It's not my body

Don't worry, this has nothing to do with the raging controversy of women's rights vs. those of unborn children. I have no agenda. In fact, this is one of those times I'm writing just for me. My temptation is to not publish it, but just keeping it real, folks.

As you are aware, around two years ago I lost a bunch of weight and took up running. Well, slowly the pounds have been creeping on and my running has been suffering. All my running clothes look terrible on me and none of my jeans fit like I'd like (if at all). I swore this would never happen.

So, I started Weight Watchers again a month ago. It felt good to have that discipline back in my life that I need so much. The first week I lost 2 lbs. Okay, not bad, I figured it may be more than that considering how I usually roll, but okay. I have continued to follow the plan and have kicked up my running too. Before I honestly had gotten down to running 4 miles with my mom on Saturdays and maybe a 3-miler in the week, that's it. And what once were easy runs were about all I could take. Once I started WW, I began running almost every day 3-4 miles, once even 5! In fact that was so encouraging to me because I felt like maybe I couldn't do runs longer than 4 anymore. I'm heavier than I've ever been as a runner. But, I keep thinking, I'm following the plan, I'm exercising very regularly and intensely, this is going to change. The runs are getting a little easier! I'm going to be back in my clothes in no time!

This morning the scale tells me I'm up 1 lb. from where I started a month ago. Well, the scale doesn't matter, it's your clothes, right? Guess what, same story. My clothes are just as tight and my body doesn't look more toned either.

I'll give you one guess as to how I feel. It's not fair, right? I've been disciplined in my eating and exercise habits and this is the thanks I get? Well that was a waste of money and all that self-control, for what?

Feeling discouraged, I knew I needed to bring this to God today. I mean, it's Independence Day - family celebrations, remembering those who sacrificed it all for our country - today isn't about me, and right now I need some healing of my spirit before I can face the day.

So, I opened my bible to Romans 12. One of my very favorite verses is verse 2, you know the one- about not conforming to this world but being transformed by the renewing of our minds. But then I noticed the verse before it:

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your true and proper worship.

Whoa.Yes, I want to look good and fit into my clothes, but that is not why I need discipline in my eating and exercise habits. My body is not my own, I offer it as a living sacrifice to God. This is even an act of worship!

Worship.
My whole life, eating is my idol, my #1 sin you might say. Whether I'm eating for pleasure and hating my body or on a diet, obsessing over my body, I'm engaging in idol worship. Yes, I know this, yet I still struggle with it.

So where does this leave me today? Does this mean now that I know my focus has been off, I ask Him for forgiveness, and He rewards me with a better body? Maybe, but maybe not! I'm going to keep eating healthy, for satiety not just pleasure, keep exercising, caring for the temple He gave me. I'm going to cry out to Him when I'm feeling discouraged or empty, not food or a Diet Coke. I'm going to offer my body as a living sacrifice to God, to worship Him, not because I expect anything in return. Why?

Because my Father is so glorious and beautiful, He deserves all of our praise and sincerest worship.

Because I trust Him. He has done nothing but love me in the past, nothing but take what tiny gifts and sacrifices I have given Him and blessed me back a thousand times.

That was exactly what I needed today. Thank you, God! The pity party is over and I'm ready to be who I need to be today. God bless anyone who is reading this Independence Day!

Becoming real

If you have never read Kisses from Katie, you are truly missing out. It will change your life. A popular, cute little 19-year old girl from Tennessee moves to Uganda and ends up a mother to 14 girls and starting a ministry that saves the lives of hundreds, all because of  Jesus. I can't stop reading it. Do you ever wonder if your life is all it was meant to be? Are you doing what God is asking of you? You would think someone who left all comforts for a life of service would write a book that would fill you with guilt or make you feel helpless or discouraged about what you could possibly do. Not Katie. I feel challenged, yes, but not helpless. One of the things I was reading this last week was about the Velveteen Rabbit, and in it is such a profound truth.

The following was written as she was back from Uganda living with her parents and brother, missing her adopted daughters in Uganda.

