Soy yo
Tuesday, December 8, 2020
Sunday, October 4, 2020
“Teacher of the Year”
You know how people say “Mommy of the Year” right before they tell you how they let their kids eat Cheetos for breakfast and watch Disney+ for hours? That’s what this feels like.
I am a mess. I’ve been struggling with anxiety hard this week- this YEAR, actually. If you’ve never had anxiety, it isn’t always what you think. I don’t “worry.” I’m not nervous. I just suddenly can’t breathe. I have a knot in my gut. Sometimes I also feel it mentally, mostly in the form of self doubt and feelings of inadequacy. I’ve shared before about the panic attacks and what a hard season this has been March to present. This has been easily the most challenging time of my 23 years teaching.
I’ve never felt so negative after presenting before as I did yesterday at my state world language conference, NILA. I continued attending sessions online as we drove to get a couch for Hannah from my sister’s 2 hours away, trying to occupy my thoughts. If you know me, you know it’s not like me to be so negative or let negative thoughts live in my mind, but somehow there they flooded in. I’m embarrassed to admit that as the words played in my head, I no longer could stop them from spilling out of my mouth “I’m a failure. Failure. Failure.”
Imagine my surprise finding out I was named NILA’s teacher of the year. I think shock is more the word. I was so humbled by the words of my nominator and the kind shout outs of my peers. I was not being humble when I accepted, I literally felt like the least of all present. I still do.
So I guess without going on and on (too late! 😂), I leave you with this: be kind. You never know how others are doing on the inside, what battles they are facing. I’ll say it again, BE KIND.
Thanks for reading ❤️
Celebrating around a fire with some of my favorite people ❤️
Thursday, June 11, 2020
Why white people need to say #blacklivesmatter
Staying out of it
I’m going to be honest, I really never jumped on the bandwagon of #blacklivesmatter until recently. As a white person, I really never felt like it was my battle, or my place really. I’ve heard a lot about authenticity, own voices, not speaking for minorities like “whitesplaining.” I didn’t want to be insulting or presumptuous that I had anything to bring to the table. I didn't want to be accused of trying to be a “white savior.”
Or maybe I felt like I would be "virtue signaling." You know, the social justice warriors who just clog your feed with memes but never actually do anything for the causes they post about? So I just stayed out of it, afraid of offending. Maybe you are feeling the same way. Maybe you’ll change your mind after you hear what I have to say.
An (imperfect) metaphor
I’m going to be honest, I really never jumped on the bandwagon of #blacklivesmatter until recently. As a white person, I really never felt like it was my battle, or my place really. I’ve heard a lot about authenticity, own voices, not speaking for minorities like “whitesplaining.” I didn’t want to be insulting or presumptuous that I had anything to bring to the table. I didn't want to be accused of trying to be a “white savior.”
Or maybe I felt like I would be "virtue signaling." You know, the social justice warriors who just clog your feed with memes but never actually do anything for the causes they post about? So I just stayed out of it, afraid of offending. Maybe you are feeling the same way. Maybe you’ll change your mind after you hear what I have to say.
An (imperfect) metaphor
So let me make something clear. I do NOT know what it is like to be a minority living in Omaha. I have friends who are, but I cannot speak for them. However, I want to share something that changed the way I feel about speaking up for them.
Permit me to share an experience that parallels this just a little. As many of you know, I pretty much spend all my time working on being a better teacher. I eat, breathe and sleep Spanish. The school year before last, I was very proud at how far my students came in their Spanish language proficiency, which I charted and encouraged through goal-setting so they could see too. However, this year I felt like I had nothing but complaints about their ability from their current teacher. It was so disheartening and I felt like a huge failure. I knew what I saw, concrete evidence of their progress and achievement, but hearing those words and the disapproval of a colleague I respect cut me to the core.
Then, it all changed. Several other teachers reached out to me. They validated me. They wanted me to share my methods with them. Suddenly, I no longer felt alone, unappreciated, less than. Someone saw me. Someone saw my value. Did everything change immediately? Of course not. This will take time. But breaking their silence let me know I was no longer alone. Which was EVERYTHING.
I cannot resolve systemic racism that exists in every institution of our society and that is ingrained in our culture. I can watch how minorities are treated. I can pledge to try not to treat them differently. I can listen when a person of color tells me their experiences of being treated unfairly or just the sideways glances or more subtle microaggressions, without becoming defensive. I can speak up and just let people of color know that I am on their side.
How about you? Are you with me?
Permit me to share an experience that parallels this just a little. As many of you know, I pretty much spend all my time working on being a better teacher. I eat, breathe and sleep Spanish. The school year before last, I was very proud at how far my students came in their Spanish language proficiency, which I charted and encouraged through goal-setting so they could see too. However, this year I felt like I had nothing but complaints about their ability from their current teacher. It was so disheartening and I felt like a huge failure. I knew what I saw, concrete evidence of their progress and achievement, but hearing those words and the disapproval of a colleague I respect cut me to the core.
