Hard to write

When I was driving to school this morning, I had a moment of clarity. You know, one of those realizations of what makes you tick that you can't believe you didn't already know? I know as a child I always had self-esteem problems, always thought I was fat and really lacked confidence. I thought I had grown beyond that, that I had more self-confidence, but now I'm wondering how much that still affects me.

I am a workaholic, no denying it. I love my job, and enjoy taking pride in my work. However, I'm starting to feel like a slave, like it's partly out of a need to be the most hard-working and best at what I do or else I feel like a failure. The thought horrifies my of anyone thinking I'm lazy, so I almost never let myself rest. This morning I started to wonder what it would be like if I could only stop caring what other people think. Again with the boundaries issues - I don't know why it's so hard for me to just say no and realize it's okay to take care of myself sometimes.

This morning revelation came after the previous day I was talking with a student who wanted me to help him learn to salsa dance. I have had lessons (Spanish Club, Hispanic friends), and I can try to mimic the movements, but I don't have the confidence to pull it off - I just feel ridiculous. That's it, really. I'm ashamed to admit it because it's like I'm spitting on the gifts God has given me, but I just lack self-confidence. I trust people and am pretty open right away, yet on another level, if you make me feel like I'm putting you out or care too much, I'm gone. I find myself going out of my way to push and run the opposite direction. For example, when I was 20 (full-time college student), my mom suggested that the house was getting a little full (Jilli was a baby, Jamie was 7 and Matt was 18). Two weeks later, I had my own apartment!

I thought I was over that, but I'm realizing that those instincts are still buried in there, ready to pop out at any time. I just wonder what is the worst that could happen if I let myself go. I honestly try, but I just can't. I don't know how to overcome my own emotions. Well, I never made the connection about my workaholic tendencies before, so I hope this is a new development, a step in the right direction. I'm definitely a work in progress!