Turning point

Ok, so this is it. I'm tired of empty resolutions. I repent, I'm turning around. Little background...

On February 1, 2008, I decided to do EnLighten Nebraska, exercising and eating healthy. I lost 40 lbs., got in shape and broke the chains of food addiction, I felt so amazing. It wasn't just the way I looked, although obviously that was a part of it. I kept picking out clothes that were too big, would see myself in the mirror and not recognize myself. I exercised every day and barely ate junk or drank anything but water. I felt so incredibly free of the pull I once felt.

Now the pounds are creeping back, as they have been for some time now, and my exercise habits are barely there. Worst of all, my eating is terrible. I don't gorge myself, but I eat junk and drink lots of coffee and DC. I don't lose control like I used to, eating almost to punish myself. I just don't say "no" enough. It's kind of like how we tell the kids they have to have a plan of how they will respond to temptation (drugs, sex, etc.) or they'll fall. I have no plan, I just give in to every food temptation that comes my way.

I know I'd feel better if I ate better and resisted, yet in it all goes - donuts, chocolate, caffeine, you name it. I will go for a walk, a bike ride, even Zumba, but a few times a week at best. Worst of all, every time I do something rigorous that's just fun, especially Zumba, I have bladder issues. It's the same as it was at first - right after the surgery, even though it's been over a year. Also, I still struggle with not having the energy I used to in the pre-menopause days. On the bright side, I don't have near the hot flashes anymore!

I have waivered back and forth between getting on some sort of "plan" or "routine," thinking that I would start to trust in that and become obsessed with diet, etc. instead of having a lasting balance. I want to focus on worshipping God instead of my body. I know spiritual health is so closely tied to physical health too, yet I can't seem to tame my physically unhealthy habits and treat my body as His temple instead of a dumping grounds. I feel now sure that for me (and maybe everyone), some structure or at least a specific committment is exactly what I need. I need a plan to resist temptation, to help motivate me when I'm feeling too tired to exercise.

God created my body as it is, perfect. I don't hate it. I hate what I do to it and how it looks as a result of my disobedience to Him. I am ready to again find the balance I knew before. I feel spiritually so much closer to Him than I was before, which is maybe why this is so hard to admit and overcome. I must admit the disappointment I have been in this area in order to move forward in the right direction.

I have been reluctant to set up a rules system/schedule, because once I realized my eating is a spiritual problem, I felt like the diets were just another way to get me obsessed with food and to create a new idol. I am growing and reconciling these two seemingly conflicting perspectives - getting help from Him or help from earthly solutions. I want to let Him meet my needs so I don't even feel the pull of food or anything else, and replacing it with a diet or plan is just substituting. However, that's not exactly what I'm doing. I will look to Him to meet my needs, but also have an immediate plan to help me avoid temptation of falling into my old ways. Maybe this is just like how we are to obey even when we don't "feel" it, but often when we obey He provides the will, the feeling afterwards.

Ok, so "the plan"...

1. I will exercise regularly, which for now, will be: jumping rope 200 times 3x/wk, walking 2-3x/wk and Zumba 1-2x/wk
2. I will drink water and nothing but for the next week; after that, I will have 1 cup of coffee OR a DC per day
3. I will follow what I did when I first lost the weight- eat all the foods I should before eating junk- 5 veggies, 2-3 fruits, 2 dairy, protein, fiber-rich carbs

There it is. I'm already wondering if I'm going to be sorry. When I walk with my mom on Monday, I'm going to want a DC afterwards. But, if it were easy, I wouldn't be in the predicament I'm in right now. The pleasure I get from these "creature comforts" is less than my desire to please Him and free myself of the enslavement my body has to these things. Praise Him for giving me this resolve and for helping me to rise above!