Then, it all changed. Several other teachers reached out to me. They validated me. They wanted me to share my methods with them. Suddenly, I no longer felt alone, unappreciated, less than. Someone saw me. Someone saw my value. Did everything change immediately? Of course not. This will take time. But breaking their silence let me know I was no longer alone. Which was EVERYTHING.
I cannot resolve systemic racism that exists in every institution of our society and that is ingrained in our culture. I can watch how minorities are treated. I can pledge to try not to treat them differently. I can listen when a person of color tells me their experiences of being treated unfairly or just the sideways glances or more subtle microaggressions, without becoming defensive. I can speak up and just let people of color know that I am on their side.
How about you? Are you with me?
Sunday, May 31, 2020
The truth comes out
Life is a bit intense right now.
There is no soft stepping, lightheartedness about it. As one of my favorite Toby Mac songs says, "This is not a test, this is the real thing." We better hope we have learned our lessons well because now what we have learned (or not) is on display.
To say the least, there is social unrest regarding a number of injustices committed against black Americans. Most recently weighing on our hearts is the murder of George Floyd. I can't watch the video, I just can't. I'm that person who can't watch fake violence in movies. I am outraged. I am speaking out. However, I did watch the video of the woman in Central Park who refused to leash her dog.
Here was my comment:
Honestly the most upsetting part of this, to me, is I don’t think she realized her racism. She was a woman by herself and a black man talked to her. We can obviously see he is calm, keeping his distance and is in no way threatening her. I really don’t believe she is just intentionally lying. She is noticeably agitated and frightened. Your true beliefs come “shining” through when you are scared. No more pretending. How do we attack this kind of racism? It’s one thing to believe you are superior to another, but when you are afraid, the emotion takes hold before logic ever stands a chance. That is what upsets me the most about this. Well intentioned, “nice” people who can’t see they are part of the problem. And I’m probably one of them.
On a completely different note, my family is in the middle of a great loss. I've been silent about out of respect to the family, but my heart is heavy as my husband's dear aunt Vicki is being snatched quickly away. She had been feeling weak and not well for a few months, but they didn't find anything. Less than a week ago she was in the hospital with testing and they found metastatic cancer, probably was pancreatic originally, but it's everywhere now. There is nothing they can do, so they sent her home for hospice so her family can be with her. She is fading fast and her children believe she will go home to the Lord any moment.
Update: Vicki just passed away. This post was written before, and I haven't edited it.
What do these two seemingly unrelated tragedies have in common? When the pressure is on, the truth comes out.
The woman in the park didn't believe she was racist. If asked, she surely would not have said she was afraid of black people or "saw color." However, when she was alone in the park and a black man approached her, asking her to leash her dog (reasonable thing, it's the law, after all), she became frightened. When she felt safe and was in polite company, she could put the words together to say the "right" things and be a "good person." She held the beliefs: Black people are just like me. Black people are not more likely to hurt me. But those beliefs never made their way into her heart. In a moment of fear, the truth came out.
Aunt Vicki, the faithful Catholic, went to mass her whole life. She is kind and loving. She forgives others even when they do unforgiveable things to her. Now less than a week after she found out her time on earth was being cut short, what does she believe? I mean really believe? I see her at peace. Her life was well lived, she didn't have time to "get right," to "say the right things" or get ready to leave. She didn't need it because her truth matches her words. The truth is coming out.
How about us, her family? We are losing her. She is leaving permanently. But what do we believe? Here is the daily bible verse for today from 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17:
On that day, with a command that thunders into the world, with a voice of a chief heavenly messenger, and with a blast of God’s trumpet, the Lord Himself will descend from heaven; and all those who died in the Anointed One, our Liberating King, will rise from the dead first. Then we who are alive and left behind will be snatched up together with them into the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. This is how we, the resurrected and the living, will be with Him forever.
What great encouragement, what comfort! In the verses before (13-15) Paul tells the church, Hey! Don't be like all the unbelievers who grieve those who die. Jesus died and rose again, so will we! Be sure of this! (paraphrased). So when we are sad and overwhelmed with grief, the truth will come out. Do we read the bible and pray "to be good" or out of obligation? Are the words empty to us, recited and repeated because they sound nice or make us feel like we're "good"? When you face actual death, then what? Are you filled with despair and without hope? Do you really believe? The truth will come out.
Aside:By the way, I'm not saying you cannot grieve or be really, really sad if you are a Christian. Paul simply says don't weep like those who don't share our hope in Jesus. He doesn't say don't weep or mourn. Jesus tells us blessed are those who mourn in Matthew 5:4. We are human and even Jesus was so moved he wept for his friend Lazarus (John 11), and probably for Mary and Martha who grieved their brother, even though he knew He was going to raise him again.
So what do we do now?
What if we find ourselves having prejudices, resentment or denial about our privilege, turning a blind eye to oppression? What if the words we read in the bible (or what if we don't read) seem empty to us or if we feel overcome by fear and anxiety, not trusting in the Lord?
