Living, part 2

Just 1 week after Grandma's funeral, I had a huge event: Nebraska's state language conference (NILA) which was 3 hours away. I had to prepare a vendor table: both for Sociedad Honoraria Hispanica (SHH) to inform and recruit new sponsors, as well as to sell my book, Caras vemos. I was also presenting a session.

I missed 2 days of school the previous week, which made this week tougher. After school I had multiple SHH events, including teaching at 2 elementary schools, in addition to the preparations for NILA.

I had no time to mourn.

At the conference, technology was a disaster, but my session was good otherwise. I enjoyed the sessions I attended, but was quite busy at my table, selling books and chatting with people interested in SHH, as well as meeting sponsors I only knew online. I kept busy!

At the urging of friends, I went ahead and left my table to do the "bingo card," where you go to other vendor tables and have them sign your sheet so you are entered in a drawing. You win things like books, candy, mugs and such.

At the end of the day as they were calling the names of the winners they drew, they called my name. I didn't hear what it was for, but went up happily to accept. You can imagine my complete and utter shock when they told me it was for a 2 week study in Salamanca, Spain!!! I have never heard of anyone winning anything like that at all the conferences I've attended.

Here is my response via Facebook on October 13th:
"Yesterday I was shocked to win a scholarship to study for 2 weeks in Salamanca, Spain at NILA, thanks to the Spanish Embassy.

As it is starting to sink in, I’m realizing it wasn’t so random and I know it will be an experience I’ll never forget. My grandma had such an adventurous spirit, I know she would approve of me using the money she left me to pay for the flight and would be so excited for me. My mom Mary said “Theresa, Gram had a hand in this!” and I know in my heart she’s right.

Extra blessing: my husband Jeff and I will celebrate 25 years of marriage next summer and so we’re planning on him flying out at the end of my program and then having an amazing adventure in Europe, just he and I.

Thank you, Jesus (also the name of the man pictured who presented me the scholarship!) and thank you, Grandma! I will try to live out the rest of my days in wonder, excitement and to never be complacent, clinging only to the Lord for security and comfort.

Jesus, a kind man who works at the Spanish Embassy and presented me with this award

My young grandma whose adventurous heart never said no, but who always, always unselfishly was there for her family.

My grandpa was older than grandma by 12 years and he also was quite a homebody. After he passed, she well into her 70s went camping and hiking with us, never afraid to try new things! 

Black Hills, South Dakota in a chair lift up Terry Peak with my mom

Hiking like a pro - never too late to start!

Look at her go up the snowfield! Nothing stopping this lady!

Since she died, I have been anything but adventurous. I have retreated completely. I quit feeling things so much because I haven't had time. I don't have the emotional energy to really be present. I have shut the world out to try to find some quiet, but I have also pushed her to the back burner without realizing it. I haven't let myself think about it.

Jesus has called me to more, and my grandma would have wanted that too. More tomorrow.

Living, part 1

Part 1 of 3 

Dying is nothing to be afraid of. Come hear the story of how Grandma Lois gracefully showed us how to live, even as she died.

Saturday morning, September 28th, I can't remember if I called her or she called me, but mom said Gram wasn't doing well and they were going up there (to the nursing home she lived in the last few weeks of her life).
She was sure she was going to die. Mom and Jo Ann were there, but not Gene.

Grandma was distressed because Gene working at an event (sells silver polish at fairs) and she couldn't reach him (he doesn't have a cell phone). Thanks to the internet, I was able to talk to someone running the event who got a message to him. Unfortunately he couldn't just leave, as all the cars blocked him in.

I threw together some sandwiches and a cooler of drinks, as no one thinks of these things when you're in a rush. That was my role when my father-in-law died 3 years ago, but that is a story for another day. We made the 1 1/2 hour drive and prepared ourselves to see Grandma, as mom distressedly described her, not doing well.

As I sat with her, we talked of old times and she even laughed. Mom said she just came back to life. And that is how she was that weekend, as everyone she loved came to see her. The cousins came: Daniel and kids, Michael, Malissa and Emily, her sweet friend Mary Tremel who took care of her, Jilli, Jamie and their husbands and kids. 