During the time I spent in my parents' house, I remembered a favorite story, The Velveteen Rabbit. It begins with a rabbit, fluffy and beautiful, "just as a rabbit should be," but all the rabbit wanted was to be real. The boy who owns the rabbit loves it to tatters; his velveteen fur becomes worn and his stuffing starts to come out. "So much love stirred in his little sawdust heart that it almost burst. And into his boot-button eyes, that had long ago lost their polish, there came a look of wisdom and beauty, so that even Nana noticed it next morning when she picked him up and said, 'I declare if that old Bunny hasn't got quite a knowing expression!'

...I was like that velveteen rabbit. When I first went to Uganda, I felt sparkling and beautiful, as a teenage girl from Brentwood 'should' be. But now I spent my days without makeup, getting my hands dirty and doing hard but meaningful work. I was tattered and worn out. The beautiful, dirty people who populated my life had loved all the polish and propriety right off me.

I'd been hurt and scarred and banged around a bit in the past year, but God was using all those things to help me become real. My stuffing was coming out because I'd been loved to tatters. I was coming to understand that what it means to be real is to love and be loved until there is nothing left. And when there's nothing left, and we feel we're all in pieces, God begins to make us whole. He makes us real. His love sets us free and transforms us.

Yes, this is exactly it. From my mission to the Dominican Republic, Jim's sermons this year on grace, more and more I'm being challenged to experience more of who God really is and what He is calling me to do and be. I've learned that I struggle with judging instead of serving those who most need God's love. I've also learned that it's easier to show God's grace when I am serving those in need and when I remember how much of it I need myself.

The secret to life you already know but don't really want to hear

Despite how smart and/or wise I may be from various degrees, certifications, ongoing training and mostly life experiences, all of those things can have the opposite effect. When they distract instead of draw me to Him, they are useless. A little like Ecclesiastes, I know. I have read the bible as well as a number of books about Jesus, I have prayed to him thousands of times, and my whole life is speckled with experiences that confirm His existence and goodness. Yet here I sit again, weak and failing in some areas of my life. I forget that He is the orchestrator of all things good. He's got the whole world in His hands, it's not just a song, folks. I don't have to have it all figured out, I just need to remember to bring it all to Him.

But bringing "it all" to Him is not easy. It requires humility. But most of all, it requires discipline. Those are probably two of the most unwelcome words there are, unless they're being applied to someone else. I've been a Christian pretty much my whole life and I've yet to meet another who didn't struggle with one or the other, especially with discipline. At least I'm not alone!

This summer, we instituted a "summer contract" for Hannah, with technology limits, chores, outside time, exercise and quiet time (with the Lord). Silly us, we were just trying to be good parents, but turns out God was doing some parenting to us in the process.

During my quiet time, I was rereading Max Lucado's God Came Near and he notes that if our faith seems weak, we probably haven't seen Jesus in a while, that when we see Him, we long for Him, are obsessed with Him. That is what I miss most about my time in the DR. Yet a tiny bit of discipline is all it takes on my part to open my eyes and see that He is right here, just as near as He was in the DR.

It's awfully hard for me to see Jesus when I fill my mind and time with other things. Are they good things? Productive things? Even serving others kind of things? Yes, yet that is not enough. Until I discipline myself into waiting on the Lord, patiently, I will never hear His voice above the rustling of the world, above my own ideas and plans.

Hannah and I are going through a time where both of us long to strangle the other on a daily basis. Ok, I'm just kidding. Sort of. The summer contract, despite its relatively generous technology limits and list of rewards for completing the tasks, was met with plenty of drama, spite and tears. However, the days it has been in effect have been the most peaceful we've had in months. We've enjoyed each other's company doing chores together, playing games and Hannah even went on a run with me!

My most memorable moment though was during quiet time when Hannah was reading "A Teen's Guide to Christian Living." She remarked, "God was so patient with the Israelites! They disobeyed Him, they complained all the time, I would have given up on them long ago!" I noted that God gives us children to teach us that same patience, and she smiled at me. She knew what I meant. In a rare moment of maturity, she acknowledged that she knew it wasn't always easy to be her parent. Of course, I also assured her that the reason it was so hard for God and is so hard for parents is because of the deep, enduring love we have for our children.

Just the tiniest bit of discipline, and almost immediately God began healing our relationship and enriching our lives. I'm so excited to see what else He has in store for us this summer!