The key word in that paragraph is now. We don't wait another minute. Not even one. We admit our doubts, our fears, our weaknesses. We lean into it. Now is the time to internalize the beliefs we espouse, not to leave them there, unanalyzed, untested, fruitless. We don't wait until we're in the fire. We need to change how we think now. It is no accident Paul commanded the Christians to rein in their mind.
He told the believers in Philippi in 4:8:
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, fill your minds with beauty and truth. Meditate on whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is good, whatever is virtuous and praiseworthy. 9 Keep to the script: whatever you learned and received and heard and saw in me—do it—and the God of peace will walk with you.
He also told the believers in Rome in 12:2:
2 Do not allow this world to mold you in its own image. Instead, be transformed from the inside out by renewing your mind. As a result, you will be able to discern what God wills and whatever God finds good, pleasing, and complete.
I said it already, but I'll say it again: the time is now to internalize our beliefs. Let us stop living in cognitive dissonance, saying we believe one thing, yet acting the complete opposite. Let us life consistently. It is a daily, life long process. Let us focus on what it is right, beautiful, true, not "go with the flow" of this world. We need to be transformed from the inside out.
Because in the end, whether we like it or not, ready or not, the truth comes out.
There is no soft stepping, lightheartedness about it. As one of my favorite Toby Mac songs says, "This is not a test, this is the real thing." We better hope we have learned our lessons well because now what we have learned (or not) is on display.
To say the least, there is social unrest regarding a number of injustices committed against black Americans. Most recently weighing on our hearts is the murder of George Floyd. I can't watch the video, I just can't. I'm that person who can't watch fake violence in movies. I am outraged. I am speaking out. However, I did watch the video of the woman in Central Park who refused to leash her dog.
Here was my comment:
Honestly the most upsetting part of this, to me, is I don’t think she realized her racism. She was a woman by herself and a black man talked to her. We can obviously see he is calm, keeping his distance and is in no way threatening her. I really don’t believe she is just intentionally lying. She is noticeably agitated and frightened. Your true beliefs come “shining” through when you are scared. No more pretending. How do we attack this kind of racism? It’s one thing to believe you are superior to another, but when you are afraid, the emotion takes hold before logic ever stands a chance. That is what upsets me the most about this. Well intentioned, “nice” people who can’t see they are part of the problem. And I’m probably one of them.
On a completely different note, my family is in the middle of a great loss. I've been silent about out of respect to the family, but my heart is heavy as my husband's dear aunt Vicki is being snatched quickly away. She had been feeling weak and not well for a few months, but they didn't find anything. Less than a week ago she was in the hospital with testing and they found metastatic cancer, probably was pancreatic originally, but it's everywhere now. There is nothing they can do, so they sent her home for hospice so her family can be with her. She is fading fast and her children believe she will go home to the Lord any moment.
Update: Vicki just passed away. This post was written before, and I haven't edited it.
What do these two seemingly unrelated tragedies have in common? When the pressure is on, the truth comes out.
The woman in the park didn't believe she was racist. If asked, she surely would not have said she was afraid of black people or "saw color." However, when she was alone in the park and a black man approached her, asking her to leash her dog (reasonable thing, it's the law, after all), she became frightened. When she felt safe and was in polite company, she could put the words together to say the "right" things and be a "good person." She held the beliefs: Black people are just like me. Black people are not more likely to hurt me. But those beliefs never made their way into her heart. In a moment of fear, the truth came out.
Aunt Vicki, the faithful Catholic, went to mass her whole life. She is kind and loving. She forgives others even when they do unforgiveable things to her. Now less than a week after she found out her time on earth was being cut short, what does she believe? I mean really believe? I see her at peace. Her life was well lived, she didn't have time to "get right," to "say the right things" or get ready to leave. She didn't need it because her truth matches her words. The truth is coming out.
How about us, her family? We are losing her. She is leaving permanently. But what do we believe? Here is the daily bible verse for today from 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17:
On that day, with a command that thunders into the world, with a voice of a chief heavenly messenger, and with a blast of God’s trumpet, the Lord Himself will descend from heaven; and all those who died in the Anointed One, our Liberating King, will rise from the dead first. Then we who are alive and left behind will be snatched up together with them into the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. This is how we, the resurrected and the living, will be with Him forever.
What great encouragement, what comfort! In the verses before (13-15) Paul tells the church, Hey! Don't be like all the unbelievers who grieve those who die. Jesus died and rose again, so will we! Be sure of this! (paraphrased). So when we are sad and overwhelmed with grief, the truth will come out. Do we read the bible and pray "to be good" or out of obligation? Are the words empty to us, recited and repeated because they sound nice or make us feel like we're "good"? When you face actual death, then what? Are you filled with despair and without hope? Do you really believe? The truth will come out.
Aside:By the way, I'm not saying you cannot grieve or be really, really sad if you are a Christian. Paul simply says don't weep like those who don't share our hope in Jesus. He doesn't say don't weep or mourn. Jesus tells us blessed are those who mourn in Matthew 5:4. We are human and even Jesus was so moved he wept for his friend Lazarus (John 11), and probably for Mary and Martha who grieved their brother, even though he knew He was going to raise him again.
