cards. No year end posts. I couldn’t do it. I just didn’t want to think about it. I've had a great year in many ways. There are things to be celebrated. But I just couldn't reflect or reach out to anyone.

Now it’s 2020 and all I want to do is think about it. All I want to do is live in the year my grandma was alive again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went to make dinner last night and turned on the TV as always. I always watch Little House on the Prairie while I make dinner. It was my favorite show growing up. My grandma used to watch it every day, and it was a connection I had with her. I would think about her watching it at the same time and it seemed like we were together. After she died, it brought me comfort to watch it and think of her in heaven maybe watching it too.

Tonight Roseanne was on instead. Is this replacing Little House? I experienced a full on panic attack. Seriously. My stomach felt sick, my head clouded and I couldn’t breathe. I started crying, sobbing actually. I haven’t done that, even when she died. I’ve been sad. Somber sad. Retreating, muted me, but never sobbing and just feeling so much. They say grief surprises you, and they are right. Out of nowhere.

I think it just hit me: this year is a year without my grandma. I feel like the disciples must have felt. She was my guide, my role model, the one who always knew what to do and did it, who loved me and always saw the best in me, my sweet grandma. I feel lost without her here.

I prayed. I grabbed my bible and read Psalm 23. That comforted me some. The thought popped into my head: maybe she had a bible she wrote in. I texted my mom, who she said she didn't really write in it, but here is the page she last marked:

I love what she wrote on the front page: We'll never be happy unless we're holy. 

By the way, later I saw Little House is still on, it was just a New Year's Day thing. But someday the programming will change, and I need to be okay with that. I need a new connection to keep her ever present to me. Maybe that is reading my bible more and serving others more, just like she did. Maybe me living my life more like she did is how I can best maintain my connection with her and honor her memory.

With little Hannah :)

Grandma and Luisauny loved each other so much!

This year promises to be one filled with adventure. This summer we are doing the Grand Teton Half Marathon. I get to meet 2 of my favorite authors of Spanish novellas, who have supported me with my writing, and I'm over the moon about that. I will be in Europe, to which I have never traveled, for over a month. I will likely be teaching Spanish 1 in the fall, something I have never done and classroom management is my weak spot.

As I begin my day with quiet time, of reading my bible, of prayer and reflection, I will go not where I'm comfortable or where I want to go. I will rest in my Lord, just as my grandma did. I will remember what He did for me, just as my grandma did. One day, I long to hear "Well done, good and faithful servant," just as I know my grandma did.

Gram is with Gramps and Timothy now

Living, part 2

Just 1 week after Grandma's funeral, I had a huge event: Nebraska's state language conference (NILA) which was 3 hours away. I had to prepare a vendor table: both for Sociedad Honoraria Hispanica (SHH) to inform and recruit new sponsors, as well as to sell my book, Caras vemos. I was also presenting a session.

I missed 2 days of school the previous week, which made this week tougher. After school I had multiple SHH events, including teaching at 2 elementary schools, in addition to the preparations for NILA.

I had no time to mourn.

At the conference, technology was a disaster, but my session was good otherwise. I enjoyed the sessions I attended, but was quite busy at my table, selling books and chatting with people interested in SHH, as well as meeting sponsors I only knew online. I kept busy!

At the urging of friends, I went ahead and left my table to do the "bingo card," where you go to other vendor tables and have them sign your sheet so you are entered in a drawing. You win things like books, candy, mugs and such.

At the end of the day as they were calling the names of the winners they drew, they called my name. I didn't hear what it was for, but went up happily to accept. You can imagine my complete and utter shock when they told me it was for a 2 week study in Salamanca, Spain!!! I have never heard of anyone winning anything like that at all the conferences I've attended.

Here is my response via Facebook on October 13th:
"Yesterday I was shocked to win a scholarship to study for 2 weeks in Salamanca, Spain at NILA, thanks to the Spanish Embassy.

As it is starting to sink in, I’m realizing it wasn’t so random and I know it will be an experience I’ll never forget. My grandma had such an adventurous spirit, I know she would approve of me using the money she left me to pay for the flight and would be so excited for me. My mom Mary said “Theresa, Gram had a hand in this!” and I know in my heart she’s right.

Extra blessing: my husband Jeff and I will celebrate 25 years of marriage next summer and so we’re planning on him flying out at the end of my program and then having an amazing adventure in Europe, just he and I.

Thank you, Jesus (also the name of the man pictured who presented me the scholarship!) and thank you, Grandma! I will try to live out the rest of my days in wonder, excitement and to never be complacent, clinging only to the Lord for security and comfort.

Jesus, a kind man who works at the Spanish Embassy and presented me with this award

My young grandma whose adventurous heart never said no, but who always, always unselfishly was there for her family.