Rock bottom

This is not so much of a composed entry as it is just pouring out of what is in my heart. I will probably add more context later, but here is what just poured out of me this afternoon, tearful, shaky voice to text in my phone in the car. I was so discouraged, just felt really down, to the point of tears. Then as I was listening to "Nos levantaremos" by Kari Jobe, it just came over me like a rush. This is where I need to be... I just praise you Lord right now because I know how much I need you. Why is it in order to feel your presence I have to feel so broken down Lord? I praise you for the broken state I'm in right now, the utter wretchedness. I was so discouraged, and now I realize I just feel you so near me right now. I know what Paul meant when he said that his soul praises you for his weakness. Without falling apart I wouldn't know what your great comfort was like I do right now. Then I came across this on Facebook. Coincidence? I don't believe it.

What makes the perfect husband?

The title is a bit misleading. I have no intention of defining what makes the perfect husband. In fact I'm pretty sure the "perfect husband" doesn't exist. Every woman's needs are unique and there is no one man who could meet every woman's needs. I can only say that mine is perfect for me.

I am just amazed every day that he continues to love me and how deeply he does. No woman deserves to feel this loved and treasured, yet I am.

PATIENCE
When we first met, I would not have thought of him as patient, but that defines him now. Early on we had our share of spats, like any couple, and I ended up in tears. Communication, saying what you mean and having that understood for how it was meant- every young couple's struggle! He began a new mantra "assume noble motives." When I said something that may have seemed accusatory or rubbed him the wrong way, he repeated his mantra. Him giving me the benefit of the doubt has ironed out nearly every misunderstanding and brought peace in our relationship. Not to mention the fact that Hannah benefits from seeing her parents handle conflict healthily and her father is more patient with her too!

MATURITY AND GROWTH
There is great debate as to whether people can actually change. I can testify that yes, people can and do. Jeff is a prime example! At some point he got frustrated with his own shortcomings and instead of finding someone to blame for them (family, society, etc.), he decided to take responsibility for them. What he was doing was not leading him to be the person he wanted to be, so he changed his behavior. He limited his exposure to negative influences that caused him to go down the same old paths, encouraged self pity or doubted his ability to change.

Independent of me, his path led him to Jesus. Jeff, who was burned out on religion, who was skeptical of any authority - corporate, governmental, religious, and didn't feel the presence of God at all. Did He exist? Jeff at least didn't declare with certainty that He didn't, but doubted it. However, he knew He was real to me and respected that. I learned early on I was not responsible for his salvation, that was his personal choice. I never pushed him or preached, just loved him. On and off he would show interest. One day, as he had been walking closer with Him, he heard a word "baptism." That led him down the path he is currently on, following Jesus. Hannah was only a toddler, but she remembers her daddy getting baptized. I pray one day soon she will make the same decision. She wants to be just like her daddy in everything, which is a good thing!

I am never more reminded of how far he has come than when interacting with his family. His dad seems to go out of his way to get a rise out of him, but he never bites. If his dad says something outlandish, selfish or crass, he concedes graciously, taking the wind out of his sails. Jeff doesn't react the same way anymore, he is a different person. I am far less patient with him than Jeff is! He is a new creation and has a whole new family dynamic. I'm so proud of Jeff!

GENEROSITY AND THOUGHTFULNESS
I giggle when I remember how much of a spendthrift Jeff used to be and how he is now! Back in our college days, he would give me constant grief about buying a cold Diet Coke in the student center because it was so much cheaper to buy in bulk at the grocery store. Our friends were unanimous in that it was my money and he was being ridiculous. Fast forward to now where if I even mention I'm thirsty he offers to drive to the Kum & Go and buy me cold DCs. He's ridiculous in the other direction. I always have to tell him not to buy me things, but he loves to pamper me.

The reason he was so cautious and hated to spend money was about one thing: security. Now that his faith rests not in this world, he is generous with his resources. He has trusted God with his resources and seen that He is faithful. He is generous and purposeful about giving at church and a number of other organizations. We still are very thrifty, but not out of fear. He has discovered that the proverb is true: He who refreshes others himself will be refreshed.

Jeff has not been to the Dominican Republic nor does he know any of the people there, yet he has supported me 100%. When I wanted to sponsor a child I had met there, he was on board. We have been cutting back even more in order to afford to do so, and I was dismayed that he had gotten me a Christmas gift, despite the fact we agreed not to. When I opened it up, it was a piece of paper. He had made a significant donation to the child we sponsor in the DR. I was so touched - the perfect gift! He loves to spoil me, but the reason his gifts are so perfect is that they are done out of a deep desire to please the recipient not the giver. He is one of the most selfless people I know - and he makes me feel like the most loved wife alive!