What if we find ourselves having prejudices, resentment or denial about our privilege, turning a blind eye to oppression? What if the words we read in the bible (or what if we don't read) seem empty to us or if we feel overcome by fear and anxiety, not trusting in the Lord?
The key word in that paragraph is now. We don't wait another minute. Not even one. We admit our doubts, our fears, our weaknesses. We lean into it. Now is the time to internalize the beliefs we espouse, not to leave them there, unanalyzed, untested, fruitless. We don't wait until we're in the fire. We need to change how we think now. It is no accident Paul commanded the Christians to rein in their mind.
He told the believers in Philippi in 4:8:
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, fill your minds with beauty and truth. Meditate on whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is good, whatever is virtuous and praiseworthy. 9 Keep to the script: whatever you learned and received and heard and saw in me—do it—and the God of peace will walk with you.
He also told the believers in Rome in 12:2:
2 Do not allow this world to mold you in its own image. Instead, be transformed from the inside out by renewing your mind. As a result, you will be able to discern what God wills and whatever God finds good, pleasing, and complete.
I said it already, but I'll say it again: the time is now to internalize our beliefs. Let us stop living in cognitive dissonance, saying we believe one thing, yet acting the complete opposite. Let us life consistently. It is a daily, life long process. Let us focus on what it is right, beautiful, true, not "go with the flow" of this world. We need to be transformed from the inside out.
Because in the end, whether we like it or not, ready or not, the truth comes out.
Monday, April 6, 2020
I get to feel what I feel
I've been following the corona virus world stats pretty closely. When I think about all the people ill and dying, when I think about all the lost jobs, businesses, domestic abuse resulting, mental illness, people whose names I don't know but who are somebody's everything...
When I think of my friends who survived a terrible tornado and have watched their toddler fight for her life after a severe brain injury, with nowhere to live as their home was destroyed...
When I think of friends who have lost jobs, who have parents in hospice that they aren't even allowed to see and touch...
When I think of my seniors who no longer get to go to prom, are robbed of fair AP exams, IB exams (only graded on one tiny component- speaking), of graduation, of the last quarter of their senior year...
I just feel like I don't have a right to feel bad. I really felt fine. I mean sure, I am stressed out from having to reinvent how I teach, sorting through the resources and finding what is right for my kids. Learning new technology. Being patient, reaching out to the missing ones. But I was handling it.
I am home with my family. We are okay. We are pretty healthy. We have food. We have toilet paper lol.
Friday Jeff was furloughed, which means he is not working or being paid as of now. He applied for unemployment, which will pay about half his regular salary, in case you were wondering. I felt bad for Jeff, but have a deep trust that God will provide. He always has.
I had written off all my plans for April through the summer, I mean just matter-of-factly. Not being able to do some nice things is nothing compared to this pandemic. It would be selfish to even feel bad about it. I figured, it was time to make the call.
I cancelled our registration for the Grand Teton Half Marathon. I began cancelling activities and lodging for Spain and Italy. I remembered the joy and how it seemed meant to be, that my grandma gave me the funds to have this great adventure, to celebrate Jeff and my 25 year anniversary, just as my grandma was being reunited with my grandpa after he died 25 years ago. I blogged about this not long ago. I suddenly felt sad and a little overwhelmed. I brushed it off.
I went to school today to pick up the prizes I was going to mail my kids for Wooly Week. I also figured I had better get my room in a better state since this is it. It was so weird. Everything in the school was exactly as we left it before Spring Break over 3 weeks ago. It reminded me of Pompei after Mt. Vesuvius just erupted and everything was frozen in the exact position it was in, indefinitely. Maybe that's a little dramatic, but that is how it felt. Just abandoned, left, in expectation of something that would never be. I felt overcome by sadness and disappointment.
I shook it off and cleaned, going through papers, organizing, throwing things away, putting things away. I fought the sick feeling I had in my stomach, my racing heart and thoughts until I couldn't anymore. I had to leave. It was a full on panic attack (anxiety attack? I'm no psychiatrist...) It was exactly like the ones I got after my father-in-law died.
If you've never had one before, it's hard to describe it. I've never been shaky and nervous or emotional; I just can't focus, feel sick to my stomach. My heart races, I need to get away from something. It seems very illogical to me, but there is some sort of trigger - a letter, a place, a memory, then my body decides to freak out and jumps the tracks. At least that's how it is for me (and the other people I've talked to who have had them).
I can't "reason" it away. I have to just experience it and get through it. They take a little while to wear off. I'm still in the middle of it, but it's less intense. I have good friends and family, most importantly I pray and am comforted beyond words. But the physical part just takes time.
I don't have a grand lesson to share, or maybe I do. Whether big or small, my disappointments, my struggles... logic doesn't take away the pain.
