Spanish teacher explodes and toxic waste comes out. Details at 10.

(...or 2 days later. This is from Thursday.)

Today just wore me out. I was just not expecting it to be so demanding, but worst of all was my last class. My IB high-stakes oral assessments were a disaster. Every group's discussion wasn't much of a discussion and all but one group was blatantly cheating. (Here it comes... this is going to get ugly, it's coming up...) Spanish fluency-wise, they are overall the weakest group of IB kids I've ever had and they don't care. I'm angry at them! I watch them joke around as they revel in mediocrity - actually that would be a step up from where they're at! (Don't say I didn't warn you!)

On a daily basis I have to hound them to speak Spanish in class - this is basically honors Spanish 5. I have fewer problems with my 3rd year kids being able to express themselves in Spanish and certainly with being on task. Their Spanish is so bad their discussions are shallow and inadequate, they revert to English, laugh, get off topic constantly, and do nothing at home to try to improve, nor come in for help or take advantage of Spanish Club activities such as Spanish lunch or trips to South Omaha. When I speak Spanish, and especially when we listen to videos/songs that are faster, they are lost. Even when I summarize, rephrase in Spanish and add visuals, they still don't get it. Ok, there are just a few for whom this level of incompetence is an accurate description, but the whole class is at varying levels of not measuring up to IB standards, even though I know they are bright in other IB subjects. They have the ability to dedicate themselves, but they just aren't. My frustration is NOT at their shortcomings, it is their lack of urgency, effort and their attitude that somehow by copying off of one another, whispering answers, it will be fine. It is not fine. This will be the first year in the 10 years of IB graduating classes that someone doesn't get their diploma because of Spanish. My nightmare, my shame.

Tonight I was inexplicably drawn to the book of Philippians. Chapter 4 spoke - no, screamed - at me.

GENTLENESS: Philippians 4:4-5

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

Gentleness. I'm ashamed when I realize that I'm called to be known for my gentleness, when I'm so disgusted at my students, so disappointed in them, my only instinct is to tear into them. And rejoice? Really, always? Yep.

As I step away, I must ask myself why I'm really upset they're failing. They are failing. In general, particularly with my IB kids, I feel a huge sense of responsibility for them. I even had many of these kids 2 years ago, so my connection is stronger. We always say that failure is not an option, but it is. Just like God gave us, students have a free will - even my precious IB kids - and if they ignore everything I say and put in zero effort, yes, they too have a right to fail. Instead of stewing and exploding at them, I can continue to inform, instruct, encourage and motivate as best I can, yet let the natural consequences happen if they disregard my instruction. And my gentleness will be evident to all. And I can rejoice in the Lord instead of grumbling about others' poor decisions.

BE SATISFIED: Philippians 4:11-13

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

I can be content in all circumstances. Somehow when I've read that before, I missed that. The famous verse about being able to do all things through Christ who gives me strength, so frequently quoted. Not what it says. I can't force students who are lazy to care. I can't force kids who want to take the easy way out to be more honorable, hard working and ethical. I can't do anything FOR them, they have to do it themselves.The verse says I can do all this through Christ who gives me strength. What is all this? It is being content in all circumstances, times of need and want, freedom and captivity, worldly success and failure.

How then am I to deal with my frustrations? My anger? My disappointment? I don't! I give it to Him!

GIVE THANKS: Philippians 4:6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

He is faithful to keep His promises. I must take it to Him in prayer, then there is no longer anything to be anxious about! He's got this!

So what about me though? I'm called to let Him empty me of my burdens and sorrows, but now what goes in their place? What fills me back up?

THINK ABOUT SUCH THINGS: Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

That is the key to the rejoicing we were just called to do. It is a joy that comes only from Jesus, that only He can give, but we are still called to focus our minds on excellent and praiseworthy things. We don't just sit back and expect God to take total control of our minds and fix everything for us. We must allow Him in. He won't bully His way into our minds, our hearts or our lives. He gave us this command for our own good as well. He knows what will fill us with joy (not fleeting happiness), what will shape our character.

Also, don't miss in the same verse about taking our anxieties to Him in prayer (verse 6), it says to give thanks. Focusing my mind on what I have to be thankful for fills me up! Thinking about all that is lovely, noble, pure, isn't living in La La Land, its an intentional focus on what helps me be more like Jesus.

TRUE LOVE: John 13

In the past few weeks, I've been marveling over Jesus' response to His disciples' shortcomings in John 13. They were concerned about their own glory, their place of honor in the kingdom. If I'm Jesus, I'm thinking, "You have got to be kidding me! What have I done this whole time I've been with you? Serve! Who have I spent my time with? With the religious leaders, rich, or those concerned about their own glory? No! Have you learned nothing? I mean, you've been here with me every day, where did I go wrong? You, my disciples, my closest friends! If anyone should understand, it should be you! And I've clearly told you I'm about to die, to go through something really difficult, and this is the petty crap you are bickering about?!" But then, I've got a ways to go to be Jesus. What did He do? Let it go and say to Himself, "ah they just don't get it," being patient with them? No, He responded in love. Deep, unmistakable love. What but love not only ignores an offense but blesses? He humbled Himself once again not to teach them a lesson and shame them, but to cleanse their hearts and show them pure love, what He was all about.

So my only response can only be one of love. Not controlling, punishing, trying to make them (fill in the blank). I will give them one more chance and graciously explain, not criticize, making the expectations clear. And if they fail again, if they don't follow my direction and disregard everything I say, then I will be grieved for them, I will say extra prayers for them, but I will let them. I will be gentle, and I will rejoice in the Lord. At least that is my prayer! I'm still a work in progress ;)