She was so worried Gene wouldn't get there before she died, but he made it. She seemed to relax even more after that. Then she heard Tom was driving up from Texas, along with his wife Cheryl and daughter Elaina. She said:
Well, I guess I'll have to wait for Tom.
Then Tom got there Sunday morning and she heard Matt was coming later.
Well, I guess I'll have to wait for Matt.
Matt and Carson came and chatted with her. Then she heard David was coming.
Well, I guess I'll have to wait for David.
David came and went to dinner with us. Grandma went to the dining room, but didn't eat anything. She fell asleep. So, we went back to her room. She was ready.

That weekend, she got to see her inner circle, the ones left on this planet she wanted to see. She told each of us what we meant to her - that we were wonderful kids, grandkids, and that she loved us. At one point, she lifted her arms and just said it is all about Jesus, that she wanted each of us to know Him and accept His love. Her impromptu sermon was exactly what you would expect someone who lived the life she lived to say. She walked with Him, loved Him, served Him.

Anyone who spent any time with her knew a couple of things. She could barely see and even with her hearing aid in her good ear (she was deaf in the other), you had to shout and if there was a crowd of people or background noise, forget it. However, on and off, she got her senses back those last couple days. She clearly saw things across the room. A couple times my mom swore she heard perfectly without her hearing aid. My brother Matt spoke in a very low voice to my Grandma in the middle of a crowded room of people and she understood him completely.

Monday was quieter. Mom, Jo Ann, Gene were with her during the day and I arrived as quickly as I could after school. She was less lucid than normal, I believe one foot was in this world, one in the next. She talked a lot about pies. She loved to bake pies, and a lot of her life was spent doing just that. She would go on and on about pies, then snap out of it when a nurse came to check on her or if you asked her a question.

Mom and Jo Ann went home, as it had been a long day. Gene was around, visiting with some other residents he knew. I sat quietly with her, talking a little bit, but mostly just quiet. She seemed very peaceful. It was past dark. She turned to me:
"You go home. I believe I can rest now."
During the night, she died in her sleep, just as she hoped she would.

On Tuesday, October 1st during my plan period right after I found out Grandma died, I posted on Facebook:
"I’ve felt God’s presence strong and real my whole life, sometimes stronger than others because my faith is weak, and I just want someone physically there with me. I’ve often wondered what it must have been like for the disciples to actually be in the presence of Jesus. A human with frailties and limitations yet with unlimited ability to love. People flocked to Him not just because of what He did for them but because He was different. He embodied generosity, kindness, genuineness, humility and truth. 

Well, truthfully I feel just as lucky getting to spend the first 47 years of my life with a lady who is heaven’s true ambassador to this world. Everyone she met mattered to her and they knew it. At age 100, she remembered names, birthdays, people. I used to think it was because she had an uncanny ability, but truth is, she just chose to spend all her mental energy on others. She knew that focusing on and remembering people was more important than anything else. 

Now the world seems a darker place because there is no one like her, no one to take her place. I praise Jesus she went as she wished. She said goodbye to us all, she told us she loved us and blessed us. Last night when I was sitting with her she told me “you can go now. I believe I’m ready to rest now.” She’s finally with Gramps and Timothy now. She’s with Jesus. I’m so happy for her.

I truly meant every word and was (am) so happy for her to no longer suffer the hip pain she had, to no longer have trouble hearing or seeing, to no longer be separated from my grandpa who died 25 years before, just pure joy for her.

But living on this planet is just hard without her. 

We will never forget you, Grandma Lois Koesters

This is what your room looks like when you’re dying when you spent your whole life loving people

#homenow #iwannalivelikethat

Some more pix from that weekend:

The bedspread she made me when I was a kid

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"More social, less media"

I read a blog last week- I think it was Kelly Ferguson - that talked about focus. That is something I struggle with, as teachers aren’t really allowed to do that. We have all the balls in the air and if we focus on one, the rest fall down. Yet we do have to find a way to put some of the balls down and limit the distractions.

That blog got me thinking... and out of no where, into my head popped these four words:

“more social, less media”

Honestly, I wasn’t even sure what it meant, but it resonated. I told that inner voice - “nice word play, I’ll think about it.”

Well I’ve been thinking about it for a week and now it’s 2019 and the new year is here. I’ve prayed about it, meditated on it, slept on it, and it’s not going away. This is it- we have a winner!