***
These are but a few of the qualities that make Jeff the perfect husband for me. I've been meaning to blog about him and how blessed I am for a while now, but time has gotten away from me. Now, the last day of 2013, it seems appropriate to spend it honoring my husband and the man he has become. I can't wait to see what 2014 holds for us!

Spanish teacher explodes and toxic waste comes out. Details at 10.

(...or 2 days later. This is from Thursday.)

Today just wore me out. I was just not expecting it to be so demanding, but worst of all was my last class. My IB high-stakes oral assessments were a disaster. Every group's discussion wasn't much of a discussion and all but one group was blatantly cheating. (Here it comes... this is going to get ugly, it's coming up...) Spanish fluency-wise, they are overall the weakest group of IB kids I've ever had and they don't care. I'm angry at them! I watch them joke around as they revel in mediocrity - actually that would be a step up from where they're at! (Don't say I didn't warn you!)

On a daily basis I have to hound them to speak Spanish in class - this is basically honors Spanish 5. I have fewer problems with my 3rd year kids being able to express themselves in Spanish and certainly with being on task. Their Spanish is so bad their discussions are shallow and inadequate, they revert to English, laugh, get off topic constantly, and do nothing at home to try to improve, nor come in for help or take advantage of Spanish Club activities such as Spanish lunch or trips to South Omaha. When I speak Spanish, and especially when we listen to videos/songs that are faster, they are lost. Even when I summarize, rephrase in Spanish and add visuals, they still don't get it. Ok, there are just a few for whom this level of incompetence is an accurate description, but the whole class is at varying levels of not measuring up to IB standards, even though I know they are bright in other IB subjects. They have the ability to dedicate themselves, but they just aren't. My frustration is NOT at their shortcomings, it is their lack of urgency, effort and their attitude that somehow by copying off of one another, whispering answers, it will be fine. It is not fine. This will be the first year in the 10 years of IB graduating classes that someone doesn't get their diploma because of Spanish. My nightmare, my shame.

Tonight I was inexplicably drawn to the book of Philippians. Chapter 4 spoke - no, screamed - at me.

GENTLENESS: Philippians 4:4-5

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

Gentleness. I'm ashamed when I realize that I'm called to be known for my gentleness, when I'm so disgusted at my students, so disappointed in them, my only instinct is to tear into them. And rejoice? Really, always? Yep.

As I step away, I must ask myself why I'm really upset they're failing. They are failing. In general, particularly with my IB kids, I feel a huge sense of responsibility for them. I even had many of these kids 2 years ago, so my connection is stronger. We always say that failure is not an option, but it is. Just like God gave us, students have a free will - even my precious IB kids - and if they ignore everything I say and put in zero effort, yes, they too have a right to fail. Instead of stewing and exploding at them, I can continue to inform, instruct, encourage and motivate as best I can, yet let the natural consequences happen if they disregard my instruction. And my gentleness will be evident to all. And I can rejoice in the Lord instead of grumbling about others' poor decisions.

BE SATISFIED: Philippians 4:11-13

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

I can be content in all circumstances. Somehow when I've read that before, I missed that. The famous verse about being able to do all things through Christ who gives me strength, so frequently quoted. Not what it says. I can't force students who are lazy to care. I can't force kids who want to take the easy way out to be more honorable, hard working and ethical. I can't do anything FOR them, they have to do it themselves.The verse says I can do all this through Christ who gives me strength. What is all this? It is being content in all circumstances, times of need and want, freedom and captivity, worldly success and failure.

How then am I to deal with my frustrations? My anger? My disappointment? I don't! I give it to Him!

GIVE THANKS: Philippians 4:6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

He is faithful to keep His promises. I must take it to Him in prayer, then there is no longer anything to be anxious about! He's got this!

So what about me though? I'm called to let Him empty me of my burdens and sorrows, but now what goes in their place? What fills me back up?

