Resolutions...

I know, I know, not original at all, but Jeff and I are both hopping back on the wagon! We are in pretty bad shape and need to get eating healthy and exercising again. I am basically in the same shape as this summer, which stinks because I was doing so well with exercising and eating well until about mid October. My clothes were all loose, and I felt GREAT. Now the weight has all crept back and I am addicted to sweets. I hate that! We're trying to clear the house of junk, but some of it is Hannah's!

Anyway, yesterday and today I've felt better and have been eating for the right reasons. I just have to be real careful not to focus too much on my failures because I get depressed and turn to food. I've been so hard at work on Board Cert. stuff, I think food has become my stress-reliever, which is so ironic because it only causes more stress. I make food my idol and defile my body with it. Like in 1 Corinthians 6:12-13:

12"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything. 13"Food for the stomach and the stomach for food"—but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.

I realize it's not sexual immorality, but food is meant to nourish my body, not for me to long for it and eat more than my body calls for. This will no doubt not be the last such entry, but I'm resolved to keep focusing on the prize, on Jesus and His love for me, not my temporary body. The true damage I do when I give my heart to food is not physical, but spiritual. I will ask His help to focus on those rewards, of losing the desire to turn to food and finding my fill in Him instead of losing weight. That is my resolution for 2008!

NBPTS

NBPTS (National Board for Professional Teaching Standards). I'm going for certification in EAYA-WLOE (Early Adolescent to Young Adulthood - World Languages Other Than English) - Whew! How's that for some acronyms?

Yeah, I should really be working on my entries right now, but I'm just going to take a moment to post. Most of my waking hours it seems go into working on National Board Certification. I love that Hannah, being 6, doesn't just let me work. I mean, sometimes she does, but I need someone who will kick me out of workaholic mode. I love my job so much it's actually my hobby! At least that's the way I think of it - I'm always coming up with a new idea for a lesson or doing something with technology for school. However, the Board Certification stuff is actually work. You have to be so mentally "in the zone" to do it. It's so worth it, though. I really have analyzed my teaching on such a different level. It's not about creating some fluffy lesson plans; you videotape yourself, analyze and reflect based on worthy standards in 4 entries (~16 pages each, and you are cutting out everything possible to get it all to fit!). Oh, and there's a hideous 4-hour exam too. Only 1/3 of people pass the first time, and I intend to be one of them - I, or more like my husband, needs this to be over in June. My sacrifices are their sacrifices, and so onward I go.

Panic attack!

Wow, so busy I've barely blogged at all. Anyway, what brings me back is that I'm currently trying to overcome performance anxiety. I don't know why, but I just get terrified speaking in front of other people. This year for the variety show, I wanted to do a tribute to a Colombian musician, Soraya, who died of breast cancer last year. It really is appropriate because it's called "Casi" which means "almost" and is about someone who almost gave up if it weren't for the person they're singing to. I feel like I just want to give up, but I want to give a little something back to her for what she's meant to me. Her music is so inspirational. She helped me deal with my cousin's death of breast cancer and also with my dad's cancer diagnosis last summer. However, it also is a chance for me to overcome my anxiety.

I don't know why, but I feel like I'm depending on God and seeking only His approval, yet my body is freaking out on me. I have trouble breathing and my gut starts knotting up. I can't stand still and my voice doesn't work. What it gets down to is I don't believe in myself. I feel ridiculous thinking that anyone would want to hear me sing or hear what I have to say. I think mentally I realize that if I could only let go and quit worrying so much, I'd be so much better off. God has put a song in my heart and given me so much to say, but I doubt myself so much. I was practicing by recording the song in an office with the door locked, lights off even, and Jeff commented that my voice just sounded weak and not free like when I'm just singing around the house or in the car. I felt my heart racing and my voice going out just thinking that any random people outside possibly hearing me. I know it's not logical, and I'll think I've mentally gotten past it, but then the stress is physically manifested in my breathing, gut, etc.

I'm going to try to pray constantly for God to bring me thr0ugh this.

No tengas miedo! Don't be afraid!

I hope no one is frightened away by my page being in Spanish. Most of my entries will still be in English. Maybe you'll learn a little Spanish - after all, you can guess with the dates, profile, etc since they're the same categories as other pages. Most of the time I'm pretty bilingual, but in the summer at times I'm away from Spanish enough it feels a little unnatural and when I'm immersed in Spanish, like when I go to San Antonio it's harder to speak or write in English. As always, I'm not writing because anyone's reading, but because it's what's on my heart or what I feel urged to write. Nonetheless, I've received encouragement from comments, and don't want anyone to be frightened away by the language barrier!

Love them Odells!

We just got back from staying at "Odell Hotel" as they call it, that is our friend Dennis and Caroline's house in Overland Park, KS. I can't believe it's over already :( Time went so fast, as we just hung out and had a great time! There are some people who you can just pick right up where you left off with, and the Odells are those people for us. They are such sweet, interesting people, we don't quite know what they see in us, but we're grateful nonetheless. Right before we left, Caroline told me she just hoped how much they cared about us was apparent in their actions. I told Jeff and he was incredulous - "Did she actually say that?" They treated us to lovely meals, spent their every waking hour with us after only being home a few days from being on a cruise (where luggage was stolen!) for a week and a half. They are such giving people and we feel blessed to call them friends. I wish I could spend more time with them because I feel like I would be a better person if I did. Our kids get along so well too - bonus!