So... what does it mean? Well, I’m a believer, so while I may make some plans, I know God is going to determine how they all turn out. I’ll find out as I go exactly where this takes me, but for now, here’s the vibe I’m getting:

1. Less time on social media
Obvious, right? Put limits on the time spent on Facebook, Twitter. I’m using “screentime” on my iphone. This is tough because this is a large part of the professional development I do, but I think it needs to be done. I honestly feel like I don’t know what’s happening if I’m off Facebook. It has become where I find out current events, what is up with my family and friends. However, there is also mindless scrolling and reading pointless articles. Worse than that - especially after being on Twitter - I find myself feeling “less than.” I find myself seeking affirmation, then feeling unvalued when I don’t get it and others seem to. Really, everyone’s tweeting but who is listening?

Intentional limits are necessary.

2. Less technology period
It just takes so much time to learn about every new innovation, which is my thing. I get caught up in the excitement and creating a fun lesson. I want everything to be perfect, but that isn’t possible in a balanced life. If I’m being honest, while I’ve connected with many using technology, it has negatively affected my relationships with those closest to me.

I’ve gained almost 20 lbs. since the summer. I leave for school at 6:30am and get home 5-7pm. Then, I will even work at home. This is not sustainable. Yes, I’m very proud of what I’ve accomplished this semester, but I need to be okay with less.

3. Face time over screen time
I've worked hard at building community in my classroom - kids interacting, putting the phones away, but how about my life? When I'm with my husband or daughter, I need to put my phone and computer away.

4. Listen more
There are people who process and take things in carefully before taking a step. I am not one of those people. When I'm listening or reading something, it usually sparks an idea, then another, then another and I'm gone - I'm mentally planning, if not actually doing something else. There is a time for that, but it also prevents me from being as good a listener as I should be.

Be still.

When I was in the Dominican Republic on mission trips, we had 30 minutes of quiet time. You read your bible, prayed, walked, only it had to be quiet. I miss that. I have it some days, but need it every day. Listen to His voice.

I also need to listen to those around me. To what they are actually saying, try to get rid of my filters and read them, where they are coming from.

5. Retreat, self care
It seems counterintuitive that stepping away from people and focusing on taking care of me is part of a goal of being more social.

"put on your oxygen mask first"
If I eat unhealthy food, in excess, don't exercise, don't sleep enough, don't have quiet time for spiritual renewal daily (to each of these, I must raise my hand: guilty!), I will NEVER be as enjoyable to be around, nor as kind, compassionate or patient, nor as genuinely concerned for them as I am called to be. I may feel annoyed, resentful, angry or just overwhelmed being around them because I'm functioning at reduced capacity.

I joined Weight Watchers and am working on adding physical activity almost daily. I will reinstate quiet time first thing in the morning.

****
This is where I'm feeling led today. I will resist my perfectionistic nature and walk intentionally forward with the mantra "more social, less media" and see where the Lord takes me.

How about you? What is your mantra for 2019?

Persecuted?

Them vs. me
There are 2 kinds of Christians, it seems. Those who are being persecuted and those who are not. Ironically, many times those who think they are, aren't and those who think they aren't, are. Even more ironically, they aren't even always different people. Sometimes we are one, sometimes the other.

Persecuted
Let me clarify that we are at war against the evil one. We must be on our guard against Satan's evil plans:

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. - Ephesians 6:10-11

Furthermore, Jesus tells us that if we are of him, we will be persecuted just like him in Matthew 24:9 and John 15:20. Paul even tells Timothy in 2 Tim 3:12 that everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ will be persecuted.

You don't have to search very far to find verse after verse telling us that we as followers of Christ will suffer and face persecution.

What is persecution?
However, I think we need to be awfully careful about what we classify as "persecution." For example, am I persecuted when....

• people take bible verses out of context or misquote the bible altogether?
• Christmas break is called "winter break," we have school on Good Friday, people say "Happy Holidays," and there is no prayer at graduation? 
• I'm not allowed to talk about my faith with students/at my job?
• gay marriage is legalized?
• a Christian adoption/family service agency loses government funding for teaching about Jesus or placing children in only traditional homes?
• people say God is evil, dead or just doesn't care about us?