I get to feel what I feel. So do you.
When I think of my friends who survived a terrible tornado and have watched their toddler fight for her life after a severe brain injury, with nowhere to live as their home was destroyed...
When I think of friends who have lost jobs, who have parents in hospice that they aren't even allowed to see and touch...
When I think of my seniors who no longer get to go to prom, are robbed of fair AP exams, IB exams (only graded on one tiny component- speaking), of graduation, of the last quarter of their senior year...
I just feel like I don't have a right to feel bad. I really felt fine. I mean sure, I am stressed out from having to reinvent how I teach, sorting through the resources and finding what is right for my kids. Learning new technology. Being patient, reaching out to the missing ones. But I was handling it.
I am home with my family. We are okay. We are pretty healthy. We have food. We have toilet paper lol.
Friday Jeff was furloughed, which means he is not working or being paid as of now. He applied for unemployment, which will pay about half his regular salary, in case you were wondering. I felt bad for Jeff, but have a deep trust that God will provide. He always has.
I had written off all my plans for April through the summer, I mean just matter-of-factly. Not being able to do some nice things is nothing compared to this pandemic. It would be selfish to even feel bad about it. I figured, it was time to make the call.
I cancelled our registration for the Grand Teton Half Marathon. I began cancelling activities and lodging for Spain and Italy. I remembered the joy and how it seemed meant to be, that my grandma gave me the funds to have this great adventure, to celebrate Jeff and my 25 year anniversary, just as my grandma was being reunited with my grandpa after he died 25 years ago. I blogged about this not long ago. I suddenly felt sad and a little overwhelmed. I brushed it off.
I went to school today to pick up the prizes I was going to mail my kids for Wooly Week. I also figured I had better get my room in a better state since this is it. It was so weird. Everything in the school was exactly as we left it before Spring Break over 3 weeks ago. It reminded me of Pompei after Mt. Vesuvius just erupted and everything was frozen in the exact position it was in, indefinitely. Maybe that's a little dramatic, but that is how it felt. Just abandoned, left, in expectation of something that would never be. I felt overcome by sadness and disappointment.
 |
| I took this picture today. Empty halls, a banner from Teacher Appreciation Month (March) |
If you've never had one before, it's hard to describe it. I've never been shaky and nervous or emotional; I just can't focus, feel sick to my stomach. My heart races, I need to get away from something. It seems very illogical to me, but there is some sort of trigger - a letter, a place, a memory, then my body decides to freak out and jumps the tracks. At least that's how it is for me (and the other people I've talked to who have had them).
I can't "reason" it away. I have to just experience it and get through it. They take a little while to wear off. I'm still in the middle of it, but it's less intense. I have good friends and family, most importantly I pray and am comforted beyond words. But the physical part just takes time.
I don't have a grand lesson to share, or maybe I do. Whether big or small, my disappointments, my struggles... logic doesn't take away the pain.
I get to feel what I feel. So do you.
Tuesday, March 24, 2020
The beginning of the end?
I have heard a number of people trying to make sense of this whole corona virus pandemic. Some say it’s germ warfare. Some see it as apocalyptic, a sign of the end times.
What if they’re right?
What if they’re right?
Hang on, hear me out. Read what Jesus said in Matthew 24, verses 6-8:
“You will hear of wars, and you will hear rumors of wars, but you should not panic. It is inevitable, this violent breaking apart of the sinful world, but remember, the wars are not the end. The end is still unfolding. Nations will do battle with nations, and kingdoms will fight neighboring kingdoms, and there will be famines and earthquakes. But these are not the end. These are the birth pangs, the beginning. The end is still unfolding.”
Unsettling? You bet. Was he talking about the end of the world? Yes and no.
Read on... (verses 10-12)
“And many who have followed Me and claimed to love Me and sought God’s kingdom will turn away— they will abandon the faith and betray and hate one another. The love that they had for one another will grow cold because few will obey the law. False prophets will appear, many will be taken in by them, and the only thing that will grow is wickedness. There will be no end to the increase of wickedness.”
Okay, got it. When the pressure was on and times got hard, those who claimed to be believers not only fell away but hated those who were. Many came and twisted Jesus’ words and led others astray. Hmm this sounds familiar. Could this have happened already? Is it happening now?
Read on... (verses 13-14)
“But those who do not waver from our path and do not follow those false prophets—those among you will be saved. And this good news of God’s kingdom will be preached throughout the whole world, a testimony to all people and all nations. Then, beloved, the end, the consummation of all things, will come.”
Wait a minute- if it’s the end, what is this about preaching the good news throughout the world, to all people.
That seems like it might take awhile.
That seems like it might take awhile.
I believe (pretty sure bible scholars back me up- this isn’t academic writing here so you can look it up yourself ha ha) that Jesus was talking about the destruction of the temple in 70AD. That was really seen as the end by the Jews at the time. Their legitimacy and establishment in society, the building where God dwelled. Gone. It was a time of tribulation, death and destruction, uncertainty, terror.
