DR: Day 0 - pre-trip jitters

So, I've been working on typing up my journals (and translating them to English), and I thought perhaps you may want to join me on my first mission trip, which was as much of an internal journey as an external one, in fact, maybe even moreso. I must admit, it's a bit "uncensored," sharing things I'm embarrassed to admit, but I don't feel I can show how God has worked on me without showing my ugliness first!

Obviously God needed to start working on my heart before the trip ... I honestly was frustrated with the youth group, because I wasn't seeing the level of committment I expected - meeting attendance, memorizing lines, enthusiasm, and I felt they were annoyed by my efforts. In discussing the matter with my husband, I had to admit that I really saw the trip as something I had to endure rather than enjoy. And my whole life I've dreamed of going on a mission trip! But I could only think of the bad - being away from my family, not seeing my AP friends, living in basic conditions and most of all have to be flexible and everything being out of my control. I swore and into my mind popped the verse from James – the one about not cursing and praising with the same mouth, and I got angry, disregarding it. Later, I decided to take a bath and opened my Bible app on my phone. Guess what the verse of the day was? It was the verse just before - verse 9 – “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, created in the image of God”. I thought I was wrong in my language but that wasn’t the worst offense – I was cursing those beautiful young people who were created in His image. Moreover, in church today, they made me so proud with their efforts and presentation.

As I read this now, it is so obvious to me that my frustration with the teens was my own fault. I tried to control them and that was not my place.  I am not responsible for the actions of others and trying to control others only creates frustration in me and resentment in others. I would like to note that NONE of my impressions about level of committment were valid. They turned out to be the most special group of teens I have ever worked with, full of love, grace and a desire to share the gospel and God's love with those around them. Furthermore, I can see that Satan did not want me to go. With my feelings, my physical condition (unexplained rash all over my body), he tried with all he had to keep me from going. As it turned out, God called me and changed me intensely; if the devil could have foreseen this, wouldn't he do everything possible to stop me from going? It seems that’s what he did, but God is stronger.