So are these things examples of persecuting Christians? I can tell you one thing for sure: if we Christians see others not living by the moral standards of the bible as an attack on us, we will respond in a very un-Christlike manner. We will come out swinging. We will build a case and prepare to either mentally beat others into submission to our viewpoint or to show them what fools they are for disagreeing with us. And then something really scary starts to happen: we think how sorry they'll be one day, when they realize how wrong they were, but it's too late, and we take comfort in that thought.

Who is our enemy?
It is equal parts hard and necessary to remember who our enemy is. Our enemy is not the jerk who cuts us off in traffic, it's not our boss who disrespects our boundaries and doesn't listen to us, and it's not even the identity thief or the terrorist. Our enemy is Satan. Also from Ephesians 6 is verse 12:

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Satan is the one who blinds the eyes of unbelievers (2 Corinthians 4:4). They are his prey, just as we are. Let's view unbelievers as Jesus does. Paul tells us Jesus died for us all, not once we got our heart and beliefs right, but when we were still sinners (Romans 5:8). Peter reveals God's heart for us yet again in 2 Peter 3:9, telling us how God doesn't want anyone to perish.

If we see other humans as the enemy, how likely are we to share the gospel with them? Do our hearts break for the lost or are we glad those evil-doers won't be in heaven with us? Have we forgotten how lost we would be without Jesus' sacrifice?

It's easy to give the "Sunday school answer" when it's just the guy who cut us off in traffic. Not so much with someone who hurt us more permanently, like an unfaithful spouse, or even more "unforgivable" sins, like the murderer or terrorist.

However, those who live at odds with God are in Satan's clutches and need saving. We are no better, for we know that we all fall short without his saving grace (Romans 3:23).

Comfort zone
Christians becoming offended at unbelievers' rejection of the Christian lifestyle and values is indicative not of faithfulness, but complacency. We want others to think like we do, to accept our values. We want it to be easy to follow Christ and for us to get ahead in this world by doing so. We want Christians to be viewed as "the good guys" and Christianity to be the popular choice.

Is that so wrong? Isn't it natural to want others to believe what we do and think like we do? It's for their own good, right? Sure. But don't mistake this natural, human desire as God's will. Jesus calls us out of our comfort zone. We are never told to seek safety and security, rather we are told of the persecution we'll experience and how it will make us better. It is because of our physical weakness and acceptance of Jesus' death that we have eternal life (2 Corinthians 4:7-12 and 2 Corinthians 12:10). We shouldn't be surprised when we suffer for Christ because it is then that we are blessed (1 Peter 4:12-14), in fact, suffering shapes our character and gives us hope (Romans 5:3-5).

So are we persecuted or victorious? Yes!
We are surely persecuted, but no matter what we suffer or could afflict us, we more than overcome them because of the wonderful love of Christ, which no one or nothing can take away (Romans 8:35-39). What beautiful comfort, supreme joy! It seems when we are truly persecuted, we cling to His love and are better conduits of the Spirit, sharing His love with those around us. When we empty ourselves and are filled with him, that's when we are strong! But first we have to empty ourselves!

When I find myself getting annoyed and bemoaning unbelievers not acting like I think they ought to, I am falling into a trap. I am not here to make the world easier for myself by getting others to live right. I am here to share the GOOD NEWS, to shine in the darkness, to be salt and light.

I pray the Lord has convicted you as much as he has me about this. My ugly, unforgiving heart can't do this, that's for sure. I want those who hurt others to pay. I want this to be a Christian nation, and I don't want suffering or persecution, even though I know it will strengthen me and make me a better person. Let's together pray for God to take our defensive, complacent hearts and fill them with His Spirit, ready to share with the lost!

You want to know what I was thinking? The answer probably won't surprise you...

This week an overly candid student  was telling me how his dad constantly bemoans why anyone would become a teacher. "No one would ever CHOOSE to be a teacher! No one would want to get up evey day and have to deal with a bunch of lazy kids who don't care." 