My grandpa was older than grandma by 12 years and he also was quite a homebody. After he passed, she well into her 70s went camping and hiking with us, never afraid to try new things! 

Black Hills, South Dakota in a chair lift up Terry Peak with my mom

Hiking like a pro - never too late to start!

Look at her go up the snowfield! Nothing stopping this lady!

Since she died, I have been anything but adventurous. I have retreated completely. I quit feeling things so much because I haven't had time. I don't have the emotional energy to really be present. I have shut the world out to try to find some quiet, but I have also pushed her to the back burner without realizing it. I haven't let myself think about it.

Jesus has called me to more, and my grandma would have wanted that too. More tomorrow.

Living, part 1

Part 1 of 3 

Dying is nothing to be afraid of. Come hear the story of how Grandma Lois gracefully showed us how to live, even as she died.

Saturday morning, September 28th, I can't remember if I called her or she called me, but mom said Gram wasn't doing well and they were going up there (to the nursing home she lived in the last few weeks of her life).
She was sure she was going to die. Mom and Jo Ann were there, but not Gene.

Grandma was distressed because Gene working at an event (sells silver polish at fairs) and she couldn't reach him (he doesn't have a cell phone). Thanks to the internet, I was able to talk to someone running the event who got a message to him. Unfortunately he couldn't just leave, as all the cars blocked him in.

I threw together some sandwiches and a cooler of drinks, as no one thinks of these things when you're in a rush. That was my role when my father-in-law died 3 years ago, but that is a story for another day. We made the 1 1/2 hour drive and prepared ourselves to see Grandma, as mom distressedly described her, not doing well.

As I sat with her, we talked of old times and she even laughed. Mom said she just came back to life. And that is how she was that weekend, as everyone she loved came to see her. The cousins came: Daniel and kids, Michael, Malissa and Emily, her sweet friend Mary Tremel who took care of her, Jilli, Jamie and their husbands and kids. 

She was so worried Gene wouldn't get there before she died, but he made it. She seemed to relax even more after that. Then she heard Tom was driving up from Texas, along with his wife Cheryl and daughter Elaina. She said:
Well, I guess I'll have to wait for Tom.
Then Tom got there Sunday morning and she heard Matt was coming later.
Well, I guess I'll have to wait for Matt.
Matt and Carson came and chatted with her. Then she heard David was coming.
Well, I guess I'll have to wait for David.
David came and went to dinner with us. Grandma went to the dining room, but didn't eat anything. She fell asleep. So, we went back to her room. She was ready.

That weekend, she got to see her inner circle, the ones left on this planet she wanted to see. She told each of us what we meant to her - that we were wonderful kids, grandkids, and that she loved us. At one point, she lifted her arms and just said it is all about Jesus, that she wanted each of us to know Him and accept His love. Her impromptu sermon was exactly what you would expect someone who lived the life she lived to say. She walked with Him, loved Him, served Him.

Anyone who spent any time with her knew a couple of things. She could barely see and even with her hearing aid in her good ear (she was deaf in the other), you had to shout and if there was a crowd of people or background noise, forget it. However, on and off, she got her senses back those last couple days. She clearly saw things across the room. A couple times my mom swore she heard perfectly without her hearing aid. My brother Matt spoke in a very low voice to my Grandma in the middle of a crowded room of people and she understood him completely.

Monday was quieter. Mom, Jo Ann, Gene were with her during the day and I arrived as quickly as I could after school. She was less lucid than normal, I believe one foot was in this world, one in the next. She talked a lot about pies. She loved to bake pies, and a lot of her life was spent doing just that. She would go on and on about pies, then snap out of it when a nurse came to check on her or if you asked her a question.

Mom and Jo Ann went home, as it had been a long day. Gene was around, visiting with some other residents he knew. I sat quietly with her, talking a little bit, but mostly just quiet. She seemed very peaceful. It was past dark. She turned to me:
"You go home. I believe I can rest now."
During the night, she died in her sleep, just as she hoped she would.

On Tuesday, October 1st during my plan period right after I found out Grandma died, I posted on Facebook:
"I’ve felt God’s presence strong and real my whole life, sometimes stronger than others because my faith is weak, and I just want someone physically there with me. I’ve often wondered what it must have been like for the disciples to actually be in the presence of Jesus. A human with frailties and limitations yet with unlimited ability to love. People flocked to Him not just because of what He did for them but because He was different. He embodied generosity, kindness, genuineness, humility and truth. 

Well, truthfully I feel just as lucky getting to spend the first 47 years of my life with a lady who is heaven’s true ambassador to this world. Everyone she met mattered to her and they knew it. At age 100, she remembered names, birthdays, people. I used to think it was because she had an uncanny ability, but truth is, she just chose to spend all her mental energy on others. She knew that focusing on and remembering people was more important than anything else. 

