En route, part 1

This time I was much less disciplined about journaling. Sometimes I wrote in Spanish, others in English. Last time I always did in Spanish, and this time I just went with whatever felt easier which was about half and half. Also, I jotted down bits here and there. I will need to fill in the gaps with my memory (this could be trouble, folks!).

Here we go!

Monday, July 8, 2015
This time the whole group arrived and left at almost the exact same time and we would land in Miami at 5:30pm. Our group would connect in Chicago and the other in Dallas.

We saw Nigel, another kid from Southwest who was on his way to Peru and it turns out Emily Kaissling's dad was flying to Malaysia on the same flight as the Dallas group. What a coincidence!

This time I thought I wasn't worrying and that I was so much more calm, but I'm not so sure.True, last time you may recall I was freaking out and had a rash all over my body. This time I was fine, then yesterday I just started feeling panicky. I prayed and breathed deeply, which helped, but it comes back when I stop.

Tonight I brought dinner (roast pork, strawberry shortcake) to Jeff's folks' house and we all shared a meal. We thought we'd drop off the fish and Hannah and be on our way, but ended up staying a few hours. Hannah who's all grown up at 13 and too cool for such things, actually asked for a group hug with Jeff and me and was as clingy as a teen can be with her parents and still maintain her dignity. This of course made it much harder for her guilt ridden parents who were dumping their one and only for a week and a half. The ride home was hard and we felt a little empty. We knew she was in good hands, though.

Thanks again to all of our amazing family (and friends) who cared for Hannah: Harley and Kathy, Lloyd and Mary, Jillian, Maddie Lou ;), Laurie, Caryn and Cory. You're the best!

Jeff and I both slept well, getting up at 5 and arriving at the airport check in just before 7. We parked in long term parking and rode the shuttle which ended up costing us almost $60. Now I know why I always get a ride to the airport!

Goldie was the first one there with everyone else arriving shortly after, the parents with small kids being the last ones just before 7:30. It must be so difficult to leave your small children so long!

Our plane was tiny and we were in the very last seats, right in front of the bathroom (row 18). We must have been right on top of the engines because we couldn't even carry on a conversation, it was so loud!

When the airplane took off, I just felt so light, it was as if all my worries just fell away and I was free. The panic was gone.

That will be all for today. Hard to believe I need a whole other day just to get past the first few hours of the day, but you'll see!

Mission to the DR 2015: It's time!

Well, I can't believe it's almost time. I don't feel like I'll ever be ready for the mission (supplies, preparing materials, packing), I'll just be done preparing when it's time to go!

It's just hitting me we leave in a few days and it just seems unreal. I'm panicking maybe more than a little, but there are just too many emotions, I can't even... seeing my goddaughter Luisauny, being reunited with all our friends, the kids at the children's home, and just seeing what God does to and through us.

My next update will likely be after we return. Thank you for your prayers for our missionary team and the beautiful Dominican people we plan to serve. Blessings to you!

If we only knew...

The nine year old son of a dear family from our church while on vacation far from home came down with encephalitis. He is currently in ICU fighting for his life. Through the Facebook message of a family member and emails from church, the prayer chain got going. I know this family has faith and trust their brothers and sisters in Christ are lifting them up to the Lord in prayer. However, I am quite sure they experienced something different this Sunday.

A minister from church gave the cell phone numbers of mom, dad, and grandma and everyone at Sunday morning service texted encouragement to them, right then and there. What must that have felt like? What overwhelming comfort! Our minister came up and shared at the end of service that grandma said we made the little boy smile. If only we could see all of the angels, all of the brothers and sisters in Christ praying for us and our times of sorrow, God's own arms around us. With faith's eye, we can. And as brothers and sisters to those who struggle, we can make it real with our presence and by reaching out. Go be His hands and feet today. ❤️

It's not my body

Don't worry, this has nothing to do with the raging controversy of women's rights vs. those of unborn children. I have no agenda. In fact, this is one of those times I'm writing just for me. My temptation is to not publish it, but just keeping it real, folks.

As you are aware, around two years ago I lost a bunch of weight and took up running. Well, slowly the pounds have been creeping on and my running has been suffering. All my running clothes look terrible on me and none of my jeans fit like I'd like (if at all). I swore this would never happen.