THINK ABOUT SUCH THINGS: Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

That is the key to the rejoicing we were just called to do. It is a joy that comes only from Jesus, that only He can give, but we are still called to focus our minds on excellent and praiseworthy things. We don't just sit back and expect God to take total control of our minds and fix everything for us. We must allow Him in. He won't bully His way into our minds, our hearts or our lives. He gave us this command for our own good as well. He knows what will fill us with joy (not fleeting happiness), what will shape our character.

Also, don't miss in the same verse about taking our anxieties to Him in prayer (verse 6), it says to give thanks. Focusing my mind on what I have to be thankful for fills me up! Thinking about all that is lovely, noble, pure, isn't living in La La Land, its an intentional focus on what helps me be more like Jesus.

TRUE LOVE: John 13

In the past few weeks, I've been marveling over Jesus' response to His disciples' shortcomings in John 13. They were concerned about their own glory, their place of honor in the kingdom. If I'm Jesus, I'm thinking, "You have got to be kidding me! What have I done this whole time I've been with you? Serve! Who have I spent my time with? With the religious leaders, rich, or those concerned about their own glory? No! Have you learned nothing? I mean, you've been here with me every day, where did I go wrong? You, my disciples, my closest friends! If anyone should understand, it should be you! And I've clearly told you I'm about to die, to go through something really difficult, and this is the petty crap you are bickering about?!" But then, I've got a ways to go to be Jesus. What did He do? Let it go and say to Himself, "ah they just don't get it," being patient with them? No, He responded in love. Deep, unmistakable love. What but love not only ignores an offense but blesses? He humbled Himself once again not to teach them a lesson and shame them, but to cleanse their hearts and show them pure love, what He was all about.

So my only response can only be one of love. Not controlling, punishing, trying to make them (fill in the blank). I will give them one more chance and graciously explain, not criticize, making the expectations clear. And if they fail again, if they don't follow my direction and disregard everything I say, then I will be grieved for them, I will say extra prayers for them, but I will let them. I will be gentle, and I will rejoice in the Lord. At least that is my prayer! I'm still a work in progress ;)



Praying specifically

I've been so busy I can't believe it's been a month since I've blogged last! It actually seems longer ago than that! I'm "breaking the silence" briefly to emphasize something important I learned today.

Keep a prayer journal. Even when you're busy. Especially when you're busy!

A week ago, I felt so unbelievably overwhelmed by just everything - family and friends having surgery, stressed out, going through troubled times, multitudes of commitments, no time for anything, you get the idea. I decided instead of just praying for it all to write it down as a prayer list. I was shocked at the length of the list, but I did it and then prayed slowly down the list.

And you know what? I felt such PEACE when I was done. I gave it to the Lord and left it there with Him to worry about for me. It was as simple as that!

When we pray, it's easy to get overwhelmed with the enormity of the task at hand. This world is broken, lost, hurting - where do we start? It is tempting to just say generic prayers for everything - "we pray for all those hurting, sick, lost, Lord, you know who they are". Yes, He does. But WE need to pray specifically for one another.

WHY? It connects us with one another. How can we be His hands and feet if we are up against a nameless, faceless problem to pray for? I am more compassionate and less judgmental when I am praying for you by name. Perhaps more importantly, which is where the prayer journal comes in, we see how He answers our prayers when we pray specifically.

I had honestly forgotten that on my prayer list a week ago I had prayed for Hannah to be more responsible, until I re-read it this morning. There was no particular reason I had prayed that prayer now, I just felt that was a good step as she is growing older and becoming more independent, and that's something she's always struggled with. My jaw hit the floor as I saw that on my list today. Let me tell you why.

Out of the blue yesterday in the car, Hannah said, "Mom? I'm making an All Hallow's Eve resolution."
Me- "What??"
Hannah- "Well, I didn't want to wait until New Year's Eve and Halloween doesn't have the same ring to it"
Me- "Ok, what is it"
Hannah- "Mom, I want to be more responsible."
Me- "What brought this on?"
Hannah- "Nothing, I just want to be more responsible."

I'll tell you what brought it on- my prayer! I would never have remembered that if I hadn't written it down. Yes, God is at work whether I'm writing it down (or praying, quite frankly) or not. However, by praying, I'm part of it! I have a front row seat!

I would encourage you to try it. It's amazing how much we realize He actually does if we open our eyes, which for this forgetful mind means writing it down!