Now the world seems a darker place because there is no one like her, no one to take her place. I praise Jesus she went as she wished. She said goodbye to us all, she told us she loved us and blessed us. Last night when I was sitting with her she told me “you can go now. I believe I’m ready to rest now.” She’s finally with Gramps and Timothy now. She’s with Jesus. I’m so happy for her.

I truly meant every word and was (am) so happy for her to no longer suffer the hip pain she had, to no longer have trouble hearing or seeing, to no longer be separated from my grandpa who died 25 years before, just pure joy for her.

But living on this planet is just hard without her. 

We will never forget you, Grandma Lois Koesters

This is what your room looks like when you’re dying when you spent your whole life loving people

#homenow #iwannalivelikethat

Some more pix from that weekend:

The bedspread she made me when I was a kid

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"More social, less media"

I read a blog last week- I think it was Kelly Ferguson - that talked about focus. That is something I struggle with, as teachers aren’t really allowed to do that. We have all the balls in the air and if we focus on one, the rest fall down. Yet we do have to find a way to put some of the balls down and limit the distractions.

That blog got me thinking... and out of no where, into my head popped these four words:

“more social, less media”

Honestly, I wasn’t even sure what it meant, but it resonated. I told that inner voice - “nice word play, I’ll think about it.”

Well I’ve been thinking about it for a week and now it’s 2019 and the new year is here. I’ve prayed about it, meditated on it, slept on it, and it’s not going away. This is it- we have a winner!

So... what does it mean? Well, I’m a believer, so while I may make some plans, I know God is going to determine how they all turn out. I’ll find out as I go exactly where this takes me, but for now, here’s the vibe I’m getting:

1. Less time on social media
Obvious, right? Put limits on the time spent on Facebook, Twitter. I’m using “screentime” on my iphone. This is tough because this is a large part of the professional development I do, but I think it needs to be done. I honestly feel like I don’t know what’s happening if I’m off Facebook. It has become where I find out current events, what is up with my family and friends. However, there is also mindless scrolling and reading pointless articles. Worse than that - especially after being on Twitter - I find myself feeling “less than.” I find myself seeking affirmation, then feeling unvalued when I don’t get it and others seem to. Really, everyone’s tweeting but who is listening?

Intentional limits are necessary.

2. Less technology period
It just takes so much time to learn about every new innovation, which is my thing. I get caught up in the excitement and creating a fun lesson. I want everything to be perfect, but that isn’t possible in a balanced life. If I’m being honest, while I’ve connected with many using technology, it has negatively affected my relationships with those closest to me.

I’ve gained almost 20 lbs. since the summer. I leave for school at 6:30am and get home 5-7pm. Then, I will even work at home. This is not sustainable. Yes, I’m very proud of what I’ve accomplished this semester, but I need to be okay with less.

3. Face time over screen time
I've worked hard at building community in my classroom - kids interacting, putting the phones away, but how about my life? When I'm with my husband or daughter, I need to put my phone and computer away.

4. Listen more
There are people who process and take things in carefully before taking a step. I am not one of those people. When I'm listening or reading something, it usually sparks an idea, then another, then another and I'm gone - I'm mentally planning, if not actually doing something else. There is a time for that, but it also prevents me from being as good a listener as I should be.

Be still.

When I was in the Dominican Republic on mission trips, we had 30 minutes of quiet time. You read your bible, prayed, walked, only it had to be quiet. I miss that. I have it some days, but need it every day. Listen to His voice.

I also need to listen to those around me. To what they are actually saying, try to get rid of my filters and read them, where they are coming from.

5. Retreat, self care
It seems counterintuitive that stepping away from people and focusing on taking care of me is part of a goal of being more social.

"put on your oxygen mask first"
If I eat unhealthy food, in excess, don't exercise, don't sleep enough, don't have quiet time for spiritual renewal daily (to each of these, I must raise my hand: guilty!), I will NEVER be as enjoyable to be around, nor as kind, compassionate or patient, nor as genuinely concerned for them as I am called to be. I may feel annoyed, resentful, angry or just overwhelmed being around them because I'm functioning at reduced capacity.

I joined Weight Watchers and am working on adding physical activity almost daily. I will reinstate quiet time first thing in the morning.

****
This is where I'm feeling led today. I will resist my perfectionistic nature and walk intentionally forward with the mantra "more social, less media" and see where the Lord takes me.

How about you? What is your mantra for 2019?

Persecuted?

Them vs. me
There are 2 kinds of Christians, it seems. Those who are being persecuted and those who are not. Ironically, many times those who think they are, aren't and those who think they aren't, are. Even more ironically, they aren't even always different people. Sometimes we are one, sometimes the other.