But Jesus was preparing his followers for it. It sure would feel like the end, and it was the end of something. In order to reconcile the world to the Father, Jesus had to destroy the temple, his body. The destruction of the temple brought a new era. No walls. No physical space that limited God’s presence. He reached out to all, wherever they were. He still does.
However about now? Does he have your attention? Are you worried? About your health? Your job? Physical needs? Supplies? Maybe this is the end, but not like you think. Maybe this is a new time to break down walls. Maybe this is a new time to open our hearts and share with those in need of God’s love. Maybe it’s time we dusted off our bible. Maybe it’s time we got on our knees in prayer. Maybe it’s time to reconnect with friends and family in creative ways. To provide for those in need, let others have what we want but don’t need, to think of others before ourselves.
Maybe it is the beginning of the end something that needs to end.
What do you think?
What do you think?
Friday, March 20, 2020
COVID-19
This too shall pass and someone wisely recommended journaling about it, so here I go.
I usually try to have a purpose or lesson to blogging, and I'm sure some will come out of this, but my main intention is just to desahogarme (I suppose the closest translation of this is to “get it off my chest” or “unburden myself.” It literally means to “undrown myself”) and to try to process what is going on inside.
Corona virus, or COVID-19, seemingly came out of no where. I mean, really January it bubbled up in China, but the average American cared not. Fast forward to Italy, the end of January, but really end of February when it started to hit the fan. Now Italy has more COVID-19 deaths that China (!).
When it became REAL for me was when my student, Danielle, was going to Spain with her family - parents and several little siblings. She is the sweetest kid, super motivated to learn and practice her Spanish. She deserved this trip. But as she was preparing to leave, the writing started to be on the wall. My gentle urges to not go - sharing advice from friends abroad, articles how Spain was a week behind Italy - were met with awareness I was not the first to voice my concern. Anyway, it was her parents' decision and I did not want to alarm her.
She left Wednesday in the heat of it. Wednesday night I read an article how Spain had 22 deaths and around 1000 cases. I planned on printing the article for my IB class the following morning. By the time I printed it in the morning, there were 64 deaths and 2000+ cases. 20 minutes later when I got back to my computer from the copy room, there were 84 deaths and 2700 cases.
That was our last day of school. Things were moving quick here in Omaha with our first cases of community spread (unknown source of COVID-19 infection) and authorities wisely wanted to nip it in the bud. That was 1 week ago yesterday. As of yesterday, Spain had 833 deaths at 18,077 cases. 10x the deaths in one week. Not only is everything closed, but people aren't allowed to leave their homes or hotels unless it's an emergency. I've been worried about my student and her family. I don't know where they are - are they back in the U.S.? Stuck in Spain?
Hannah came home because her classes are all online now. We didn't move her out because she was supposed to work Wednesday and then the weekend. I got sick though and passed it on to her, so she is not going back to work. We have sore throats, headaches, body aches, but are pretty sure it's just flu. I had a small fever once, but not since and she hasn't either. We are going to move her out tomorrow. It will be a while because she hasn't prepared at all. There was no time, as she worked the weekend right after the university closed.
The last I left the house was Monday for my haircut. I haven't gone to the store, but I hear there is no meat. Fortunately, we have plenty of toilet paper. That has been the big running joke. But seriously, there is a run on the toilet paper and it's a hot commodity. That is the first thing anyone associates with this crisis.
My initial thought when classes were suspended for online learning were of relief. I was glad they were making the right decision to protect the community. I also looked forward to a slower pace of life, necessarily since everything was cancelled - SHH service hours, such as teaching at 2 elementary schools, the National Spanish Exam next week (or postponed??), the South O field trip... who knows what else. However, I have had LESS peace than I can remember. True, I'm sick - being physically ill weakens your mental stamina and ability to rein in unhealthy thoughts - but the main reason is I haven't unplugged at all.
I follow the news. More deaths. More measures to stop the disease. More dire projections.
I am on social media. Helpful resources - amazing free deals to review and consider. Discussions of other teachers like me trying to figure out what this all means and how to proceed. Concerns of equity for students without access to technology or even to meals. Concerns of giving enough but not too much work. Concerns of preparing for exams - how to give them. Concerns of whether students will have IB/AP exams or get to graduate in a ceremony. Concerns of how to end the year for SHH.
I am comparing myself. Am I doing enough? Everyone else seems like they have these amazing plans, but I just feel paralyzed and my head is spinning.
I am frustrated at ignorance. I am frustrating at people making light of this, saying it's no big deal. People refusing to comply and just going out. Their assessment of the situation is influenced by their desensitization and irritation of hearing about it all the time, rather than tracking how it progresses. It seems just fine here with few deaths and cases (currently there are only 34 confirmed cases in Nebraska and 0 deaths), so they want business as usual. On a side note, testing is hard to get - it is limited and reserved for those with advanced symptoms and believed contact with individuals confirmed to have COVID-19. There are even small businesses in New York suing saying they have a right to assemble. It is like vaxing - if some refuse to do it, it puts the whole population at risk. This situation is unique in that we are being asked to modify our behavior significantly in order to protect those at risk - elderly, immunocompromised, those with breathing issues such as asthma. We will all probably get it but must "flatten the curve" - ie; not all get it at once so the healthcare system can handle it. On a sidenote, a 34 year old man whose only preexisting condition was asthma just died of it. How many healthy young people have asthma? I'm so sick of hearing "oh, it's just elderly and immunocompromised people, not me." But your actions affect them, and they deserve to live just as much as you do.