Instead of feeling angry or annoyed, it made me feel sad for him. I don't think even I realized what was about to be unleashed. I began:

Did you know that after quitting my job as a bilingual rep at Mutual of Omaha, going back to school, then starting my teaching career it was years before I caught up to my previous salary? I could interpret or translate and make much more money and work far less. In fact, looking back at last week, I put in close to 70 hours and neither my boss nor my students noticed. I wish I could say that was atypical. 

Yet I wouldn't have it any other way. My talent is Spanish and I love people- actually, I love teens! Seriously! They have the nerve to believe they can change the world, that things don't have to be the way they always have been. Their idealism is something hard to find in adults. They get excited about making a difference- about defending the weak, feeding the hungry, standing up for what they believe. Their tolerance for hypocrisy is zero. They want to know why, they crave meaning and to have a purpose. Me too. 

You spend the majority of your day all your life at your job. For what? Just to stay alive, maybe get a few toys. What else could I (personally) do that would be more fulfilling? I share my passion for the Spanish language and cultures daily, I equip kids and get them outside their comfort zones, open up new perspectives to them. 

Sometimes it falls on less than fertile ground. But you know what? Sometimes "those" kids are my favorite because they're the ones who change the most. They thought Spanish was boring, not for them, they'd never use it- and then they come back and tell me thank you, that I had planted a seed. Sometimes the ones who were the least motivated end up pursuing Spanish later on, and I remember that when I'm teaching them now. 

Teaching is exhausting, frustrating at times, and often misunderstood but at the end of the day, I know there is nothing I would do instead. I invest not in material things, but in the next generation.

His response, "Wow! I wish I would have recorded that so I could play it for my dad!" Me too, kid. Me too.

But how do I REALLY know God exists?

A few weeks ago I found myself defending God's existence a lot, sharing my faith with those in doubt - answering questions like, "how do you know God even exists?," "What if it's all a lie?" "You'll never really know which of us is right until we die anyway." Well, most of them were questions.

I testified of my Heavenly Father who cares personally for me, who has on a great number of occasions unmistakably made His presence known to me. I can't just point to one incident, there have been so many - He changed my mind about something, put a voice in my head, made things fall into place, acted or spoke through another person, created a natural phenomenon, gave me a dream or just filled my spirit or changed my heart. I believe in the Bible and that its consistency and accuracy are undeniable to the one who comes to seriously examine it with an open mind and heart. I always point to the scriptures; they contain my story too. They are how I know these experiences are from God.

I've known God my whole life. I grew up knowing He was there and cared for me. I've prayed to Him and known He was always watching me. Throughout life, I have continued to walk with Him.

Yet that night as I lie in my bed, a small doubt crept in my heart. How DO I know He's real, that He really cares for me? 

Even at the time, I was uncomfortable admitting doubt. I guess it's like how we need to hear "I love you" from those we care for most more than just once. It feels good to hear it, it's reassuring, it fills us.

I prayed, "Lord, would you give me a sign?" I was just feeling empty, wanting to really know He was there and loved me. I added, "I don't need it, I know You're there, but it would be nice."

I felt a little more peaceful and remained awake, but not really thinking about it anymore. Then I realized there was a hand on my head, slightly caressing my hair, but mostly just warm and gently resting there. I closed my eyes for a moment, feeling grateful for the comfort of the loving touch. The hand lifted and I rolled over, expecting to see Jeff's outstretched arm, but there were his feet! His arms were above his head under his pillow as he lie there asleep.

I should mention our ceiling fan is above the foot of the bed and I'm always hot, so I usually sleep with my head at that end and Jeff's feet get hot, so he is the opposite.

As the realization kicked in that God Himself had given me this sweet gesture of His love, I was overcome with joy and gratitude. Did I need that? I mean, would I have honestly doubted Him or His love for me? Of course not, but that is the kind of Heavenly Father I have. As though giving His Son for my eternal salvation weren't enough, He showers love down on this imperfect, weak child of His, never accusing but just loving me. I can't comprehend it, but I am grateful.

I dare you to do the same. I don't mean put Him to the test like a magic trick, but just really trust Him, love Him, reach out to Him. Don't be surprised that He's there. Don't be shocked when He fills your life with His presence or does something precious just to show you He loves you. Just you wait and see how beautiful life can be with the One who loves you deeply and perfectly!

"Taste and see that the Lord is good, 
blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him."
                                                -Psalm 34:8