Wow, so busy I've barely blogged at all. Anyway, what brings me back is that I'm currently trying to overcome performance anxiety. I don't know why, but I just get terrified speaking in front of other people. This year for the variety show, I wanted to do a tribute to a Colombian musician, Soraya, who died of breast cancer last year. It really is appropriate because it's called "Casi" which means "almost" and is about someone who almost gave up if it weren't for the person they're singing to. I feel like I just want to give up, but I want to give a little something back to her for what she's meant to me. Her music is so inspirational. She helped me deal with my cousin's death of breast cancer and also with my dad's cancer diagnosis last summer. However, it also is a chance for me to overcome my anxiety.
I don't know why, but I feel like I'm depending on God and seeking only His approval, yet my body is freaking out on me. I have trouble breathing and my gut starts knotting up. I can't stand still and my voice doesn't work. What it gets down to is I don't believe in myself. I feel ridiculous thinking that anyone would want to hear me sing or hear what I have to say. I think mentally I realize that if I could only let go and quit worrying so much, I'd be so much better off. God has put a song in my heart and given me so much to say, but I doubt myself so much. I was practicing by recording the song in an office with the door locked, lights off even, and Jeff commented that my voice just sounded weak and not free like when I'm just singing around the house or in the car. I felt my heart racing and my voice going out just thinking that any random people outside possibly hearing me. I know it's not logical, and I'll think I've mentally gotten past it, but then the stress is physically manifested in my breathing, gut, etc.
I'm going to try to pray constantly for God to bring me thr0ugh this.
2 comments:
hey, how are things? long time no blog!!!
Just wondering how your summer is going, and how the battle with weight is coming along!!
We continue to battle, but are doing well!! Keep it up!! Don't give up!
Thanks for the encouragement! I could use it :) I've been a bit on and off again. I have lost some weight, but haven't gotten on a scale. My clothes are way looser, which is what matters.
I haven't blogged because it just ended up being one more thing, you know? I'm working on National Board Certification for teaching, which is a TON of work, though rewarding. I have meetings and homework throughout the summer. I'm also teaching a Spanish class this summer in a week or so. I started out the summer, as you know, with grading the AP exam in San Antonio for a week and a half. We will be hiking/camping towards the end of July and then about a week later, it's back to school!
I'm working on getting in shape for Colorado, as it's so much more fun if you are in shape!
Thanks so much for checking in on me. I really appreciate it - and need it!
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