I'm checking school email. I even get texts every time I try to stay away that tell me to go read my school email for some new development. I wrap my head around the expectations - how will my plans meet my students' needs? How will I best conduct synchronous learning - live videoconferencing? When will we be back and how do I prepare for that?
I have done a couple fun things with Hannah - we baked a cake. We made cake balls. We've watched some Netflix. I've been reading a couple books. But mostly I'm unsettled.
I haven't let myself really think about my own fun upcoming plans, basically just counting on them being cancelled. The Juanes concert 4/28. The Grand Teton Half Marathon the beginning of June. Comprehensible Iowa conference and meeting AC Quintero and Jen Degenhardt. Jeff and my anniversary trip and my scholarship study in Spain and Italy for 1 month in June-July.
Right now, the president has said no more than 10 people shall gather. Omaha restaurants are take-out only and all non-essentials are closing - dance studios, etc. Grocery store hours are reduced. Yesterday we had the option to come up to school to get things but we had to sign up for a time slot so there were no more than 10 of us at once. I was sick, so thought I better not. My classroom is a hot mess, as even then I didn't imagine what I'm imagining now: I could never see my students face to face again. Currently, it's April 30th at the earliest.
I have been having trouble breathing. I am pretty sure it's anxiety. The future is uncertain and I'm a planner. If I'm honest, I'm feeling depressed and don't want to leave the house anyway.
Yet I am so blessed to be where I am. I have a job I love. Jeff is working from home now. My daughter is home. I was grieving not being able to see her with me being gone so much this summer and it her last summer at home (she plans to move out on her own and get a cat, so no coming home for the summers). So now I have time with her, which is awesome.
Last night I had "girls night out" via FaceTime with my dear friend Heidi. She is teaching her high school students, all while holding down the fort for her own 3 kids. She has to navigate helping them with homework, impressing upon them they must stay home for safety all while not alarming them. She is human too - when does she get to be human? I am so grateful not to be in her shoes, even as I admire and am inspired by her deeply.
Today I started cleaning, doing laundry and shut everything off. No news today - no social media - no work. It can wait. I need the mental break. I really feel much better.
I have so much to be grateful for. I found this list I made in a Ladies' Class at church a while back and it just hit me. I still have every last thing on the list right now.
That is all for now. Perhaps more later, perhaps not. This is more for me anyway. I know everyone has their own story they're living right now and there is nothing special or unique about mine.
Blessings to you.
I usually try to have a purpose or lesson to blogging, and I'm sure some will come out of this, but my main intention is just to desahogarme (I suppose the closest translation of this is to “get it off my chest” or “unburden myself.” It literally means to “undrown myself”) and to try to process what is going on inside.
Corona virus, or COVID-19, seemingly came out of no where. I mean, really January it bubbled up in China, but the average American cared not. Fast forward to Italy, the end of January, but really end of February when it started to hit the fan. Now Italy has more COVID-19 deaths that China (!).
When it became REAL for me was when my student, Danielle, was going to Spain with her family - parents and several little siblings. She is the sweetest kid, super motivated to learn and practice her Spanish. She deserved this trip. But as she was preparing to leave, the writing started to be on the wall. My gentle urges to not go - sharing advice from friends abroad, articles how Spain was a week behind Italy - were met with awareness I was not the first to voice my concern. Anyway, it was her parents' decision and I did not want to alarm her.
She left Wednesday in the heat of it. Wednesday night I read an article how Spain had 22 deaths and around 1000 cases. I planned on printing the article for my IB class the following morning. By the time I printed it in the morning, there were 64 deaths and 2000+ cases. 20 minutes later when I got back to my computer from the copy room, there were 84 deaths and 2700 cases.
That was our last day of school. Things were moving quick here in Omaha with our first cases of community spread (unknown source of COVID-19 infection) and authorities wisely wanted to nip it in the bud. That was 1 week ago yesterday. As of yesterday, Spain had 833 deaths at 18,077 cases. 10x the deaths in one week. Not only is everything closed, but people aren't allowed to leave their homes or hotels unless it's an emergency. I've been worried about my student and her family. I don't know where they are - are they back in the U.S.? Stuck in Spain?
Hannah came home because her classes are all online now. We didn't move her out because she was supposed to work Wednesday and then the weekend. I got sick though and passed it on to her, so she is not going back to work. We have sore throats, headaches, body aches, but are pretty sure it's just flu. I had a small fever once, but not since and she hasn't either. We are going to move her out tomorrow. It will be a while because she hasn't prepared at all. There was no time, as she worked the weekend right after the university closed.