So, I started Weight Watchers again a month ago. It felt good to have that discipline back in my life that I need so much. The first week I lost 2 lbs. Okay, not bad, I figured it may be more than that considering how I usually roll, but okay. I have continued to follow the plan and have kicked up my running too. Before I honestly had gotten down to running 4 miles with my mom on Saturdays and maybe a 3-miler in the week, that's it. And what once were easy runs were about all I could take. Once I started WW, I began running almost every day 3-4 miles, once even 5! In fact that was so encouraging to me because I felt like maybe I couldn't do runs longer than 4 anymore. I'm heavier than I've ever been as a runner. But, I keep thinking, I'm following the plan, I'm exercising very regularly and intensely, this is going to change. The runs are getting a little easier! I'm going to be back in my clothes in no time!

This morning the scale tells me I'm up 1 lb. from where I started a month ago. Well, the scale doesn't matter, it's your clothes, right? Guess what, same story. My clothes are just as tight and my body doesn't look more toned either.

I'll give you one guess as to how I feel. It's not fair, right? I've been disciplined in my eating and exercise habits and this is the thanks I get? Well that was a waste of money and all that self-control, for what?

Feeling discouraged, I knew I needed to bring this to God today. I mean, it's Independence Day - family celebrations, remembering those who sacrificed it all for our country - today isn't about me, and right now I need some healing of my spirit before I can face the day.

So, I opened my bible to Romans 12. One of my very favorite verses is verse 2, you know the one- about not conforming to this world but being transformed by the renewing of our minds. But then I noticed the verse before it:

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your true and proper worship.

Whoa.Yes, I want to look good and fit into my clothes, but that is not why I need discipline in my eating and exercise habits. My body is not my own, I offer it as a living sacrifice to God. This is even an act of worship!

Worship.
My whole life, eating is my idol, my #1 sin you might say. Whether I'm eating for pleasure and hating my body or on a diet, obsessing over my body, I'm engaging in idol worship. Yes, I know this, yet I still struggle with it.

So where does this leave me today? Does this mean now that I know my focus has been off, I ask Him for forgiveness, and He rewards me with a better body? Maybe, but maybe not! I'm going to keep eating healthy, for satiety not just pleasure, keep exercising, caring for the temple He gave me. I'm going to cry out to Him when I'm feeling discouraged or empty, not food or a Diet Coke. I'm going to offer my body as a living sacrifice to God, to worship Him, not because I expect anything in return. Why?

Because my Father is so glorious and beautiful, He deserves all of our praise and sincerest worship.

Because I trust Him. He has done nothing but love me in the past, nothing but take what tiny gifts and sacrifices I have given Him and blessed me back a thousand times.

That was exactly what I needed today. Thank you, God! The pity party is over and I'm ready to be who I need to be today. God bless anyone who is reading this Independence Day!

Becoming real

If you have never read Kisses from Katie, you are truly missing out. It will change your life. A popular, cute little 19-year old girl from Tennessee moves to Uganda and ends up a mother to 14 girls and starting a ministry that saves the lives of hundreds, all because of  Jesus. I can't stop reading it. Do you ever wonder if your life is all it was meant to be? Are you doing what God is asking of you? You would think someone who left all comforts for a life of service would write a book that would fill you with guilt or make you feel helpless or discouraged about what you could possibly do. Not Katie. I feel challenged, yes, but not helpless. One of the things I was reading this last week was about the Velveteen Rabbit, and in it is such a profound truth.

The following was written as she was back from Uganda living with her parents and brother, missing her adopted daughters in Uganda.

During the time I spent in my parents' house, I remembered a favorite story, The Velveteen Rabbit. It begins with a rabbit, fluffy and beautiful, "just as a rabbit should be," but all the rabbit wanted was to be real. The boy who owns the rabbit loves it to tatters; his velveteen fur becomes worn and his stuffing starts to come out. "So much love stirred in his little sawdust heart that it almost burst. And into his boot-button eyes, that had long ago lost their polish, there came a look of wisdom and beauty, so that even Nana noticed it next morning when she picked him up and said, 'I declare if that old Bunny hasn't got quite a knowing expression!'

...I was like that velveteen rabbit. When I first went to Uganda, I felt sparkling and beautiful, as a teenage girl from Brentwood 'should' be. But now I spent my days without makeup, getting my hands dirty and doing hard but meaningful work. I was tattered and worn out. The beautiful, dirty people who populated my life had loved all the polish and propriety right off me.