I guess it just goes back to what I was saying about family. These guys are such a perfect example of what we have in Christ. I'm not saying they're obligated and that's why we're friends, but He is definitely the center of our relationship, and it's so much richer than any friendship I could have with someone who doesn't know Christ.

We really enjoyed church too, despite our disappointment and the Sparks being in Greece! I was SO looking forward to seeing them! The theme was the cross and how it was such an April fool's joke on Satan. The preacher used the Greek acrostic "stauros" which means "cross." I think my favorite part was when we wrote what Christ meant to us on a card and came up and dropped it at the foot of the cross on the stage. Bible class was really good too. The topic was Elijah and how God was growing him, particularly with the widow and her son who had nothing to eat. The elder teaching at one point began to refer to Psalm 46, and I knew exactly where he was going! It was "Be still and know..." Funny that particular psalm has so been on my heart, what with me having read it so much (see a few posts ago) and we sang (my request) "Be still and know" on Wednesday. God is getting my attention!

Family

I just came from meeting with my "family," or my together group (which I still always call "life group"!). This is one of the few things in my life that is unstructured and low key. I won't lie, I've had to refocus myself a few times to not be frustrated that we weren't doing something instead of just hanging around.

Tonight the events went something like this: fixing Connie's screen door, sharing prayer requests/answered prayers and things we are grateful for, a prayer, singing a few songs, a closing prayer and dessert. I really like hanging with an almost 12 year old girl who doesn't open up immediately, but is funny and sweet with me now. We are such a hodge-podge group that despite living close are really from opposite ends of the spectrum in socioeconomic class, ethnicity, education, age, you name it, but we're family. We share, play, fight, rejoice in each other's highs and put each other in our place.

Earlier today, I just had songs in my heart and longed to praise God together with them. So, I brought up the idea to sing. We don't have the best voices, but I think God has a converter that runs on heart, turning our sad attempts into something beautiful!

I am also able to share with them without pretense. Jeff read an email I got from a parent today. It almost made me cry! I'll let you read part of it:

"I hope with all my heart you don’t get tired of hearing this, but thank you for all you do for your students—my son most certainly included!!!
You just go so far and above the call of duty for your students!!! It is obvious how much you care, and how much you truly want them to learn.
The Millard school district is so fortunate to have you, and so are we!!!!!
You are truly one of the most gifted and giving teachers any one of our children have ever had.
Thank you so very much!!!!!"

I can't tell you how much that meant to me - I probably don't have to. I want to pull it out every time I have a bad day or wonder if what I'm doing is making a difference. I never wanted to brag or come across as seeking glory, and that isn't why I want to share this. It just touched me so much I wanted my family to experience my joy.

I hope you have family like I do. I don't mean the one who raised you. I love my hubby, daughter, parents, sibs, and nothing can separate us. But, you know what? These guys are my family too, because of a cross.

Idolatry

As I read passages from Hosea, Haggai and Psalms I am convicted of the idolatry in my own life. My struggle is not with porn, sexual immorality, drugs or the like. In many ways, I think it would be easier if it were. My idol is food, which clearly is also a necessity. As I find my relationship with God lacking in fulfillment, it's easy to see why when I turn first not to Him, but to earthly pleasures.

Long after all have gone and I'm grading papers, I shovel in whatever munchies are around. When I get to the end of a busy day, it's easier to flip on the TV and scarf junk than open my bible and think. I just get numb and instead of opening my heart and facing my feelings, taking them to God, I numb myself more.

Food is such a bad god, too. That's how idols are - temporarily they comfort and half-fill a need only God can truly meet. Plus, it leaves me disgusted with myself and physically worse off than before. "Focus on me more," it tells me, so I diet and pay even more attention to it. I don't have a weight problem, I have a heart problem.

There's another reason I started this blog - to examine what I'm thinking and feeling and give those feelings and thoughts to God. I want a closer relationship with God because He deserves the glory and because its what I need too.

Ever present help

I recently heard about a terrible accident that happened a week ago, of a 38-year old woman hit by a car who may not make it. I went to college with her and just can't picture her face. I remember her name so well and hear from others now how devoted a teacher and mother she is. Not much is being released about her condition, but a friend who visited shares they don't know the extent of damage to her brain, but it may be best if she pass on.

I can't imagine what her family is going through right now. Distraught, I searched the net to find out more information, but the only thing I find is the story of how the accident happened. I tried to find more about her, it's been so long and I'm just trying to get a mental picture of her, but I found nothing. We tend to think we can find whatever we're looking for on the web, but it is so limited, even with millions of people inputting information each day. Even when we find information, can we trust it? I know of another source of information, in fact, the only true and authentic resource with the answers to all of our questions: God's word. (it is nice that it's on the web!) In it, I found comfort and inspiration in the 46th psalm.

1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging. Selah
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah
8 Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields [b] with fire.
10 "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

I'm blown away by God's power and majesty. How does he put up with me every day busily occupying myself with such "important" matters, yet not spending time in awe of Him? I want to be still and know that He is God. That's the main reason I wanted to start this blog: as a constant reminder to be still and listen to Him, to focus on His living word. Only then does my life make sense and can I be who He needs me to be.

I will be praying fervently for my friend Michelle. If you read this, will you too?

What the heck does "desvarios" mean?

For those of you who do not know Spanish, "desvaríos" just means ramblings or babbling, ranting, making not much sense.

I'm starting this blog as a place to just dump what's on my mind, heart and soul without having to make sense or be judged, so please keep that in mind as you read!