The last I left the house was Monday for my haircut. I haven't gone to the store, but I hear there is no meat. Fortunately, we have plenty of toilet paper. That has been the big running joke. But seriously, there is a run on the toilet paper and it's a hot commodity. That is the first thing anyone associates with this crisis.
My initial thought when classes were suspended for online learning were of relief. I was glad they were making the right decision to protect the community. I also looked forward to a slower pace of life, necessarily since everything was cancelled - SHH service hours, such as teaching at 2 elementary schools, the National Spanish Exam next week (or postponed??), the South O field trip... who knows what else. However, I have had LESS peace than I can remember. True, I'm sick - being physically ill weakens your mental stamina and ability to rein in unhealthy thoughts - but the main reason is I haven't unplugged at all.
I follow the news. More deaths. More measures to stop the disease. More dire projections.
I am on social media. Helpful resources - amazing free deals to review and consider. Discussions of other teachers like me trying to figure out what this all means and how to proceed. Concerns of equity for students without access to technology or even to meals. Concerns of giving enough but not too much work. Concerns of preparing for exams - how to give them. Concerns of whether students will have IB/AP exams or get to graduate in a ceremony. Concerns of how to end the year for SHH.
I am comparing myself. Am I doing enough? Everyone else seems like they have these amazing plans, but I just feel paralyzed and my head is spinning.
I am frustrated at ignorance. I am frustrating at people making light of this, saying it's no big deal. People refusing to comply and just going out. Their assessment of the situation is influenced by their desensitization and irritation of hearing about it all the time, rather than tracking how it progresses. It seems just fine here with few deaths and cases (currently there are only 34 confirmed cases in Nebraska and 0 deaths), so they want business as usual. On a side note, testing is hard to get - it is limited and reserved for those with advanced symptoms and believed contact with individuals confirmed to have COVID-19. There are even small businesses in New York suing saying they have a right to assemble. It is like vaxing - if some refuse to do it, it puts the whole population at risk. This situation is unique in that we are being asked to modify our behavior significantly in order to protect those at risk - elderly, immunocompromised, those with breathing issues such as asthma. We will all probably get it but must "flatten the curve" - ie; not all get it at once so the healthcare system can handle it. On a sidenote, a 34 year old man whose only preexisting condition was asthma just died of it. How many healthy young people have asthma? I'm so sick of hearing "oh, it's just elderly and immunocompromised people, not me." But your actions affect them, and they deserve to live just as much as you do.
I'm checking school email. I even get texts every time I try to stay away that tell me to go read my school email for some new development. I wrap my head around the expectations - how will my plans meet my students' needs? How will I best conduct synchronous learning - live videoconferencing? When will we be back and how do I prepare for that?
I have done a couple fun things with Hannah - we baked a cake. We made cake balls. We've watched some Netflix. I've been reading a couple books. But mostly I'm unsettled.
I haven't let myself really think about my own fun upcoming plans, basically just counting on them being cancelled. The Juanes concert 4/28. The Grand Teton Half Marathon the beginning of June. Comprehensible Iowa conference and meeting AC Quintero and Jen Degenhardt. Jeff and my anniversary trip and my scholarship study in Spain and Italy for 1 month in June-July.
Right now, the president has said no more than 10 people shall gather. Omaha restaurants are take-out only and all non-essentials are closing - dance studios, etc. Grocery store hours are reduced. Yesterday we had the option to come up to school to get things but we had to sign up for a time slot so there were no more than 10 of us at once. I was sick, so thought I better not. My classroom is a hot mess, as even then I didn't imagine what I'm imagining now: I could never see my students face to face again. Currently, it's April 30th at the earliest.
I have been having trouble breathing. I am pretty sure it's anxiety. The future is uncertain and I'm a planner. If I'm honest, I'm feeling depressed and don't want to leave the house anyway.
Yet I am so blessed to be where I am. I have a job I love. Jeff is working from home now. My daughter is home. I was grieving not being able to see her with me being gone so much this summer and it her last summer at home (she plans to move out on her own and get a cat, so no coming home for the summers). So now I have time with her, which is awesome.
Last night I had "girls night out" via FaceTime with my dear friend Heidi. She is teaching her high school students, all while holding down the fort for her own 3 kids. She has to navigate helping them with homework, impressing upon them they must stay home for safety all while not alarming them. She is human too - when does she get to be human? I am so grateful not to be in her shoes, even as I admire and am inspired by her deeply.
Today I started cleaning, doing laundry and shut everything off. No news today - no social media - no work. It can wait. I need the mental break. I really feel much better.
I have so much to be grateful for. I found this list I made in a Ladies' Class at church a while back and it just hit me. I still have every last thing on the list right now.
That is all for now. Perhaps more later, perhaps not. This is more for me anyway. I know everyone has their own story they're living right now and there is nothing special or unique about mine.
Blessings to you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)