Persecuted
Let me clarify that we are at war against the evil one. We must be on our guard against Satan's evil plans:

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. - Ephesians 6:10-11

Furthermore, Jesus tells us that if we are of him, we will be persecuted just like him in Matthew 24:9 and John 15:20. Paul even tells Timothy in 2 Tim 3:12 that everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ will be persecuted.

You don't have to search very far to find verse after verse telling us that we as followers of Christ will suffer and face persecution.

What is persecution?
However, I think we need to be awfully careful about what we classify as "persecution." For example, am I persecuted when....

• people take bible verses out of context or misquote the bible altogether?
• Christmas break is called "winter break," we have school on Good Friday, people say "Happy Holidays," and there is no prayer at graduation? 
• I'm not allowed to talk about my faith with students/at my job?
• gay marriage is legalized?
• a Christian adoption/family service agency loses government funding for teaching about Jesus or placing children in only traditional homes?
• people say God is evil, dead or just doesn't care about us?

So are these things examples of persecuting Christians? I can tell you one thing for sure: if we Christians see others not living by the moral standards of the bible as an attack on us, we will respond in a very un-Christlike manner. We will come out swinging. We will build a case and prepare to either mentally beat others into submission to our viewpoint or to show them what fools they are for disagreeing with us. And then something really scary starts to happen: we think how sorry they'll be one day, when they realize how wrong they were, but it's too late, and we take comfort in that thought.

Who is our enemy?
It is equal parts hard and necessary to remember who our enemy is. Our enemy is not the jerk who cuts us off in traffic, it's not our boss who disrespects our boundaries and doesn't listen to us, and it's not even the identity thief or the terrorist. Our enemy is Satan. Also from Ephesians 6 is verse 12:

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Satan is the one who blinds the eyes of unbelievers (2 Corinthians 4:4). They are his prey, just as we are. Let's view unbelievers as Jesus does. Paul tells us Jesus died for us all, not once we got our heart and beliefs right, but when we were still sinners (Romans 5:8). Peter reveals God's heart for us yet again in 2 Peter 3:9, telling us how God doesn't want anyone to perish.

If we see other humans as the enemy, how likely are we to share the gospel with them? Do our hearts break for the lost or are we glad those evil-doers won't be in heaven with us? Have we forgotten how lost we would be without Jesus' sacrifice?

It's easy to give the "Sunday school answer" when it's just the guy who cut us off in traffic. Not so much with someone who hurt us more permanently, like an unfaithful spouse, or even more "unforgivable" sins, like the murderer or terrorist.

However, those who live at odds with God are in Satan's clutches and need saving. We are no better, for we know that we all fall short without his saving grace (Romans 3:23).

Comfort zone
Christians becoming offended at unbelievers' rejection of the Christian lifestyle and values is indicative not of faithfulness, but complacency. We want others to think like we do, to accept our values. We want it to be easy to follow Christ and for us to get ahead in this world by doing so. We want Christians to be viewed as "the good guys" and Christianity to be the popular choice.

Is that so wrong? Isn't it natural to want others to believe what we do and think like we do? It's for their own good, right? Sure. But don't mistake this natural, human desire as God's will. Jesus calls us out of our comfort zone. We are never told to seek safety and security, rather we are told of the persecution we'll experience and how it will make us better. It is because of our physical weakness and acceptance of Jesus' death that we have eternal life (2 Corinthians 4:7-12 and 2 Corinthians 12:10). We shouldn't be surprised when we suffer for Christ because it is then that we are blessed (1 Peter 4:12-14), in fact, suffering shapes our character and gives us hope (Romans 5:3-5).

So are we persecuted or victorious? Yes!
We are surely persecuted, but no matter what we suffer or could afflict us, we more than overcome them because of the wonderful love of Christ, which no one or nothing can take away (Romans 8:35-39). What beautiful comfort, supreme joy! It seems when we are truly persecuted, we cling to His love and are better conduits of the Spirit, sharing His love with those around us. When we empty ourselves and are filled with him, that's when we are strong! But first we have to empty ourselves!

When I find myself getting annoyed and bemoaning unbelievers not acting like I think they ought to, I am falling into a trap. I am not here to make the world easier for myself by getting others to live right. I am here to share the GOOD NEWS, to shine in the darkness, to be salt and light.

I pray the Lord has convicted you as much as he has me about this. My ugly, unforgiving heart can't do this, that's for sure. I want those who hurt others to pay. I want this to be a Christian nation, and I don't want suffering or persecution, even though I know it will strengthen me and make me a better person. Let's together pray for God to take our defensive, complacent hearts and fill them with His Spirit, ready to share with the lost!