I'd been hurt and scarred and banged around a bit in the past year, but God was using all those things to help me become real. My stuffing was coming out because I'd been loved to tatters. I was coming to understand that what it means to be real is to love and be loved until there is nothing left. And when there's nothing left, and we feel we're all in pieces, God begins to make us whole. He makes us real. His love sets us free and transforms us.

Yes, this is exactly it. From my mission to the Dominican Republic, Jim's sermons this year on grace, more and more I'm being challenged to experience more of who God really is and what He is calling me to do and be. I've learned that I struggle with judging instead of serving those who most need God's love. I've also learned that it's easier to show God's grace when I am serving those in need and when I remember how much of it I need myself.

The secret to life you already know but don't really want to hear

Despite how smart and/or wise I may be from various degrees, certifications, ongoing training and mostly life experiences, all of those things can have the opposite effect. When they distract instead of draw me to Him, they are useless. A little like Ecclesiastes, I know. I have read the bible as well as a number of books about Jesus, I have prayed to him thousands of times, and my whole life is speckled with experiences that confirm His existence and goodness. Yet here I sit again, weak and failing in some areas of my life. I forget that He is the orchestrator of all things good. He's got the whole world in His hands, it's not just a song, folks. I don't have to have it all figured out, I just need to remember to bring it all to Him.

But bringing "it all" to Him is not easy. It requires humility. But most of all, it requires discipline. Those are probably two of the most unwelcome words there are, unless they're being applied to someone else. I've been a Christian pretty much my whole life and I've yet to meet another who didn't struggle with one or the other, especially with discipline. At least I'm not alone!

This summer, we instituted a "summer contract" for Hannah, with technology limits, chores, outside time, exercise and quiet time (with the Lord). Silly us, we were just trying to be good parents, but turns out God was doing some parenting to us in the process.

During my quiet time, I was rereading Max Lucado's God Came Near and he notes that if our faith seems weak, we probably haven't seen Jesus in a while, that when we see Him, we long for Him, are obsessed with Him. That is what I miss most about my time in the DR. Yet a tiny bit of discipline is all it takes on my part to open my eyes and see that He is right here, just as near as He was in the DR.

It's awfully hard for me to see Jesus when I fill my mind and time with other things. Are they good things? Productive things? Even serving others kind of things? Yes, yet that is not enough. Until I discipline myself into waiting on the Lord, patiently, I will never hear His voice above the rustling of the world, above my own ideas and plans.

Hannah and I are going through a time where both of us long to strangle the other on a daily basis. Ok, I'm just kidding. Sort of. The summer contract, despite its relatively generous technology limits and list of rewards for completing the tasks, was met with plenty of drama, spite and tears. However, the days it has been in effect have been the most peaceful we've had in months. We've enjoyed each other's company doing chores together, playing games and Hannah even went on a run with me!

My most memorable moment though was during quiet time when Hannah was reading "A Teen's Guide to Christian Living." She remarked, "God was so patient with the Israelites! They disobeyed Him, they complained all the time, I would have given up on them long ago!" I noted that God gives us children to teach us that same patience, and she smiled at me. She knew what I meant. In a rare moment of maturity, she acknowledged that she knew it wasn't always easy to be her parent. Of course, I also assured her that the reason it was so hard for God and is so hard for parents is because of the deep, enduring love we have for our children.

Just the tiniest bit of discipline, and almost immediately God began healing our relationship and enriching our lives. I'm so excited to see what else He has in store for us this summer!

Rock bottom

This is not so much of a composed entry as it is just pouring out of what is in my heart. I will probably add more context later, but here is what just poured out of me this afternoon, tearful, shaky voice to text in my phone in the car. I was so discouraged, just felt really down, to the point of tears. Then as I was listening to "Nos levantaremos" by Kari Jobe, it just came over me like a rush. This is where I need to be... I just praise you Lord right now because I know how much I need you. Why is it in order to feel your presence I have to feel so broken down Lord? I praise you for the broken state I'm in right now, the utter wretchedness. I was so discouraged, and now I realize I just feel you so near me right now. I know what Paul meant when he said that his soul praises you for his weakness. Without falling apart I wouldn't know what your great comfort was like I do right now. Then I came across this on Facebook. Coincidence? I don't believe it.